A Look At the Past year

With the new year coming upon us, I took a few moments to think about the past year and how everything panned out and things that have happened good and bad.  The best thing would of course be meeting Tom because he is simply wonderful but aside from that there are so many good things and some bad things to go with them.  I don’t have to go into detail with them on here; but acknowledging that yes I struggled greatly this year makes me appreciate the good things I have now and the good possibilities of the coming year.

When I look back on this year I realize things that I may not have thought of at the time.  Or seen why something had to happen the way it did, or rather seen things that happened which I thought didn’t happen.  I think about friendships I made, and some that I have lost and the realization that maybe some friendships have drifted and are no longer what I thought they once were and that other friendships are more than what I thought.  I saw different ways that God has helped my finances which helps give me hope for the future.

Sometimes when the new year approaches people are preoccupied with what they want to change in the new year and things that they want to do when the new year comes like lose weight by April or whatever and I admit I may have done some thing like that such as saying I will have my credit card paid of by a certain month.  But the most important thing to do as the year comes to a close is to look back and possibly learn some of the lessons that life was trying to teach us this year.

New Beginnings

The Christmas holiday is over and preparations for the New Year has begun.  Many people are making New Year’s resolutions and goals for the coming year.  Little thought is put into what the year might bring or what this past year has brought.  For me the New Year is new beginnings.  Tom and I got the apartment we wanted, a gorgeous duplex with lots of space.  We just need to repaint the kitchen and dining room (yes we are allowed to repaint).

But this is a new thing for me.  Moving out of the house, as well as moving in with my boyfriend.  Its a new beginning for me.  The chapter of me living with my parents and its a beginning of me living on my own, as well as beginning a family with Tom.  Its exciting and scary as I said in a previous post.  It is a big step, a huge step.  But a big step in the right direction to make some of my dreams come true.  THe new job is a step towards being a teacher and having the experience under my belt to help me get the jobs that I want, hopefully the one at an Autism school in Pittsburgh.  I am ready to see what the new year has install for Tom and I.

Tis The Season

This time of year people tend to be nicer to each other, sometimes though road rage and the such comes out more.  I have seen more people get angry about traffic and crowds in malls than normal.  People get more stressed out because of different expectation, but also seem a little more generous.  I know myself I gave more to the Salvation Army folks standing outside Walmart than i normally would.  Why is this?  Why do we feel more inclined to give to charities whether it be schools, churches, or groups like the Salvation Army than we normally would?

Do we think that there is some being out there watching us so we use the Christmas season to make up for the rest of the year?  Would it really work that way?  I don’t think so.  When it comes to treating others and being generous shouldn’t we carry this sense of not so much obligation, but desire to help others throughout the year instead just around the time Christ was born?  Shouldn’t we help our fellow man throughout the year and not just in December?  Doesn’t that seem I don’t know hypocritical?

I think as this season comes to a close in the next few weeks and people start making New Year’s Resolutions I think one of those resolutions should be to take the caring nature we have this season and carry it throughout the year.  What do you think?  That shouldnt be too hard should it?

Thanks To You

I know I havent done my thanksgiving posts in several weeks.  I honestly admit I didnt have the time or energy to write something. Though sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads my blogs.  But nonetheless I will keep writing.  The last thanksgiving post I post dealt with someone specific: my mom. This one is no different aside from that it is some one different.  My Daddy.  So here are the things that I am thankful for, that is my dad.

Always being there

Taking in two teenagers and loving them as your own

providing a wonderful home

working hard at everything you do

taking me to treatments and sitting in the waiting room…just knowing you were there helped more than you can know.

being Santa…seeing the joy you bring to kids every year makes me thankful for your child-like happiness

being a hard worker: makes me proud to say Im your daughter

being there when I graduated high school and college:  That may seem small but means the world to me

saying you have boyfriend (or rather ex xboyrfriends) names written on bullets in case they broke my heart…such a daddy thing

I am thankful for everything my dad has done for me.  He has always been there.  He raised my brother and I as if we were his own, that is a real dad.  i love my daddy.

New Adventures

Since I titled the last one new chapters…i didnt even talk about any of the new chapters for but thats okay when a blog takes a different direction that I anticipated.  Many new things are in the works and will be happening in the near future.  I got a new job, just waiting to start it, maybe after the new year or somewhere around there.  I hate to have to leave my clients and kids behind but I have to.  The stress is making me sick and I don’t like the inconsistancy and no benefits.  I will be working with the Pittsburgh City schools as a substitute teacher, so it still has the flexibility I was looking at but also more pay and the potential for benefits.

Also happening soon, I might be moving out within the next month or so.  Tom and I looked at a place we like..okay I adore and filled out the application.  We are waiting to see if we get accepted for it.  Which I really hope we are because it is a beautiful place and is perfect for us.  Hopefully we will get the money needed to move in, which I am worried about with me having to take time off because I have been sick.  But it will all work out.  I am excited about this new chapter, because it is indeed a new chapter.  This is the first time I have moved in with a boyfriend.  Sean and I were talking about it the other day and the level of committment to one another that it takes to move in with someone.  It shows how committed I am to this wonderful man…big step for me. 

New Chapters

I came to the realization the other day that as we all enter into new chapters in life the characters in our books change.  I have come to realize that while my friends and I have each entered new chapters, that some of us have grown apart.  Its not by fault of anyone, just a natural thing.  Certain people who were the closest people in my life are not longer as close and others have become incredibly close, like family.

I keep going through it and asking myself how in a few short years did a certain friend of mine and I seem to drift away to talking to each other maybe once or twice a month.  Calling to check up and see how things are going.  The only conclusion I came up with is life changes.  We both have jobs, she has a new family, Im just beginning what could be a family.  Life moces one and we all drift apart with moving away to start families, demands of a job such as mine and so much more.  You cannot pin point one specific thing that makes people drift apart, but still doesn’t take the sadness away when you realize that you have drifted.

While i have come to realize some friends have drifted away or I have drifted from them, never know which is which.  I also have realized I have become closer with other people in my life for various reasons.  Its something that happens.  As you drift from one friend or even one set of friends, others become closer.  New chapters…new characters.

Being Sick

For the past weekend I have been sick.  Coughing, running nose, sore throat, the whole nine yards.  Tom was even picking on me tell me that I sounded like a dog barking.  Yea I can feel the love…but he did take care of me making sure I took medicine and making me hot tea.  But me being sick this weekend has gotten thinking about a few things.  When people got sick in the old testament what did they do?  What were the herbal remedies they could have used?

The more I think about it the more I wonder if we have hindered ourselves because we are so dependant on medication whether it is prescribed or over-the-counter.  I tend to wonder if our immune systems are a little more weaker because of that.  At the first sign of a sniffle we run to the pharmacy.  what would happen if we tried to let our bodies fight the infection and drink tea and rest?  Yet with our busy schedules and hectic lives we don’t have the time to just rest and let our bodies do what they were designed to do.

The more I think about that it makes me wonder…would we survive living our lives the way people did in the Bible?

Showing Thanks

This is the time of year when we celebrate thanksgiving with cooking and eating alot of turkey,mashed potatoes, cranberries, and of course pumpkin pie.  Sometimes I wonder if we have forgotten the beauty of the holiday.  Sure it is giving thanks to the Native Americans for sharing crops and whatever with the Pilgrims.  But while we give thanks for that we also give thanks for the things we have throughout our lives.  I do that every week, or at least I try to do that every week.  But November 25 (this year) is one day set aside to show thanks to the people who made a difference in our lives, give thanks for the things we may otherwise take for granted, and in general be thankful we have this pathway called life.  There sre different ways we can say thanks to those around us.

Send a thank-you note. You know, it’s nice to get a little note thanking you for something you did. You don’t need to send someone a formal thank-you card.  Or even a little note to say thank you.

Give a free hug. OK, only do this when appropriate … but if you have a loved one in your life, give them a hug! Often we can go too long without showing our affection and gratitude, even to those who are closest to us

Give someone a list of all they’ve done that you’re grateful for. Take 5 minutes and make a list of 10 or 50 things you love about someone, or things they’ve done for you that you appreciate.  I am doing this with the next few weekly thanks posts.  My mom read hers and it made her cry.

