Being Crazy

One of my favorite authors is Paulo Coelho.  He writes a lot of philosophical novels with one basic theme each novel.  Many even deal with things he experienced in his own life; he puts himself into his writing. Maybe that’s why I like him so much.  Right now I am reading his novel Veronika Decides to Die.  The theme in this one is Redemption.  Right now she is realizing things in her life that are worth living for.  She is discovering herself after she finds out she only has days to live, shortly after she tries to commit suicide.  Yes, after she tries she decides to live after being told she is dying of heart problems.

One of the first things she asks is “what does it mean to be crazy?”  I think that is a question we all ask ourselves sometimes.  What does it mean to be crazy?  Who is to say what crazy is?  I think it is a matter of opinion.  One person might say something and another person would say something completely different.  No one really knows what normal and crazy.  I could consider myself completely and totally normal but someone looking in could call me crazy or even insane.  Who is to say what that is.  What makes a person categorized as crazy?  What kind of test tells you that?  What kind of test measures the level of insanity a person may or may not have?

Sometimes people try so hard to be normal and not considered crazy, that they become boring and just like everyone else.  I like being different, some people think I am crazy but I think I am normal.  I am normal because this is the way God made me.  Sure there are things wrong, sure I have faults what human being doesn’t?  That doesn’t make me or anyone else crazy.  So…let your inner crazy out.

Self thanks

So I know last week I was trying to think of something to do for this week’s weekly thanks, and it took me a little while to think of something but I figured one out.  Some of you know I have been a little depressed and down on myself lately.  So I think something I need to do is to look inward and take a good look at the things about myself that I am thankful for.  The good things about me instead of the so called bad things that I seem to be focusing on.

I am thankful that I am loyal to my friends and family.  They can depend on me for a variety of things and I am thankful that they can.  I am thankful that I have a sense of humor.  I may not have funny comments or act funny all the time, but there are times when I do and I can laugh at almost anything.  Thankful that I am intelligent and it’s not what i know or my talents but its being smart enough to learn from mistakes, take critisism, and to know how to utilize the knowledge I do have.  I am thankful that I have goals that I am always trying to achieve and work hard to get to be where I am today and want to be in the future.  I am thankful for myself.  For being strong enough to fight through so many hardships and grow into the woman I am.

Sitting here trying to think of things about myself that I am thankful for was difficult.  I think I have a hard time finding the good because I have thought for so long that there was nothing worth giving thanks for, but I realize and know how wrong that is.  I should be thankful for so many things.  I don’t know why it took me so long to just sit and think about what I am thankful for within myself.  I think it is a good thing to do from time to time to keep myself in check.

Renewed Faith

I know yesterday I talked about the downfalls I seen in students I have subbed for.  While some students do frustrate me and make me wonder what is becoming of our youth. But I saw and heard something yesterday morning that helped keep the hope that kids aren’t doomed to act the way some of my students have been acting.

Yesterday in one of the first classes that I had there was a young man talking to his friends.  Now this wasn’t any ordinary talking to them, he was having a very serious conversation with the girls.  He was telling them about Jesus.  An 8th grader witnessing to his friends about how Jesus came to earth and then he told them about his church and a survival camp they went on.  Then at the end of the conversation, he prayed with them!  He openly prayed in the class.  I barely know the kid, first time I have met him and I was proud of him to have that courage to sit there and talk about God and Jesus like it was part of everyday conversation.

How many of us adults can say that we make that a habit?  Or that talking about God and Jesus to our friends comes that naturally or willing to be that open with people about our faith to pray openly with them and for them?  Why do we find it so hard when a boy, just a babe, finds it so easy?  Perhaps that ties in with Jesus saying we should be like children, their innocence and ability to share their faith and display it and not be ashamed to say “What did I do this weekend?  Well I went camping with my church wanna hear about it?”  Why can’t we say “oh I watched the football game with my church family and it was amazing, you should come next time.”  What I saw gave me hope, and encourages me to be more like a child in my enthusiasm for my faith.

Students

Last week I read an article online about a teacher who blogged things about her students.  Sometimes good things, but most of the time not so good things like that they are slackers, losers, unmotivated and that she wanted to say things like “the garbage company called and they are hiring.”   While I do agree with some critics that say that is inappropriate and she shouldn’t blog those things for the students to read.  But I understand her frustrations.  If the students today treat teachers half as well as I have been treated as a sub, I’m worried about today’s youth.

