Backpack

Several years ago, when I was in my first year of college.  It was about December of 2001 or so.  My friend Heather told me she had the perfect guy for me.  He was sweet and intelligent.  We spoke on the phone a few times and agreed to meet up.  His name was Joe and he was a couple years older than me, I don't exactly remember.  When we were alone he was sweet and told me how sweet I was and all the cute things girls want to hear. Once with his family I was the perfect girlfriend. But when we were with his friends, it was different.  I was invisible.  Soon he began to make stupid jokes, hurtful jokes.  One was about me being a backpack: "the good kind though like a Jansport."  All because when we were together I liked to hold his hand or sit beside him when out to dinner.  He soon became a jerk; borderline abusive.  He was my first abusive relationship.  The first guy to make me feel terrible about myself and wish I was someone else.  First one to cause me to really second guess myself.

When I actually think back to when most of my insecurities began (despite the daddy issues I also have) I come back to this.   He was my first "boyfriend" so to speak if you can really call him that because we only went out when he wanted to, when it was convenient for him.  I wasn't good enough for anything else other than a girl that was there when he needed one.  I didn't see it at the time and I don't know why I didn't .  Maybe  I didn't want to think that he wasn't all that into me, that he was just using me for whatever weird purpose.

The Zahir

I recently read a book called "The Zahir" by Paulo Coehlo, one of my favorite authors.  Within it the author talked about getting rid of past stories in order for the energy of love to flow through our lives.  We hold on to a lot of things in our past and the in turn effects our present day lives and relationships.  In the novel he talks about how daily life and our past stories interrupt the path of love.  Soon conversations become "wait til tomorrow" things were something is always more important than the conversations of our loved ones.

There are things in life that we become obsessed with and those things overrule our lives.  I know for my self there are things that rule my life even though they happened in the past.  Things I wish I could get out of my mind and out of my life.  I wonder if as Coelho said in his book if I tell my stories enough and get them out of my system, my life then love would flow through better and easier.  I would understand love and life in a different facet than I already do because I am still holding onto those pains and stories of the past regardless of whether the stories are good or bad.  How can I move forward if I am still holding on to those things?  How if y past faults and insecurities are still ruling my life?

I think I am going to attempt to tell my story and open the door for the energy of love to flow and for me to understand love on a different level.  I want to see if Coelho is correct and I can get rid of the Zahir in my life and be able to focus my energy and properly love Tom without my past coming back to haunt me and mess with my mind.

Sun Swim

Next week one of the stores down here is doing a cancer event called Sun Swim, Athletes for Cancer and I volunteered to help out.  The coordinator Sensi asked me if I would be willing to give my story to the crowd that comes which of course I would be honored to do.  So I am sitting here at the bead shop thinking back, remembering and writing down things I want to say and honestly I don't know what to say.  How can you describe something to people that they don't experience?  How do you tell them about something that is different for every person?  I am finding that writing about my experience with cancer is one of the hardest things for me to do and I am not sure why.  I just cannot seem to put it all into words that I like how it sounds.  I think I am just going to say something along those lines.  That you cannot describe something to people like that but I will try and then tell them about the diagnosis and stuff.

Home

We have been back to the island for about 4 or five days now, and it honestly feels like we have never left.  Today I was driving to a different village and it just felt like something I do every day.  The way of life is more relaxed and carefree.  I do miss a lot of people back home in Pittsburgh, but I feel more motivation and happiness here.  Back in Pittsburgh, sure I was happy, but at the same time I was miserable with stress and uncertainty.  Yes we still have bills while we are down here, sure we have stress due to various circumstances, but it isn't as bad or unbearable as it is in Pittsburgh.   We both thought about moving to Wilmington for various different reasons and I wonder if the feel there would be the same as Pittsburgh.  How does one know where they are meant to live and be happy?  Trial and error?

While I am here on the island surrounded by water, I feel as if I am where I need to be, or at least close.  I know I am happiest when I am near water, and sadly the three rivers aren't cutting it for me, I need something more.  Maybe that was why I was willing to move to California for Jacob even though I knew I wouldn't be happy, or to Myrtle Beach with Nate.  Maybe those desires have lead up to this point of me wanting something more from where I live, some where that I would be at my happiest and not just going through the motions of daily life.  Moving to a different city is a tough decision let alone moving to a different state.  It is a decision that would not only affect me, but also Tom.  One that should not be taken lightly or make without thinking it through.   It is something that could change our lives forever, with no going back.