Say thanks even for negative things in your life. This is the hard part, in truth. When things go wrong, when we’re not happy, when people are mean to us, when we are worn down by the million slings and arrows of everyday life … we don’t want to say thank you. But in truth, this is the time when it matters most.

Throughout life we go through various things and sometimes people drift apart and are ever changing.  I am thankful for everyone I have met even those who have disappeared and are no longer as big a part of my life as they used to be.  We should be thankful for even them.  Everything in our lives is a chance to be thankful.

Thanksgiving

Each week I tend to give a short list of the things that I am thankful for.  This week is no different but instead of doing the things and people I am thankful for, I think I am going to do something different.  I am going to pick one of the most important people in my life and give thanks for the things that person does for me and has done for me.  Throughout life we always have someone there supporting us, helping us and whatever else.  I think we need to take time to give that specific person thanks for everything.  I might do this for a couple weeks Im not sure.

This week is someone who I could never live without.  I would not be the woman I am today if I didn’t have this woman in my life as a wonderful role model, support, and friend.  My Mommy.

First and foremost I want to just thank my mom for being the woman she is.  There is so much to learn from her and even though I am 28, I will always need her.  So Thanks mommy.

Supporting me through every hardship; being there when I needed to curl in your lap.

Raising me and Brandon on your own.  It takes a strong woman to be able to that and I think I get my strength from you.

Giving us discipline.  Who knows what we would be like if you didn’t discipline us the way you did.  We may not have liked it then, but thank you.

Teaching me so many lessons that you may not realize that you taught me.

Encouraging me and Brandon go fight for our dreams, and what we believe in.

Providing for us; even if it meant sacrificing your own needs.

Being there to listen to everything we wanted to tell you good or bad.

Pushing us to do our very best and not accepting any less, and showing how proud you are of the accomplishments we both have made.

Those are just a few things that I thank my mom for.  There are so many other things that this could end up being such a HUGE post.  My mom has done so much in the 28 years, that thank you doesn’t seem to suffice and do justice to how much I appreciate my mom.  I love you momma.

Roles In Life

This weekend my brother, Tom, and I went to Anime USA where Tom was cosplay judge. Cosplay is where you dress as a character from an anime like in April or so I am going to be a character from Samuri 7, and then later Sailor Moon.  But that got me thinking.  While it is fun to dress up and play as different roles in life and different people.  What roles in life do I play?  I know I did this not to long ago, but it is always good to go back and think and analyze things some more to see if those roles are still the same.  Some roles have remained the same but others have changed.

I am

A sister              daughter                 a niece                 grandaughter

cousin                girlfriend                 friend                  “twin”: Best friend

employee         survivor                  Christian              writer/poet

driver                singer                       photographer     nature lover

volunteer        pet owner                 counselor               neighbor

cook                  music lover               Irish                       student

teacher            

Giving Thanks

Its getting close to that time of year, Thanksgiving were we tend to give thanks for the things we have and things that we have overcome throughout the past year.  And its the time of the week were i give my list of things that I am thankful and grateful for.

A Loving Family

Wonderful teachers in school; without them I don’t think I would have made it.

Lessons learned every day

Tom: I am so thankful that I found him and grateful for all the little things

Meeting new people

Breaking through my comfort zones

Friends who are there through thick and thin

My job, while I struggle from time to time, its worth it and means a lot

My eyesight, while my vision is bad without my glasses, I am thankful I can still see with them.

Being able to have luxuries such as a car, warm running water and other things we tend to take for granted

We tend to take so many different things for granted that sitting here thinking of the things that I am grateful for makes me think of why I am grateful for them and why they are important to my life.  Too often we take for granted the things we do have and don’t realize that things could be worse.  Take time out of your day to give thanks for the things  and people you are able to have in your life.

Suffering

“ …accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it.”  Yet another great quote from C.S. Lewis.  When we are suffering through something we constantly want to find something to do with our suffering, to take us away from having to suffer through whatever it is.

I talked about accepting our struggles for what they are earlier, and this has the same idea.  There is nothing we can do about the times when we need to suffer except to suffer through it.  When we strive and push forward things slowly get better and look up.  We see solutions to things that we wouldn’t have seen if we didn’t suck it up and struggle through our suffering.  Sometimes in order to get to where we need to be or want to be we need to suffer through some hardships.  Its a part of life and we need to accept that.  I know its hard to accept that we need to suffer and sometimes it seems and feels undeserved, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

We always want to escape suffering, get it over with or not even deal with it.  Some people try to hide their suffering with alcohol, drugs, sex, and other addictions.  But that doesn’t help, if anything it tends to make it worse.  We cannot escape suffering and struggling it’s all a part of this journey called life.  Its how we deal with it, how we accept it that matters and makes a difference.  I have decided to face my suffering head on and take things a step at a time because there is nothing we can do about it other than deal with and take it one day at a time.

Sharing pain

C.S Lewis says something interesting in his book “A Grief Observed” that he says “You can’t really share someone else’s weakness, or fear, or pain.”  This is such a powerful quote as I read it, it started to make me think.  But there is so much truth within it.  No matter how close you are to someone, how much you love someone, you cannot share their weakness, fears or pain.

Its hard to understand what someone is going through even if you have been through the same situation.  Every situation effects people differently.  What happens to me will effect me different and cause me a different pain than someone who may be going through the same thing.  You can understand to an extent, but not fully.  While we go through our hardships and pains we learn different lessons experience different thoughts.  No two people think the same.

I love Tom with all my heart and he loves me, but no matter how much we love each other and connect, we couldn’t share in each other’s weakness, fear and pains.  We can try to understand and support each other and be there, but sharing it, experiencing it step by step, thought by thought is a different story.  How could we when we aren’t the same person?

Battle Within

I just finished reading a novel by Ted Dekker called “Three.”  It is an amazing novel that I couldn’t put down, I wanted to see how it ended and the twists that Ted would put into it.  The basis of the novel was the battle between good and evil, but not from an outward viewpoint.  The battle of good and evil within ourselves.  In the novel good and evil manifested themselves into alternate personalities of  the main character, an interesting viewpoint. 

Every person no matter who you are, what religion you are, is capable of good as well as evil.  Some of the “evil” we do, we try to justify in some form or another.  For example we may not go out and kill someone in our neighborhood, but we do sin.  How often do we gossip about the couple next door?  or tell a “little white lie.”  We may not all go through alternate personality manifestations, but when we struggle with the good an evil inside I do believe there is a sort of reaction.  People around I believe notice a difference.

While in the book to destroy the evil personality the main character had to “kill” him.  But there is no way for us to destroy the evil within us because we are…human.  The only way we can deal with the evil and let good prevail is to rely on our faith no matter if you are Muslim, Buddhist, Christian, Catholic, Jewish or any other religion.  Faith, prayer and reliance is what we need to survive the battle between good and evil within us all.

Fears

So we all have fears there is no denying that right?  Sometimes those fears are rather irrational and a lot of the time based on past experience.  Fear is basically a common element in life and there doesn’t seem to be a way around it or away from it.  Is there?  What can one person do to get away from their fears and get rid of them?

What can one person do about their fears especially when their fears seem to begin to eat them up?  I admit I have my fears about many different things.  A lot of my fears deal with the things I have been put through in the past.  Who hasn’t allowed their past experiences to cause them fears.  I admit some of the past hurts are affecting me and somewhat biting me on the butt.

In the past I have always been the back-burner, lost and forgotten.  Never important to someone.  But now….with Tom, I feel so important.  Feel like I am finally valued and important to someone.  I have to honestly say I don’t think a guy has ever treated me this way before, that I am the most important person to him. 

I love Tom with all my heart.  And I guess laying myself on the line and allowing someone to have all my heart and all my trust, being somewhat completely vulnerable; its hard to do that and not have fears.