Kids don’t seem to care anymore.  When I was younger whenever a sub said the assignment the teacher left was graded or was a test.  We didn’t play around we did it and we did our very best.  Today….the kids talk, cheat (they don’t even hide it very well anymore) walk around, and give the sub (or in some cases teacher) an attitude when we tell them what they need to do.  Or even like today, call us inappropriate names.  Even as I write this I can hear a girl yelling and talking back to a teacher not a sub.  What makes kids think it is okay to treat teachers with disrespect?

Just 10 years ago we never thought about talking back to a sub let a lone a teacher.  Once we were told to put something away or do something we did it.  When they said do I need to write you up or send you to the office the answer was “No m’am, I’m sorry”  today it’s “I don’t care.”  Why is it that kids don’t care about their future anymore?  I remember I wanted to do everything I needed to stay out of trouble so I could get the grades I needed to get into college, yes in 8th grade I was already thinking about college and caring, so did many of my friends.  What happened that kids don’t care anymore?

Differences

Melissa and I were talking today about the “joys” of living with a man.  Now Tom and I have been living together for about a month now and yes I love living with him, but like Melissa and I were saying there are definitely differences between the male and female genders.  I mean for one, I have a laundry basket for my dirty clothes, for a while Tom was tossing his on a pile until I told him to do something with them.

I realized that while we are in-sync with a lot of things there are things we do differently.  Not bad, just different.  Small things like doing the dishes, cat litter, cooking, even folding our laundry.  I know it sounds silly but I like that we do things differently and work together despite the differences our genders do have.  Melissa and I spend time just talking about the “joys” of living with a man, whether we get frustrated with them or not.

I absolutely love living with the man I love and I enjoy learning new things about not just Tom but myself as well.  This is an environment that I wasn’t really ever in.  Sure I had roommates in college but that was different than it is now.  There is a bunch of different things I am learning about myself that I will write about later.  But the main thing is that despite the differences in things, and in the type of people we are everything is working wonderfully.  We are finding ways to deal with our differences and are working as a team and that is the point isn’t it?

Special Thanks

I keep doing weekly thanks and its starting to get harder to think of specific things to be thankful for like spending that time to give thanks to specific people.  Today will be the last specific person for a little while, but I will do more of those because I think it is important.  But for next week I will have to think of something different to theme my thanks post on. Any ideas?

This week my weekly thanks is for a person who has been there for a lot of things even if he wasn’t able to be there physically.  Terry, we met online and have been friends for several years now and are close, but busy lives cause for lack of communication that I do miss and will try to get back when things settle.  Terry has been my best guy friend for a while.  I know I can go to him with anything and know he can come to me with anything and we would be brutally honest with each other.  I realize sometimes the things I say may have hurt him and in the future I could hurt him more (Im human there will never be a time when I dont hurt the people closest to me).  But one thing I want Terry to know is he means a great deal to me.

I thank him for all the late nights just BSing on WoW whether it be playing hide and seek or just killing things while we talked about the things going on in our lives.  I thank him for the love and loyalty he’s shown, not many online friends are as loyal as Terry and I know sometime in the NEAR future we will meet someway somehow.  I am thankful for his cookiness and love for the Labyrinth that I share.  Thankful for the nights we played Literati til we couldn’t think straight.

We have had our differences, but our friendship remains true and strong.  I know lately I havent been around to chat as much, but I want him to know is that will change soon.  I am determined to bring back our talks and game play.  There isn’t anything about Terry that I am not thankful for, Im thankful for and love everything about him because that is what makes Terry such a wonderful person and friend.  Thank You Terry for inside jokes, understanding no else has and so much more.  I just think you needed to “hear” that.

Romance Novels

This week I am reading Night Play by Sherrilynn Kenyon, one of my favorite paranormal romance authors.  While I was reading it (almost done) I got to thinking about how most romance novels depict the male lead (and supporting characters) as charming, handsome; gorgeous, sometimes mysterious beings, irresitable and so much more.  While I was reading I got to thinking are these men more than the men in our lives?  Really?  Is this what we want them to do be, act, and think?

While I reading some of the passages in the novel I kept thinking about Tom (no not the naughty scenes).  Some of the mannerisms of Vane reminded me of some mannerisms Tom has.  Like going to wipe a tear from my eye and ending up poking me.  The men in our lives aren’t “perfect” by far, no person is perfect.  But they are perfect for us.  I see Tom and all I can think is how perfect he is for me.  How could I want someone who is not the man I love?  Or even fantasize about someone else?