Life here on the island is more simplistic in numerous different ways, and I wonder if it would be the same if we lived in Wilmington, if not would we be able to transfer the simplicity to life in the city, wherever that city may be.  We will see what time will tell.  But I am loving life right now.

Love Is Patient

I bought the Love Dare today and decided that I am going to go yesterday and do the dares that are in it.  It is supposed to be an aid to help couples love each other better and follow what 1 Corinthians says about love.  I am at Day 1 for the dares and so far it already has me thinking about somethings.  Today's dare is to not say anything negative. As I read the dare I couldn't help but wonder how often do we simply say something negative to the one we love.   When we work to not say anything negative we work to say something positive and therefore the love in our hearts will be reflected.  We have a choice to be positive instead of negative.  We can choose the words that we speak.

Saying something negative especially out of anger diminishes love and stifles it,it doesn't allow love to grow in a natural way.  The Bible says "he who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick tempered exalts folly" Proverbs 14:29.  Today's dare is based on Love is Patient, when we are patient we are slow to anger and therefore slow to say something negative; something we would regret.  When we quick to anger in a situation we say things we don't even think about, things we end up regretting later.  Being patient and slow to anger show mercy and love.  We aren't judging or condemning.  We need to remember that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes; even our spouses.  Being patients helps us understand that and be able to forgive them of their faults.  It allows our spouses to be human and make amends.  Being patient during the small things allow patience during the hard times and bring us closer together rather than pulling us apart.

The author of the "Love Dare" states that patience is "a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing  your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil."  Patience is a choice to control our emotions which in turn allows us to control what is coming out of our mouths.  Today I am making a conscientious choice to think about the words that I say to Tom.  Are the positive or negative?  Am I allowing my emotions to control me, and how I handle things or do I have control over my emotions?   Saying something negative takes the understanding and affection out of a loving and patient relationship.  I know it will be a challenge to not say anything negative and to allow patience to rule instead of anger, but I am willing to work on it and become a better loving person because of it.

Something More

I stated before that I really wanted to move down to the island.  Spend my days as a beach mama because there is a sense if relaxation and simpliciry, whereas in the city its all chaos and stress.   I can see why my cousin just picks up and spends a few days in Myrtle Beach,  though I prefer OBX.

I was thinking and talking to Tom earlier today, I think my desire to move here is partly that I dont want to live in Pittsburgh, possi.cbly not even Pennsylvania.  Ive never really wanted to stay in there.  The tri-village on Hatteras Island has been the first place outside of Pennsylvania that I actually could see myself living and raising a family.

A downfall to that though is the job market is non existant in the  winter months, so what would we do for a job.  Im going to begin saving money and doing what I can to earn a few extra dollars to save.  Tom mentioned a few other pllaces we could look at like Wilmington, Nc which is close enough to the island.  We shall see what the future holds.

Thinking

The past week or so I have been doing a lot of thinking about my future in various forms.  Mainly though it has been where I will spend the rest of my life.  Do I really want to stay in Pittsburgh, or is somewhere else calling my name.   I have been considering living on the island.

There are a lot of factors that go into the decision to move here or stay in Pittsburgh.  Right now all Pittsburgh has that is drawing me is my friends and family.  I know I am more stressed out in the city, there is a simpler way if life down on the island, more relaxed and as I said simplified.  Sure there arw concerns like the hurricanes.  But it alnost becomes a way if life.

I know tom and I are both happier.  Once we got here for the weekend the way we look at each is different, there is more love.  We actually fell asleep cuddling last night.   I wonder if living here would not only change our lives but our relationship.   The more I think of it, the more I want to move here permanently.  Ive been told it would easy for me to find a good job,  possibly even as special ed teacher.

Im going to look into jobs around here just at the possibilities.  And of course discuss with Tom, but we shall see.

Happy thoughts

One of the things I am working on with my client is coping skills for bring frustration and anger.  What we are doing is showing him a stop sign to help to stop and think of things that make him happy.   In the process I tell him some of my happy thoughts.