Thank You

So each week or the weeks I remember (so bad of me to forget i know) I give thanks for the things that I am thankful for and generalize like friends and family.  This week I will do something a little different.  I am going to give thanks for specific people who I am thankful to have within my life.

My mom; her strength is amazing

My brother Brandon; I don’t know if he realizes it but he has helped me through so much

Daddy; here is a man who took in two teenage kids and raised them as his own.

Melissa: we are so a like in so many ways, she makes me laugh when I need to and is always there

Tom: he is the most amazing man I have met, I now know how it feels to really be loved.

Pastor Paul: he is such a wonderful spiritual leader that I know I can go to with anything.

Uncle Larry; before he passed away he taught me so many things and still does as I look back on his life

Donya: She is another person who has been there for me through many different things and means a lot to me.

Brian:  Even though we have somewhat split ways, he is still an important person to me and I miss his friendship

Lau: she is like my sister in a another country I learned a bunch of things from her.  I miss her so much.

There are so many people in our lives that mean a lot to us and we need to give them thanks from time to time.  WIthout the important people in our lives helping us through this journey called life where would we be?

Needing God

I have been reading C.S Lewis’ “A Grief Observed” this weekend, its not all that long, I started it Friday and I have it almost finished.  But there are so many things within it that Lewis says that makes a lot of sense when you read it.  At one point he talks about needing God when we are going through a hardship like grief (which could be grief over many different things).

He says “When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing him…but go to him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain…a door slammed in your face.”  What he said is right, too often when we are happy and have no struggles we don’t feel the need for God, too many people tend to put Him to the back burner and not come to Him until they are struggling.  The slamming door Lewis talks about, isn’t so much of God slamming the door on us, or turning his back to us.  It is more of us wanting a response right away, right when we turn to Him and not thinking or remembering that God responds  in His own time not our own.

Too often we think like Lewis was that when are in a time of need God seems to turn his back.  It may seem that way because of our own selfishness.  We commonly ask “where was God in my hardships?”  What we don’t realize is that when we need God the most, that is when He is with us the most. God is always there, and it makes me think of the poem Footprints when the man asked God about the footprints and He said “That is when I carried you.”  We think we are going through our hardships alone, but that is when God is carrying us.  Why is that we don’t realize that?

Giving Thanks

I know I have been lacking lately in the blogging aspect of things, but I have been so busy and I am working on being more disciplined in it.  There are things throughout live that I am thankful for and once a gain here are some of those things.

Cheesy as it is:  love.  Being in love and being loved.

More cheese:  being held in Tom’s arms, its well perfect

PuffPuff: she is so soft, and I love when she meows at me when I talk to her.

Festivals: they are so much fun and a lot of the time you can learn from them

Friends/Family: they mean the world to me and I don’t know what I would do without any of them.

Popeye:  Tom’s cat.  His energy as a kitten is so cute and the things he does makes me laugh

My Clients:  The kids I work with help remind me about the importance of being young and holding onto whatever I can to keep me young.

Fall: the colors are so beautiful and the weather is just nice

Popcorn….what is there to say yummy

Milk…does a body good….no really sometimes a nice glass of cold milk hits the spot.  and Tom makes awesome choco milk :D

ZombieFest

This past Sunday I got to experience something different…ZombieFest in Pittsburgh.  It is exactly how it sounds, people dressing as Zombies and pretty much hanging out for the day in Market Square.  Okay so there was concerts and contests at the end of the night there was a zombie walk also.  This year we beat the world record for number of zombies in one place: 4700 to be exact.

I went with Tom, of course.  It was a chance to do something I normally wouldn’t have done on my own.I got the chance to watch Tom do some of the work he does and be a part of it..I was his model and took pictures for his portfolio.

Normally we always try to do things that fit into our comfort zones and try to stay within them.  I don’t think it’s healthy to live that way, sometimes we need to push ourselves to break those zones and try something new, experience something different.  I had so much fun at the Zombie Fest, and knowing me….4700 people around me normally would mean a panic attack of some sort, but it didn’t happen.  The more I put myself slightly outside of my comfort zone the less panic attacks I have.  I grow as a person and in mental health so to speak.

I think we need to get out of our comfort zones, it’s not that bad of a thing to break out and learn something new.  If it is something that can help us grow then why are we all afraid of it?

Love

I heard something a little while ago on the show HOUSE, the details of the show I cannot remember, but that’s not important.  There was a line in the show where the husband said something along the lines of “shouldn’t you love her more today than the day you married her?” in response to a doctor saying that he loved his wife as much as he did the day he married her.

That line got me thinking about love and falling in love.  I don’t think a person completely falls, and that it is a constant process.  When two people honestly love each other I don’t think they ever end falling in love.  You may realize you love someone but everyday that love should grow more.  The more time I spend with Tom, the more I fall in love with him.  I see him for everything that he is. 

To me falling in love, and having fallen in love is the same thing because the falling never ends.  Either way you are in love with that person.  Maybe I have an idealist outlook on love and how it should be, but honestly I think love should just continue to grow and be like your heart is going to jump out of your chest until you tell that special person that you love them.

Giving Thanks for The Bad

Its that time again for me to give thanks for the things in my life.  Instead of doing all the good things I think I am going to do something different.  I have been writing about accepting the bad things in life and realizing the importance of them.  So I am thankful for all things in my life.

Hodgkin’s Lymphoma; I have learned a lot because of it

Struggling with my job while it is difficult now, I know there is light in the end and there is something to learn from this.

Depression: this is something i struggle with and each time I do I become stronger

Gossip: rumors fly no matter where your walk in life has taken you

Past bad relationships:  while in the past I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused, cheated on, put down, I appreciate the relationship I have with Tom all the more

Losing friends: People always tend to go in different directions no matter what.

Finances: this time of age everyone is struggling somehow with finances, while i search for new ways to save money I am learning more of budgetting and new ways to keep some of that paycheck

Life isn’t always aboout just the good things in life.  Everything isn’t always peaches and rainbows.  There are some bad things in life whether we want to accept them or not.  I have decided to accept the bad things for what they are: inevitable and beyond my control.  And I am thankful for that.

Appreciation

As you all know I have been reading a book that has been making me thing.  Most of my posts have been about what I was reading and how it is changing some of my thoughts.   I think alot of the times when we go through a phoenix process; we might not even know it.  At the moment when we are in our dark times; we don’t realize the changes that are being made and the good things that could come from it.  In fact I don’t think we realize it until years later.

In the past I have had my share of difficult times, and honestly I wasn’t ready to go through my phoenix process until years later.  I have been in numerous bad relationships where I was abused emotionally, physically, and sexually.  At the time I didn’t understand why I needed to go through the things that I went through.  I didnt understand the doors that would be open to me later in my life and I continued to make decisions that were not the smartest of ones because of the relationships I was in.  Everything we do effects the future no matter what.

In the past I was never treated right.  I think about the things I was put through and I wonder how I made it through and how I could possibly be willing to give my heart to someone else.  Maybe it’s my Idealist personality that believed I would be treated the way I deserved sometime.  I cannot tell you how bad I wanted to find someone that fit the “profile” of what I thought would be my dream guy. 

Last night while I was laying with Tom watching the Steeler game at Sean’s house, I realized all the pain and heartache I have been though makes me appreciate him more.  I want to do everything I can to make him feel appreciated and not take him for granted.  In all honesty I have never been treated as good as Tom treats me.  I have never felt so special and “luffed” as I do when I am with him, well even when I’m not.  The past hurts were worth it to have someone so wonderful and so special in my life.  I see why I needed to go through the hardships and pains that I have in other relationships.  If I wasn’t treated so badly, I wonder would I appreciate Tom as much as I do?  Would I notice the little things as much as I do?   The way he looks at me makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world…I’ve never had that.

Looking back on the past I realize now how important it is to accept the bad that has happened in life and not forget about it.  I know I am never going to forget the difficult times in my life.  They have made me a better person and taught me to appreciate the little things in life.  Its the little things, the simple things in any aspect of life, not just a relationship that matters.

Thanksgiving

I know I said I would try to do this more often, and I kind of slipped away from it.  But I would like to get back into doing a weekly post of the things I am thankful for in my life.