Sometimes I think sure romance novels give us something to “think about” or enjoy reading cause some of them do involve the relationship aspect of romance.  But on the other hand it hinders us because it creates an unrealistic idea of men and what the “perfect” man is.  To each woman her perfect man is different just like to each man his perfect dream woman is different from anothers.  Maybe we should stop reading the novels and try to create our own romance story.

Failing

I am still feeling a little down on myself.  It seems to me that I keep doing things wrong or making stupid mistakes and it keeps bugging me and making me feel like I am failing.  I mean I was once told I was unmarriable because I struggled a little bit with finances.  What if because I still struggle a little bit that Tom will begin to think the same thing? Would Tom decide that I’m not worth the hassle; that my love isn’t worth it?

It’s like everything I try to do I fail at or somehow mess up in one way or another.  What if I never succeed at what I set out to do?  What if I cannot become the person I want to be and be the woman I want to be for Tom?  I’m afraid that one day he will wake up and decide that I am struggling with some bills and the way the school board  is being lately.  They didn’t do my change of address or my direct deposit yet, or at least I don’t think they did.  But nevertheless.  If one person thought I was unmarriable because of my failures and shortcomings.  What if Tom feels the same?

I admit I do want to marry Tom.  I want to be his little wifey, so sometimes I worry that I might not be enough to make him happy and then things like this happen and my fears increase and I keep remembering that I have always been the reason for relationships ending…unmarriable, immature, not loving enough…etc.  A part of me fears that it will happen again.  That no matter how much I love Tom and try to do everything to be a good girlfriend and hopefully future wife, I won’t measure up.  I won’t be good enough.

Friday Thanks

So I know lately I have been doing a weekly thanks based on people, but I am going to steer from that for this week.  I’m still giving thanks to a person, but more than one person.  The entire military.  For so many  years (yes I lost track) we have been fighting and having troops in Iraq, Afghanistan and where ever else for one reason or another.  Many of them have missed important holidays with loved ones, missed milestones in their children’s lives and sometimes I don’t think we give them enough thanks and honor.

I know there are a lot of people who would consider celebrities like Adam Sandler, Drew Berrymore, Johnny Depp (of course) or athletes such as Big Ben, or Aaron Rodgers, Sidney Crosby, ARod.  Sure they have good qualities in them but are the really heroes?  Are they risking their lives daily to make sure that our lives are safe?  Or following the orders of someone that everyone may not agree with?  We all know not everyone includeing military personnel agree with the US have troops overseas, but they still go when called.

One of my close friends is in the Army and has been overseas numerous times (again I lost track) and he goes willingly each time saying it was his duty as a soldier and as a child of God to serve his country the best he can.  I want to give all our military a big thanks.  Without them who knows where we would be.

Kids

The school I have been at this week is one that I have been at before.  I love the teachers, administration and some of the kids (4th –5th graders can get on my nerves).  Because I have been there so much already the kids keep getting excited when they see me.  Alot want hugs, some yell my name “Ms Weiss, Ms W…or my favorite Ms White and Ms Rice” Oh I cannot forget “Ms Pretty.”  (hehe).  It’s a great feeling to have kids excited when they see you and hoping that you are in their class.

Sometimes with every job or any interaction with kids, you have favorites.  As a TSS I had a favorite: SB.  As a sub its no different I have a few favorites at the school.  But there is one little kid that makes me laugh every time I am there: Tyrone.  Hes in second grade and keeps telling me he i sin love with me.  Keeps calling me Ms. Pretty or Ms. Beautiful.  At one point he rubbed my belly saying “rub your belly to make you love me” hehe.  Today Tom was in their class and I helped out until I got my schedule for the day.  Tyrone did not like it.  He kept telling Tom he was keeping his eye on him and somewhat hissing at him it was funny.

Kids have an innocence about them that is getting lost as the years go by.  Sure we al had crushes on teachers and subs, but not to the point of admitting to being a pimp or at least not to my knowledge.  Kids wanted to actually get into fights, one girl stabbed another child in the EYE with a PENCIL!  How are we getting from the childlike excitement to see a favorite substitute to getting the thought in their head to stab another classmate in the eye, or cuss at each other.  We had to write up kids 2nd graders for swearing!  I didn’t know even 1 swear word until I was in at least 4th grade when my friends said them but even then i didn’t say them.  I love my job, but alittle sad at what is happening to our kids.

