Appreciation

As you all know I have been reading a book that has been making me thing.  Most of my posts have been about what I was reading and how it is changing some of my thoughts.   I think alot of the times when we go through a phoenix process; we might not even know it.  At the moment when we are in our dark times; we don’t realize the changes that are being made and the good things that could come from it.  In fact I don’t think we realize it until years later.

In the past I have had my share of difficult times, and honestly I wasn’t ready to go through my phoenix process until years later.  I have been in numerous bad relationships where I was abused emotionally, physically, and sexually.  At the time I didn’t understand why I needed to go through the things that I went through.  I didnt understand the doors that would be open to me later in my life and I continued to make decisions that were not the smartest of ones because of the relationships I was in.  Everything we do effects the future no matter what.

In the past I was never treated right.  I think about the things I was put through and I wonder how I made it through and how I could possibly be willing to give my heart to someone else.  Maybe it’s my Idealist personality that believed I would be treated the way I deserved sometime.  I cannot tell you how bad I wanted to find someone that fit the “profile” of what I thought would be my dream guy. 

Last night while I was laying with Tom watching the Steeler game at Sean’s house, I realized all the pain and heartache I have been though makes me appreciate him more.  I want to do everything I can to make him feel appreciated and not take him for granted.  In all honesty I have never been treated as good as Tom treats me.  I have never felt so special and “luffed” as I do when I am with him, well even when I’m not.  The past hurts were worth it to have someone so wonderful and so special in my life.  I see why I needed to go through the hardships and pains that I have in other relationships.  If I wasn’t treated so badly, I wonder would I appreciate Tom as much as I do?  Would I notice the little things as much as I do?   The way he looks at me makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world…I’ve never had that.

Looking back on the past I realize now how important it is to accept the bad that has happened in life and not forget about it.  I know I am never going to forget the difficult times in my life.  They have made me a better person and taught me to appreciate the little things in life.  Its the little things, the simple things in any aspect of life, not just a relationship that matters.