Random txt messages from a wonderful boyfriend

The support of family

Being healthy and the things I learned from my diagnosis

“Pocket Sushi” “Hey hey hey” and other inside jokes with friends

The random sound of my cat purring at 3am

The smell after fresh fallen rain

Talents that God has blessed me with

Seeing progress in the children I work with

A church I don’t feel judged in

Meeting new people each and every day

There are so many things throughout life that we should be thankful for.  It’s hard to pull out just a few things.  I have learned through my hardships and difficult times that you need to find things to be thankful for and to look forward to having in your life.  What are some of the things  you are thankful for?

Who I Am

In a post I wrote a few weeks ago I asked myself who am I?  Who is this person typing these posts, who I see in the mirror?  It’s a serious question, one I didn’t take lightly when I seek out the answer, and I continue to search for the answer.  Its a never ending quest.  Not just for me but all of us, we are constantly learning new things about ourselves and new things about who we are as people and in the roles we play.

The roles I play are common: daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, employee, TSS, niece, grand-daughter, cousin.  But I am also a writer, poet, singer, avid reader, idealist and so much more.  I realized the other day that there is more to me than I give myself credit for let alone what other people give me credit for.  Who I am is made up of so many different things, it isn’t what I look like or what I do.  It’s who I am and how I present myself to others in a sense.  If I constantly mask who I am from the people around me then it is easier to lose sight of who the real Jenn is.  The real Jenn has always been compassionate, but I lost some of my compassion, patience and other things.

I have lost contact with who the real me is and I didn’t realize it.  It took something drastic and tragic to happen for me realize I needed to do something different and find myself again.  The past month or so I have been working learning myself once more.  I have learned new things about myself and ventured out to try new things to learn who I am.  And honestly I am happy with the person that I am, not the person I was.  I am who I am and I happy with it…

A Real Connection

I read something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  I stopped reading and sat back to start writing this blog.  What I read said “It’s a deeper life.  A life of connection to people on a more real level.”  I sit here thinking about the connections I have with the people in my life are they real?  Or something else.

The quote above is a part of a woman’s story of overcoming a hardship she had in her life.  I think many times we go through these hardships and hard times so that we can strengthen the connections we have with people.  Since being diagnosed with cancer and then told I was cured, I know my connections with people in my life have been different.  Some are so much stronger, deeper and as the woman said, more real.  We go through awful things to learn how to live a new life and become more connected with the people in our lives because we come to realize how important they are to us.

Our connections to the people in our lives get stronger get…more personal when we allow them into our lives during the struggles.  The people who were there every step of the way during my cancer are the people I feel the closest to while those who turned away the connection…doesn’t seem as real.  Even the connections I have made afterwards..there are some that feel like the level is more real than others and I’m not sure why that is.  It is easier for me to allow people in and get a better glimpse of who I am and what makes me tick.  Through all our hardships and happy times, it’s the connection to those around us that matters.  Even when we feel we need space and don’t want to talk to people…we need to keep those connections alive before the fade and become less real.

Spiritual Gems

 Alot of the time when we go through something we don’t realize the things we learn.  The gems we find within our difficult times.  The book I am reading says something interesting about the spiritual gems that we find throughout our difficult periods.  “Nothing that happens is to be ignored.  Everything requires attention and mindfulness.  There are spiritual gems to be recovered from the difficult challenges.”  We need to pay attention to everything we are going through whether it is good or bad.  I think too often we want to pay attention to the good and accept the good going on in our lives, but we never pay attention to the difficult things happening in our lives.

We all go through things in life, things that are difficult and hard to find the light through.  While we go through these things we need to look up and pay attention.  We need to stand strong and face everything head on whether or not we are afraid of what would happen or not.  We need to pay attention and see what we can learn from these difficult times through a mindful understanding.  The things we learn through our difficult times and the ways we change through them are spiritual gems.  Too often we try to hide and bottle the bad stuff up only to have it all explode on us ten times worse.  We cannot ignore things that are happening to us.  We need to accept things for the way they are   and accept it all as is.

We never know how important it is to surrender to the things life grants us whether it is good or bad.  We only understand the full importance when we go through a difficult period.  We will still try to hide things, but we will begin to learn the importance everything holds in our lives and we will begin to surrender ourselves to everything.

Fear

How often do we don’t do something because we are too afraid?  Too often we miss out on things in life because we are afraid to step out of our comfort zones or to try to do something out of the ordinary for us.  There is a quote from a rabbi “Fear is a sneaky thief; stealing away precious moments of life.”  If we allow it fear will take away so much of our lives.

We are afraid to try for that other job, ask that pretty girl out, try a new hobby, or even afraid of an illness we or someone we love may have.  While we are at home afraid to venture out, precious moments fly by.  We miss the possible memories we could be making.  Too often our struggles and hardships cause us to become fearful of various things in life.  I think sometimes when we go through a hardship we have a hard time bringing ourselves out of it because we are afraid of it happening again, of failing, or having to struggle all over again.

Our fears keep us from the finer things in life.  I have my fears with relationships because of my past, if I allowed my fears to take control I would have missed out on someone simply wonderful.  Fear cannot rule our lives and we can’t allow it to.  But how exactly do we keep fear from ruling our lives?

Better Nature

Sometimes through our hardships and struggles we learn things about ourselves.  We learn our true selves, who we really are like I mention in an earlier post.  I think a lot of the times we get so wrapped up in daily life, the things we NEED to do like work, bills, grocery shopping, etc that we lose grasp of who we really are.

A rabbi named Yehudah Fine made the statement the “even in the black depths of pain and despair, their struggles could give birth to their better natures.”  When we are in that depth of despair and heartache we struggle not just with whatever is happening in our lives but also with ourselves.  I think when we are in the black pit we are forced to see ourselves for who and what we really are, and a lot of the time we don’t like what we see.  The more we struggle the more we learn about ourselves and learn to accept who we are.  I think that is part of the acceptance that opens doors.  When we accept our true selves then more doors open.

We go through the process of being reborn through our struggles and tribulations.  We learn the true nature of ourselves and sometimes through the process of being reborn we become better people in some form or another.  We become a new person because of our struggles and hardships.  I know through my hardships I have learned new things and feel like I have been reborn into a better nature.  A better outlook on life, better understanding, better…well everything.  I think thats what all of our hardships do.  We don’t see it but they teach us things, sometimes though we are unwilling to learn.

Camping

This weekend I went camping, well Saturday into Sunday.  It was so much fun and I really enjoyed the time with my friends.  But while we were there I got the chance to take in nature at its finest and listen to what it had to tell me the way Emerson and Thoreau talked about in their works.  It was so peaceful where we were and I couldn’t help but feel at peace with how things are in my life right now.  Sure I am struggling with a few things, but all the good things outweigh anything bad.  Life is never going to be completely and totally perfect so we can’t expect it to be.  We need to accept it and focus on the good things in our lives like awesome friends and family.

I found myself just sitting there watching my friends and boyfriend interact with each other.  Or watching the fire-light dance, the water running over the rocks, hearing animals playing in the water at night.  Everything about this weekend has been peaceful and I feel rejuvenated from it.  Im ready to take on the week and tackle any issue that may arise.  Im happy with letting doors close and seeing what else life has more me.  Life is going to throw me hardballs, and make things alittle difficult but that is the point in life right?  The real world?  Everything isn’t going to be ponies and candy (though Tom’s diet when he gets old is going to consist of candy) its going to be tough and we are going to have to struggle through things and find ways to work through it all.  We need to find that peace within, that peace that nature has.  Camping this weekend helped me a lot, maybe I should do it more often.

Choosing

There is a quote in Broken Open that I found interesting and made me stop reading for a little bit.  This book has the habit of doing that and I like it even though its making me take forever to read it, but I digress.  The quote says: God or Spirit or Creator or insert name here, wants us to go down into the dark waters, but also wants us to come up to the light…We can choose darkness, fear, addiction, and despair.  We can choose light, hope, meaning and joy.