Feeling Down

Lately I have been feeling a little down and depressed.  I have to admit it has taken away my motivation to do anything including writing even though I have had a friend tell me he has really enjoyed reading my writing again.  I have been feeling and thinking all of those negative things that I am sure we all deal with at one point or another such as feeling ugly, fat, unable to do things etc.

While I have been feeling down I tried to set goals for myself like that I would get up earlier to work out but I just hit the snooze alarm and hat makes me upset with myself all over.  Its like Im just going in a circle.  So I decided to take baby steps to get myself out of it.  One of course is actually talking about it to the most important person: tom.  I mean if I cannot come to Tom and try to talk to him about how I am feeling now how will I be able to in the future?

I admit telling him how I feel helps and hearing him say the things he says helps.  But I have also decided to almost force myself to do things like writing more, if not on here then in a journal just to get myself writing more and getting thoughts out even if I don’t want other people to read it.  And I admit that writing again really makes me feel better.  Why is it that when we are feeling depressed and down on ourselves that we stop doing all the things we love and almost get no joy out of them?  So I am going to keep doing what I love knowing that I will come through better than ever.

Love Letter

So there was a two hour delay for the Pittsburgh schools today because of the Superbowl.  If the Steelers did in fact win then the parade in town would close off important streets for busses, so two hour delay.  BUT teachers and subs had to be at the school at the same time (855 instead of 1055 for the one I was at).  In that spare time I decided to spend some time and write a few letters to people like my grandma and aunt.  Then I decided to write a good old love letter for Tom.

I wanted him to know what he means to me and how I honestly feel about him.  It could have been longer than it was, but I didn’t want him to spend hours reading it.  I think from time to time we all need to hear what we mean to the people in our lives even if those people are friends, family, or spouse.  Its human nature to want to know that we are loved and sometimes…why someone loves us.  Writing it down and hearing it are two different things and evoke two different responses. Sometimes writing makes it easier to put things into words {I know it was easier to write then speak it}.

I was going to save it for Valentine’s Day but I think I will give it to him later tonight.  I can’t see his response, and really why should I wait until Valentine’s Day to tell the man I love how much he means to me? That should be something I tell him everyday.

Valentine’s Day

I have always thought this day was bogus and hated it every year.  Mainly because I didn’t have someone to share it with and when I did, it was never what I expected it should be.  This year I do have someone to spend it with and I do love him very dearly.  While I want to make the day special and romantic for him; I don’t need one day to do it.  I show my love for Tom everyday in things that I do and say to him.  Sure I might have something planned for him, but I have no expectations of anything more than what we already do to express our love.

Tom doesn’t need to get me flowers or candy or anything to make his love known to me or make me feel special.  He does that every day when he tells me he loves me or when he simply looks at me.  He doesnt need to go to great lengths on Valentine’s Day to show that to me or anyone else.  If you just spend time around us you will see the love we share and the special bond we have created between us.

I love Tom, with all my heart.  I can say that I have never felt as loved and appreciated as I do with him.  Sure Valentine’s Day is a romantic day full of love, but that’s everyday even when we get frustrated and annoyed with each other.  I can still feel the unconditional love he feels for me and I know he can still feel the love I have for him.

Loving Thanks

I know I did this a few weeks ago, but I think sometimes you need to give thanks more than once for someone you are in love with. Tom and I have been together for 5months now, living together for about 3 weeks or so. In that time I have learned so much no only about him but myself as well. Tom is probably one of the most wonderful men I have known and means everything to me. Simply saying I am thankful that God has brought us together just doesn't do justice for it.

Always making me laugh

Being incredibly romantic at random moments

Being calm and keeping me calm when I have an anxiety attack

Understanding my emotional craziness

Telling me everyday that I am beautiful and you love me

Being a complete gentleman

Being dorky at times :D

For teasing me; even though sometimes I don't like it, Im thankful you tease me

Taking care of me i.e making sure I eat or running a hot bath when my muscles cramp

Your incredible intelligence, i love having in depth conversations with you.

Everyday I thank God for bringing you into my life when I least expected it, when I was about to give up. I can honestly say that my life has been changed because I have Tom's love and I love him: my life will never be the same.