Sitting there talking about things that make him happy, makes me really think of tge things that make me happy on a daily basis.  While I am doing this I think hard on those things like Falcor laying his head on my lap anc meowing for me to pet him.  Its small but it really makes me smile.  I think about being able to come home to someone I love and see his smiling face.

When I spent this time, about 15 minutes I feel better.  I feel happier, even if my day was sheer crappiness.  I think that spending time everyday really thinking about something that makess me happy helps improve my line of thought.  It makes me focus on happier thoughts, even after I leave my clients.

Maybe I should make it a habit to focus on things that makd me happy more often, then maybe just maybe I could be free of this depression stuff.

Growl

SO lately I have been trying really hard to show Tom that I love him and have asked him to spend time with me and the such. When he comes downstairs he has his ipod in his ear and I can't really talk to him because he is listening to an audio book. I am at a loss of what to do. I made a very yummy dinner this evening and he sat long enough to eat then went back upstairs to his computer. I am wondering if he would rather spend time with him computer than me.

I know we live together and we do a lot of things together, but I am lonely when I sit downstairs watching television

Work Rant

There are things at every job that get on our nerves, things that make your skin crawl and wonder why some people do the jobs that they are doing. I ccannot really go into too much details about some of the things that happen at work because of confidentiality of my job. But most of you know that I work with children of various ages, and I simply love it. Even if there are days when I think I cannot continue to do it. But regardless, one of the things that annoys me and drives me insane is the people who are supposed to have the best interest of the child at heart, don't actually have it. There are people who have their own agenda and don't care who gets stepped on in the process even if it is a small child.

I have teachers who don't really teach and expect the kdis to know things when in reality there is no way they would know it. And when they do do something to "teach" the kids it is basically "here is a word, write it" when the kids don't even know how to write yet. Punishment and reward systems are a joke and not consistant. I have seen parents who walk away and basically let me "baby sit" their child when in reality I am an avocate and supposed to be showing these parents how to "listen" to their child's wants and needs. How can I accomplish that when the parent is sitting on their butt watching TV or talking on the phone when I am there?

I am glad one of my families is amazing. They honestly show what is important to them and fight for their son's rights and things he deserves. They are interested in my opinion and what I think would help their son improve in some of the skills that he is lacking. They listen to what I have to say and what their son says even if he isn't saying it the words we are normally used to saying. They learn and try to learn how to speak the language their son does because of his disability. They help me see why I do the job that I do. Why my heart is in this line of work in the first place. I just pray I can make as big a difference in my other client's life as I am in my other client's.

Thanks To Daddy

Lately I have been really thinking about things I am thankful and there are so many things that I tend to take for granted. People I take for granted and sometimes I think I need to just stop and acknowledge that I am thankful for them. I heard a song the other day on Pandora called "He Didn't Have To Be" and the gist of it was about a man who took on the role of being a father to a child who was not his. He became a dad when he didn't have to be. That song made me think of my dad. Some people know that he is not my biological father, but regardless of whose genetics I have; he is my father. Daddy married my mom when my brother and I were entering our teen years, so if you can picture two teen kids who didn't get along. What man would want to take that on? My dad did and he loves us as his own. In my opinion he has always been my dad, we just didn't know it at the time.

This man has been there for every heartache, every crisis no matter how big or how small. When I was diagnosed with cancer he would come home from work and take me to my treatments. He wanted to take me to all my treatments because that was his way of helping me get better when they both felt helpless. When I had my heart broken and didn't have someone for Valentine's Day, he would buy me a rose and tell me any guy would be lucky to have me and the guys who hurt me were just foolish. He is proud of the job I have that he tells everyone he meets that his daughter works with kids. He looks forward to walking down the isle and our daddy daughter dance. This man knows everything about me from who my best friend is and my favorite color to all my fears and weakness. The man I call my Dad is a man who was strong enough and kind enough to become a father he didn't have to be.

I honestly feel blessed and thank God everyday for the man I call my Dad. I am proud to say he is my daddy and smile everytime someone says I look like him. Although my genetics aren't his nor is my last name, but in my heart which is all that matters I am the daughter of Wayne Sutch and I couldn't be happier. Thank you for everything and being the dad you didn't have to be.