Sometimes we do choose the fear, addiction and despair without realizing it.  We think we are getting away from our problems by hiding them or hiding from them.  I think too often we expect things to tide over and just be done with and we will be okay.  We never think that it is our decision that brings out of that pit of despair.  We are the ones who make the difference in our own lives, we are the ones who begin to build back from struggles, strife, and all kinds of hardships that life throws at us.  We tend to find things that help us through those times of tribulation.  For example I use writing and photography to choose light and hope.

Sometimes we need to go through those times of darkness and despair, but we go through them because they help us see what we need to do to find the light.  We are made to make the choice, to choose what we want for our lives and a lot of the time we make the choice to struggle and be well miserable.  We are too engulfed in our pain that we don’t see the doors that open into the light, hope and meaning.  Sure I know in life I am going to struggle with things, but now I am making the choice to fight through it and get across the dark waters to the shores of light and happiness.

Opened Door

Yesterday I had one of the greatest times I have had in a long time.  I spent the day with a very special, wonderful man.  We spent the day at the zoo, then a movie and to top it off a beautiful, romantic view of the city.  Everyone tends to go to the look out points, but we went somewhere different and the view was breath-taking.

The book I am reading mentioned something about open doors and how most of the time we don’t notice the doors open to us because we pay too much attention to the closed ones.  We try to open them, bust them down, break them open that we don’t see the door right next to it wide open.  I have decided to let doors close in my life and accept that those doors have been closed.  Because well when one doors closes another one opens right?  But I accepted that some doors have been closed; while some not completely (like not losing someone all together but becoming great friends).  I took the chance on a door that has been open and had probably one of the best dates in a long time.

The door has been opened to something that could be wonderful…well is wonderful already.  I know we will be spending more time together.  Everything yesterday was perfect, even when we weren’t talking it was perfect, well aside from all the animals being asleep except like the polar bear.  But I’m excited for paying attention to the open door in front of me.  More later….

The Real Me

I am still reading Broken Open; I know its taking me a while to read, longer than most books, but I’ve been taking my time and really letting some of what the author says really sink in.  I read something today that actually made me stop and think.  It was a quote from Ram Dass “Nothing more to lose. Ego breaks open – then you see who you really are.”

We all can admit that there are things that happen in life that just shatter our ego, possibly a part of the phoenix process I mentioned in a post last week.  It breaks us down until we see who the real us are.  What makes us tick; what the core of who we are..who we really are.  Not who we want to be, or even who we THINK we are, or even who we portray to other people.  The trials we go through break us down and force us to take a look at ourselves and I think a lot of have a hard time with trials because we have a hard time taking that good hard look at ourselves.  We don’t want to admit that we were broken down by something even if it was something out of control.

Sometimes, maybe we need to lose it all to see what really matters to us.  To see things we’ve never noticed before in our lives.  When we lose it all…maybe we will learn to appreciate what we have more.  But what we need to admit and come to terms with before we see those things is sometimes we need to relearn who we are.  Find out who the real me is behind the masks we put on in everyday life; behind all the roles we play daily.  Im starting to ask myself that now…who am I?

Weekly Thanks

There are times when I keep missing the weekly thanks and thats a bummer. But I am trying to get back into giving thanks on a weekly basis for a variety of things.

People who mean the world to me

A good job and seeing it make a difference

The innocence of children: the things they say, the imagination they have, just children in general

Getting the chance to snap a great picture of nature, friends, and family

The softness of m cat and the cuteness of her meow

A friend that I could never live without

Regaining my confidence

My brother

There are so many different things to be thankful for and just a simple weekly thanks doesn’t seem to be able to justify them all or begin to say how thankful I am to have things in my life, or even people in my life.

Acceptance

This post is an acceptance of one of the struggles in my life.  The end of last month a tragedy happened to me; well a crime was committed against me. I’m not going into details about what happened because honestly…I don’t think I can at this point.  Someday I will be.

I have alot of the things that I need to do; should do to help myself through the process of healing.  There are some of those things, that I just cannot do.  Things I almost did, but chickened out of; changed my mind on because I don’t think I can handle it.  I know it makes me look weak because I cannot bring myself to go through with something I planned on doing.  I know my not going through with it also hurts some of the people in my life and that in itself hurts me.  But like I said I cannot bring myself to do.  Just the thought of it scares me and makes me want to cry.

Sometimes in life when we are faced with decisions to make we need to think of our own well-being, it may be selfish, it may be weak, but sometimes we do need to think of ourselves.  I don’t think I would be able to remain intact through it; I would just break, whatever thread that is holding me together would come apart.  Ive done a lot of things I didn’t really want to do, but knew I needed to do, and this one thing…I just cannot bring myself to do…and it makes me feel weak.

No matter what we go through in life, knowing we have people that care is what makes a difference and while some of the people in my life don’t know the full extent of what happened, they support me and that means the world to me.  Having someone there to talk to when I need it, or someone there to allow me to be weird, or even to threaten to leave me in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.  While going through this, having my best guy friend there for me is what has helped me through this.  I  know what happened, while it happened to me, has hurt him too…so has my decision and I cannot explain  it.  And I don’t know what to do to help.  I know the whole thing is hard for everyone, but really…I have to do what is right for me.  .

Phoenix Process

We have all heard the myths about the phoenix, if not its a legend of a bird: the phoenix who every 500 years or so bursts into flames and dies, only to rise again from the ashes.  The bird becomes a reflection on the bird it once was a the bird it will become.   I think from time to time we need to go through a similar process.  We need to renew ourselves from shattered pieces, from the ashes of a difficult time.  I think sometimes we need to struggle and when we are forced to look at things in our lives and realize we need to accept certain situations.

It is in the darkest moments that we see the light.  Sometimes its in the darkest hours when we think everything is lost that we begin to see things clearer and begin to change ourselves.  We gain a new perspective one things and see not just our situations, but also the world in a new point of view.  We will always find things we need through the process.  We get to the points of burning to ashes in order to see some of these things, to learn more not about the world around, but about ourselves.

We are like the phoenix, we go through moments of transformations, of almost as if we die and become a new person.  A lot of the time we don’t see it as a process of becoming something new WHILE we go through the process but afterwards, when we look back on things we may see how we have changed.  I know looking back on my past, I have seen changes, I have seen how I as a person have changed and my outlook on life has changed.  Almost everything we live through is part of the phoenix process.  Everything we decide and do is a part of the process of becoming something new, something stronger.

Emotional Intelligence

So I was reading my book today and read something else that kind of made sense.  The author said something about relying too much on our brains to “carry the full weight” of life.  But when it comes down to it we need to allow our hearts to take over sometime.  For some reason we don’t allow our hearts to speak, we don’t listen to our hearts as much as we want, or should.  Elizabeth Lesser (the author) made an interesting point.  She said maybe it was because we live in a society that stresses intellectual understanding rather than emotional intelligence. 

Too often we think or emotions and feelings are untrustworthy and we cannot experience reality if we listen or rely on our emotions and feelings.  ITs almost as if we really don’t allow ourselves to feel, but to think about the solution to our troubles.  I think we feel more stress and struggle more because we don’t let ourselves actually feel.  What if…maybe…some of the hardships and struggles we go through don’t have a solution other than to feel.  To experience the pain and heartache?  Maybe we NEED to feel.  Maybe we need to experience the feelings and emotions that go along with going through the pains of life.

While some people think emotions and feelings are untrustworthy and we can’t rely on them that much; I think sometimes we need to rely on our emotions to experience life.  What is life if you don’t experience the emotions and feelings that go with it?  Why do we have to try and hide how we feel and the emotions that sometimes rage inside us?

Letting Go

I am having a conversation with one of my good friends about letting go of people we care about and love.  While we love these people dearly; we know we need to let them go and do what they need to do. What we both are realizing is that we are accepting the situations that we have like the book Broken Open talks about; new doors are opening.  Things are slightly changing.  We are accepting that one door might be closing on us and instead of trying to wedge our feet in to keep it open….something else presents itself.

I think a lot of time we are all stuck trying to hold onto the past whether it is a person we love, a job we gave up, an opportunity we let pass us by or whatever we try to hold on to it.  Hold onto some of our failures; I know I’m guilty of that.  We are constantly looking back instead of looking forward.  We want to keep trying to either wedge our feet into the door close or bust down the door that has already been close.  When we do that we don’t notice all the doors that are being open to us.  Why do we do that?  Why can’t we let things go and try to break through the closed doors.  Why can’t we just let go and accept the way things are?  Especially if it hurts so bad.

I have decided to just realize that when I accept things for the way they are and not try to hold onto the things I need to let go, i will see the doors more clearly and maybe…just  maybe be a little bit happier.

Open Doors

I am reading this book called Broken Open and there are so many things that it says that is making sense to me and I think I am going to try.  The chapter I read today had a quote at the beginning that is sticking with me and making me think.  It is from a  poet named Rumi.  It says: The moment you accept what troubles you've been given, the door will open.

Sometimes we don’t want to accept our troubles and kind of deny that we are going through anything.  We are human, we will constantly be dealing with some sort of hardship no matter what it is.  Yet for some unknown reason we cannot accept that we go through things.  Whenever someone asks how are things going or how do  you like your new job; we never answer what is on our minds.  We never say things just aren’t going right.  We never say that there is a struggle in our lives.  Why not?  Why can’t we admit that we are hurting?

Rumi says that once we accept our troubles doors will be open. We tend to pound at that door, trying to make it open but its like pad-locked.  We need to accept the fact that we will go through troubles and tribulations.  We need to share not only our accomplishments and satisfaction, but also our sorrows and failures.  There is nothing wrong in admitting that sometimes things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows.  Because seriously when is it really all sunshine and rainbows?

Weekly Thanks

Here I am again giving thanks for the things that I have in life.  Things that I may sometimes take for granted.  But the more I think about things in life the more I try to appreciate the little things in life.

A good family

Music…i realized this week how much I listen to music.  I always listen to music, when I am getting ready, when I clean, when i drive.  I never realized it until now that music is a part of me.

Fresh summer air.  There is nothing like sitting outside on a nice summer night.

Smell of fresh rain: I love to sit outside when it is raining so I can smell the rain and enjoy beauty of God all around.

The trials in life that has made me the woman I am today.

I Don’t Care

I have started listening to a band called Apocalyptica and I have to say I love their music.  Okay maybe its because they use cellos for rock/goth songs which is great in my book.  They have many great songs, but there is one song that I keep listening to today and i cannot get out of my mind.  It is called “I Don’t Care” featuring Adam from Three Days Grace.

I think thats the kind of attitude I need to take more often.  I don’t care.  I don’t what other people say, think or do.  Why should I care?  Why should I try to make other people happy when in the end it makes me unhappy?  Why should I worry if someone thinks it makes them look better to call me a whore?  I know the truth and people around me know the truth. 

Im getting to the point where I don’t care about other people  (to an extent) I still want to help people mainly children, but I am becoming bitter about people my own age.  I don’t care, I don’t give a rats ass about what other people think, say or do anymore.  Why should I?  What is the point in it?  There isn’t one.  I think I am changing the way I think and act, which is not a bad thing.  Right now I don’t care what others think, say, or do. 

 

Thanks

I know I have been MIA for a while, but I took a break from writing but I am trying to get back into writing.  I enjoy it and some of my friends say they enjoy reading what I write so here I am.  But that is beside the point.  There are times when we need to give thanks for the things that we have in life whether they are small things, or big things.  Whatever it is give thanks so here again are some things I am thankful for.

Good friends. My friends mean the world to me, whether i met them in person or online.

Everyday Beauty.  There is beauty all around us that we take for granted: children, butterflies emerging, plants growing, a simple rain drop

Sitting down with a good book

oddly: the softness of my cat.  Whenever something seems to go wrong my cat feels softer

being cancer free

that my mom is okay after her car accident and daddy is okay after his accident at work.

my clients.  I enjoy my job and working with the kids that I do.  There is no greater joy than to see progress in a kid you are working with.

Dating Rant

So we all know I have been dating yay.  But the thing that gets me is the guys I date act one way and turn out to be something else.  Before YES Camp I started dating this guy and we went out a few times, but when i got back from camp I found I was blocked from his number and his facebook page.  I have no idea why things seemed to be going good.  Then I went out with this other guy, again things going good, next day he was texting me all day then suddenly he stopped, and won’t answer any that I sent.  I am confused. <Imagine a very confused me…>

Why not just be upfront and honest when you don’t think something is going to work out.  Why do some guys have to just avoid a person?  I mean why make someone think things are good, you’ll see them again and then poof disappear, go mia, drop off the face of the earth if you will.  I mean what is so hard in being honest with a person?  Why be so vague?

I am a good woman…a damn good woman.  I know I have my faults, I mean who doesn’t right?  I just don’t understand sometimes.  I know there is a good guy out there somewhere, but I am tired of kissing frogs to find my prince…

Forgetting

Everyone has had something bad said about them in one form another, granted its hurtful to hear that someone has decided to say things about us.  There are times when no matter how old you are you will have to deal with people talking trash so to speak. Recently I had someone who I thought was a friend say some pretty nasty things about my character; things that are too far out there to be true.  But it still hurts.  The way I react to this is whats important.  Do I lash out at the person who is saying these things, or do I act as if what is being said in fact does not bother me?

Paulo Coelho says in his novel “The Fifth Mountain”:Life is made of oour attitudes. And there are certain things that the gods oblige us to live through. Their reason for this does not matter, and there is no action we can take to make them pass us by.  We don’t know the reason why certain things happen.  I dont know why this person feels the need to say mean and hurtful things, but there is a reason for it.  How i react could make a huge difference.  There is nothing I can do about another person’s actions and right now I am fine with that.  Its my actions and my attitude that means anything.

If I lash out at said person; I wouldnt be the bigger person, i would just be allowing her words to anger me, which makes me think of the kids saying “sticks and stones my break my bones but names will never hurt me.”  What good will lashing out do?  My attitude needs to be better than that.  There is nothing I can do to make this person stop their words, there is nothing i can do to stop anyone from saying something, but I can react in a positive manner and thats what makes me…well me and makes my life the way it is.

Weeds

Paolo Coelho has become probably my favorite author right now.  I am reading a collection of his short stories and there is one about weeding.  He starts off talking about his weapon and his prey and then the doubts he feels..what if the weed is just nature’s way of trying to survive and how can we call it a weed simply because we don’t want it in our gardens.  But what I want to talk about is what he said at the end of the story….When something unwanted, undesirable comes into my soul, I pray that God will mercilessly pluck it out.

I have thought about this statement ever since I read it a few days ago.  We all have things in our lives that are undesirable and need to be plucked out the way we do weeds, but sometimes we tend to be too afraid to pluck them out.  We come up with one reason or another to keep them there instead of saying just as Paolo said…God pluck it out any way you need to.  Do not have mercy on the weeds in my soul.  They are undesirable by you and I.  Take them pluck them, burn them with your purifying fire.

I know a lot of times people tend to point out what someone else is doing, the weeds in someone else’s soul.  I know a few people who have done that to me.  What we need to do is take an inventory of ourselves.  Look to ourselves and see our own weeds instead of that of other people.  I think we look over our weeds and are maybe even afraid to say we have anything that needs to be plucked out.  But it needs to be done, and it needs to be done on a daily basis.

Weekly Thanks

I really enjoy taking time each week to give thanks to God for the things He has granted me in my life and the past week. This week instead of doing general things I am thankful for, but I will do things this week that I am thankful for. God blesses us daily with things we take for granted and we need to spend more time giving thanks for those things.

Getting another case at work (I lost one case that was 15 hrs, but immediately I got another one for 15)
Bible Study; I learned so much in BIble study this week that I am always thankful for it
Sunny weather. I know that may sound silly, but it has been so cold and drab that the sun just brightens my day.
Progress in my clients. Each day I see improvements within each of my clients that it makes the bad days worth while.
Seeing old friends such as Pastor Dan at church or Rev. Lorrane Davis at the store.
Being able to hold back on my spending this week.
Needing to get my car fixed (Not having money but reling on God for strength)

There are so many different things to thank God for that has happened. Good things bad things and everything in between. My God is an awesome God and I think Him for everything in my life.

Comfort Zone

I know I think a lot about comfort zones and venturing out of them.  I know myself I struggle with wanting to stay within my own comfort zone and doing what others want me to do.  I read something today by Paolo Coelho (yes he is becoming my favorite author) he said “Sometimes we are so attached to our way of life that we turn down a wonderful opportunity simply because we don’t know what to do with it.”  When I read that I had to ask myself what have I passed up because I was afraid to leave what I knew or because I didn’t know what to do with the opportunity?

There are some opportunities that I have regretted not taking such as a summer seminar in Ireland, 2 weeks of studying W.B Yeats, or the course in photography in Ireland (my favorite professor was the prof. for that one and offered to take me to WB Yeats seminar.)  I could have learned so much there, but i was too afraid to even try it.  There are some opportunities I was afraid to take and looking back I am happy I didn’t take them because I wouldnt be where I am today. 

I know in life we cannot look back and wonder what, but sometimes looking back can help us learn and grow for the future. I already know I am taking more risks in life and taking steps out of my comfort zone like driving 611 miles to see Casey when I have never been there.  It may not seem like much but it was a big step from comfort zone.  How can we grow and learn more about ourselves and about life if you don’t venture out of our comfort zones?  How can we experience life if we just do what everyone else in our community does?  Why don’t we just take risks and leave our comfort zones and learn more, experience more and grow more?

Weekly Thanks

I thinking to myself I need to spend more time thanking God for the things I have in my life.  There are things in life that we all should be thankful for, things we tend to take for granted.  I appreciate many things in life.

A child’s laughter

Having a good job that I love

Having a man I love dearly

Friends who are there through and through

A family who supports all decisions

A hunger for knowledge

a simple….hug

Reading a good book on a snowy night

a nice hot bubble bath

The softness of a kittens fur

I know there are some things on the list that are more simplistic than others and other that are more in depth. But everything that we take for granted can be seen as small and simplistic while others are small but deep like having clean water to drink and bathe in.  What are things you are thankful for?

Lifting Up

Lately I have been thinking about the things in life that either get me down or lift me up. I have noticed there are more times when I focus on the things that bring me down rather than what lifts me up. I ask myself why? Why do I do this? I love smiling and being happy so why dwell on the things that hurt and bother me? There are times when we all need lifted up and there are different things that do that. Instead of dwelling on things that bring us down we need to look at positives in life. Does God want us to be negative about life? No, I think he wants us to be positive. Im sitting here thinking of things in life that make me happy that can turn any bad day into something good in an instant. A lot of them have to do with my faith in God, other things not so much, but I guess they tie in with him somewhere.

Reading my Bible. I admit I don't do this as often as I should, but when I do I feel lifted, rejuvinated and so much more happier. Its hard to feel down and depressed when I read my Bible, but at the same time it is hard to read it when I feel down and depressed.

Casey. Yep the love of a good man always makes me happy when I think of him. There are times when I get sad and depressed because I cannot be with him daily or be there to comfort him in times of stress, but that doesn't mean he loves me any less. So how can I allow depression to rule me when I have someone who loves me so much?

Friends. I cannot say that I have a TON of friends, but the friends that I do have mean a great deal to me. I have a few friends who have been there for me during a time when i needed support the most, and those people are like family. When I feel down and out sometimes I will call one, or send them a message. Other times I will look at pictures and just smile. (You all know who you are, if not I will remind you LOL).

Church. My church is like a second home to me. I cannot imagine a better place than sitting in my church for a football game or going bowling with my church family. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my church and I can't imagine feeling depressed after going to a service. I may go in depressed and down, but when I come out...Im lifted up.

We all struggle with feeling depressed and down on a daily basis. Some deal with it differently and some have a harder time with it. SOme feel depressed worse than others, but we all deal with it in one form orr another. There are so many ways we feel lifted and brightened. Many times some of those ways are God's way of trying to help us. What are some ways you feel lifted?

Changes In Life

The other day my brother and I were shopping, and we were in this one store that 10 years ago we would have been bored out of our minds.  On this day we both were talking about how nice things they had for houses and what we would like in each of our homes.  How short those 10 years were but they changed both of us in many different ways.  One thing is that we do not fight like cats and dogs anymore haha.

Looking back on my past I realize where I have gone wrong, when I should have taken risks and when I shouldn’t have.  I learn from my past, and I see how they have changed me.  For the better.  I admit I am not the naive teenager I once was, I have grown in many different ways and see life in a different light than I did back then.  I want some of the same things but in different ways.  I have had more experiences in that time, but despite those experiences I still think I would have changed.  I mean if I never had cancer I still think I wouldn’t be the same person I once was.

As we grow we learn new things and our viewpoint on the world itself changes.  We begin to think about things that are bigger than ourselves, sure we think more on God and our purpose in life, but we also pay attention to the news, we are effected by world tragedy like what happened in Haiti.  I know I am effected by Darfur though few people know about it.  When I was a teenager, I don’t think it would have had the effect that it does now.  I wouldn’t have wanted to hop a plane and go to Darfur: the most dangerous place in Africa right now.  I would have wanted to help and tried to find different ways, but now…its different.  Maybe its because I went to the Holocaust Museum or read so many books.  But my heart is different in so many ways not just to human suffering.

Things that were once important to me don’t make sense, the way I felt about myself doesn’t make any more sense.  Sometimes it feels like my heart is softened, but hardened at the same time.  At one point that wouldnt have made sense to me but now it does.   Time does change things…

Could Haves and What Ifs

I am in the middle of reading a book called By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept.  Right off the bat it talks about things that makes the readers think.  Paolo simply says “I could have. What does that phrase mean?”  Honestly what does I could have mean?  We' just end up looking back when we think I could have done this or I could have done that.  There are many times throughout life when we could do one thing or another.  That’s part of the decision making in life.  That is part of life in general.  We could go down one path or we could go down another.

While we are looking back and thinking I could have” we also start wondering “What if.”  Those can be two of the most dangerous things we can thing.  What ifs could lead us to regret the good decisions we made because we think “I could have done that, and what if I had.”  Its like when the what ifs and could haves enter our minds we get wrapped up in it and don’t realize what we do have and the right choices that we have made.  Could haves and what ifs only hurt us more than we think they do.  They inhibit us from really moving forward and living the life we deserve to live.  If I sat here thinking, “What if I didn’t buy my car”  Sure i would have 350 or more a month to spend on student loans, BUT (there always has to be a but) I wouldn’t have my own vehicle.  I could have bought a used car, but would it have problems.  I admit I subccomb to the what ifs and could haves and honestly I wish I didn’t.  I wish I could make a decision on not have the what ifs and could haves to enter into my mind.

There are other things that the what ifs enter my head for and those things are things I am working on.  There parts of the what ifs and could haves that we should all work on.  We can never just not wonder what if or think “well I could have” but we can limit it..right?

Hard Things in Life

The other day I posted a short post about doing something very hard, something that took all the strength I had.  But it needed to be done.  I forgave my rapist.  I have come a long way from the horrible night in 2001.  Forgiving the man gave me more strength then I thought it would.  When I forgave him I wasn’t saying what he did to me was okay, that it didn’t hurt emotionally and well physically, or that it wasn’t wrong.  Forgiving him was saying I am taking control over my life again.  I am not letting his actions rule me and cause my depressions.

The moment I gave it to God and forgave the man who hurt me the worst way, I felt a relief, a weight being lifted.  I felt free for the first time in 9 years.  Holding on to that pain, heartache, resentment, and bitterness just took a toll on me.  It destroyed me more than I thought it did.  It took a hold of my life and only brought me down more.  Took control of myself even though I thought I had control of it.    But letting go and forgiving the man who raped me…gave me control back.

Opportunities

I am watching “Evan Almighty” and there is a line in the movie said by Morgan Freeman who plays God. “When you pray for patience does God give you patience or the opportunity to be patient.  You pray for courage does he give you courage or the opportunity to be courageous.  When you pray to grow closer as a family…does it happen or does God give you the opportunity to grow closer.”  That’s not word for word, but the gist of what was said.  You get the idea though.

God gives us the opportunity to learn the things that we ask for like courage, patience, strength.  We learn them through the opportunities God gives us.  I wanted strength and I was diagnosed with cancer, I gained strength through it.  There are other things as I look back when I wanted patience, courage, strength, wisdom.  While I didn’t get them right off the bat God gave me opportunities for them to grow.

God doesn’t give us the things we want right away.  He gives us the opportunity to learn the things we need.  We don’t realize God is giving us these opportunities when He hands them to us.  We need to pay attention to the opportunities we have in life, and what we pray for, you never know God just may be trying to give you what you want and need.

Forgiveness

I did something today that was incredibly hard.  Something I didn’t think I would be able to do and took all the strength I had  in me to do….I forgave my rapist.  I needed to let go of the pain and hurt that still haunts me after so many years.  It was the hardest thing to do.  To say I forgive him for raping me.  Forgive him for taking what was not his.  By no means am I forgetting it or saying that by forgiving him it was somehow okay.  I just forgive him….and honestly I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Testimony

Today in Bible Study we were talking about testimonies and some of the people there talked about theirs.  One lady found Christ through her son’s death, one pastor found Christ while injured and more, but that got me thinking about my own “faith story” as Pastor Paul called it.

I grew up knowing God and learning about him from mom and granma lute.  I thought I was strong in my faith with God, but I came to realize I wasn’t.  When I was in my freshman year of college I was faced with many trials at once.  I had girls who were trying to make my life harder by spreading rumors, lashing out at me, one girl even had a private detective following me.  Before all of that happened, I was raped.  A man who I thought cared about me spiked me drink and took what was not his.  I felt worthless, unlovable, dirty, used, tainted, and more.  I blamed myself, hated myself and couldn’t feel God with me, when in fact I shut him out.

The church I was going to at the time went to a show called “Heaven’s Gates, Hells Flame.”  At the end of the show I realized I have never accepted Christ into my life, and it brought me to tears…

Weekly Thanks

Its that time again.  I think I am going to make my weekly thanks post, on fridays, so you can expect friday’s posts to be about giving thanks and things I am grateful in life for.  Today I am going to do something different.  Sure it is good to see what I am thankful for, but what are some other people thankful for?  I asked some of my friends what they are thankful for and this is what they had to say:

that I have the love of so many wonderful people like you and my kids and others despite my flaws and weaknesses” – my friend Terry

my husband” – my best friend Donya

My three littles and YOU” – Casey

Cheese” – my brother  (ok cheese is good and you can be thankful for it)

Family -- Daddy

God and facebook” – college roomie and friend Lindsey

My healthy children” – My friend from high school Shannon

Public restrooms and soft toilet paper – my friend Chris (yea small things make him happy)

My children, husband and church – my momma

Alot of the people in my life have chosen the same thing: family in one shape or form.  Others like my brother and Chris choose more simplistic and albeit odd things like soft toilet paper.  But its those things that you can be thankful for and appreciate.  Imagine if you didnt have toilet paper let alone soft.  When you did get it, you would appreciate it all the more.  Just think about that a minute….

 

Trusting God

There are times in our lives when we don’t trust God.  When we try to do things on our own or, we simply just don’t put our trust in God and what he does for us.  I know in my life there have been times when I didn’t trust in God.  But one thing that I keep realizing over and over again (I don’t know why I don’t remember it I should by now) is when I don’t trust in God things never go right, things fall apart, and my life is everything but relaxed and easy going.  It seems like its one thing after another, one worry, two stresses, and countless sleepless nights.

Then the moment I say “ok God you take the wheel” everything falls into place.  Things work themselves out and things happen that are unexplained or surprising.  For example my current job has three different wages depending on what I am doing.  Travel gets one wage, being with the client is another and training is yet one more.  Well I am still in training so I was expecting the training/meeting wage.  I have been worried about finances the past few weeks because I am going from one job to another.  Today I found out the hours I worked are not considered training but billable, the wage I get when with a client simply because no other TSS is with him.  So I get 3 hours at a different rate giving me a little bit more money, and the same goes for my hours next week.

I gave my finances up to God, and it worked out.  I thought I was close to being in the hole this week and when i checked last night I had enough to pay for bills I needed and then have money left over for gas.  God is providing for me in one way or another, because I am trusting in him.  Because I am giving him control, glory and honor in all things of my life, just not the places that I want him to be in.

True Love

There was a time in my life that I have felt that I would never find true love, that I wouldn’’t find the kind of love that I read about in Song of Solomon.  I honestly was beginning to lose hope.  I didnt think I would find what I was dreaming of.  Then I stopped looking.  I decided to try and focus on myself and becoming a better person.  Then I found it…in Casey; everything we have is waht I have been looking for in a relationship/man.

The purpose of love and relationships aren't to get what you want, but to do what you can to please the other person even if it means sacrificing something of yourself. Compromise is so important in a relationship. Its a solution that makes both parties happy, other times relish in doing something the other wants...is that so bad to endulge in something your lover likes to do? Support...be supportive of one another. Song of Solomon says we should be a refuge place not a place of stress for someone we love. We should be the one person our true love can come to and depend on and trust for strength when they are weak.

Song of Solomon also address the subject of sex and intimacy. Solomon says "Promise me....not to awaken love until the time is right" (2:7). Love creates emotions a desires that are natural, but too often people are in a hurry to build a relationship and have a certain intimacy that takes time. We need to take the time to get to know someone to love them for who they are learn what it means to truly love another as God loves us. Love needs to grow before one turns to imtimacy which is way God designated something so imtimate as sex for marriage alone. We cannot force that level of inimacy or rush it...it needs to come naturally and slowly. Not at our pace like everything else in this world.

Answered Prayers

We all pray to God for one reason or another.  Some things can be big prayers and other simple like getting a new job.  There are time when God does not answer our prayers and when he doesn’t it may seem like he isn’t listening to us and our cries.  But he does answer prayers in his time.  I have prayed for a new job for a few months and finally got a good one that is better suited for me.

There are other things in life that God has answered prayers for, some small and miniscle.  But there are other ones that are life changing.  I have been looking back on my life and I have been seeing the things in my life that have been answers to prayers even if I knew it or not.  Everything happened to me for a reason and I know that.  I see things were answers to my prayers.  Just because I wanted something and I didn’t get it the way I thought doesn’t mean that my prayer didn’t get answered. 

I tend to think that prayers are never unanswered but answered differently than we expect.  I pray to find the man of my dreams and that I’d marry one man.  I didn’t marry him, but years later I find someone who is a better fit to the dreams I have.  I didnt get a new job months ago because the right one wasn’t open yet.  Prayers get answered, but just not the way we expect.  When we look back on things we’ll see that things are answered in different ways.

Weekly Thanks

Time again to look at my life and give thanks for the things in my life no matter how big or how small.  Doing this I have learned a lot of different things because I have looked hard at my life looking at things I take for granted and realized that I take a lot of things for granted, like having hot water to shower with.  Things like that that we don’t think of but we should be thankful for.

Clean water to drink

Smile on a child’s face

My car..being able to pay for it

Smell of fresh cut grass or new fallen snow

Stars twinkling in the sky:  shooting stars

Parents who love me, a brother I’d do anything for

The softness of my cat’s fur (I love when she curls up near my head when I sleep)

Music…just in general…life would be boring without music

My best friend…to elaborate would take too long

Memories: good and bad

My boyfriend: no words can describe why I am thankful for him

My mistakes….I’ve learned from some, others..not so much.

I think too often we have a hard time looking at our life and being thankful for everything we have.  This is the perfect time of year to just sit back and think about what we are thankful for.  Things we tend to take for granted, and not appreciate.  When we do that, I think half the things wrong in life don’t seem so bad when we realize what we truly have.