Loneliness

.I heard someone talking about Samson. He had an interesting thought about it, Samson may not have been distracted by Delilahs beauty but was simply lonely. The gentlenan said we all do stupid things when we're lonely, and I think he is more than right. How many times have we all done something beyond stupid simply because we are lonely? Those relationships where we look back and wonder what the heck was I thinking!? We do things are completely stupid when we are lonely but we don't even realize how stupid it is until after it has ended.

In the story of Samson he risk everything he had and the thing that made him who he was for a woman, or was it because he was lonely? How many times have we given up something that made us who we are, even given up everything that we are simply because we were lonely and wanted to be with someone? I know women who keep their eyes open for the next guy because they do not want to be alone in case something happens with the relationship they are in. Lonliness is a tricky little sucker and causes us to do things we normally wouldn't do.

I know I have put myself into situations that were not good for me in the past simply because I was lonely. There were times when I could have been harmed seriously but I didn't see it because I was lonely at the time. I am not sure why lonliness has that effect on us, but then why does anything have the effect it does on us?

Anniversary

Yesterday was mine and Tom's 1 and a half year anniversary. I keep thinking about our first date and how amazing it was and how our life together just keeps getting better. While we do have a hard time while some aspects of life but we still work together and make it through everything thrown at us. We share in things we enjoy and learn more about each other each day. He has taught me a lot about myself and love. Tom and I have a great relationship and I thank God I found him. I don't know where I would be without him in my life. I wonder would I have the courage to go back to school? Would I have begun looking for a better job, a better life?

The past year and a half has been amazing. We have learned to love each other in various ways. We learned how to appreciate each other and enjoy our time together. We have learned to appreciate the time we share and know when to laugh and when to let things go. We share communications and work hard to discuss issues instead of arguing. I look forward to our time together and where we will be in a few years. I know we have a great future ahead of us and I couldn't be happier.

Car Accident

I was in a car accident Tuesday and it was pretty scary. It was my first car accident. Another car flew out in front of me so of course I stopped to avoid an accident, but the car behind me did not. He slammed into my car and I hit my head on the head rest. After I went to the office to do an incident report I went to the hospital because my head hurt and Tom and my bosses wanted me to get checked out. I had whiplash for a couple of days; the first day after the accident it was worse. Now I have to go through the whole process of talking to the insurance agencies and all that.

The past few days I have noticed that I have been driving more carefully. I've been scared to drive more now because I'm afraid Ill get hit again, and possibly worse. I am constantly looking at the other drivers worried that they are too close to my car. I worry about the other cars being to close and forget the mack trucks. I was always afraid of them and now it's worse. I'm scared they are too close or that they might try to change lanes while I am still beside them.

I am happy that I wasn't hurt more or that the car was not damaged more than it was, but I wish I wasn't scared like I a. Hopefully it will go away soon. Its not like I am going to be in an accident every single day, I pray I wouldn't be. At least I am driving safer now.

Loving Notes

I decided I am going to do something on a daily basis to help express my love for Tom. I think I am going to start leaving him notes to tell him I love him or other random things like "I am thankful for you" or even "you are special to me" I think leaving little notes telling him these things will help keep our live alive. I don't want to be one of those couples that have a love that dies out and become comfortable in our relationship. I am not saying a lot of couples have that or that it happens a lot. But I don't want us to have the thought that because we are spending our life together therefore we don't have to express our love the way we did when we first began dating. If anything being together for the rest of our lives is all the more reason to show our love the same way.

So I am leaving him these little notes randomly. I started it as everyday but now I am making it randomly so he isn't expecting to find a love note in his lunch box everyday or one sitting at his computer everyday to come home to. I think I am going to leave them in random spots for him to find, I just need to think of where I can leave them. This way I can get creative in ways that I can tell him I love him other than simply saying "I love you." Since I began this I have noticed that we smile at each other more. We hug more often and he has been saying he loves me more often. I like the result that I got so far, so I am going to continue it. I also am trying to find my mom's copy of the Love Dare, if I cannot find it then I might have to buy it myself so I can take that challenge. Or maybe I will come up with my own challenge and get creative with it. We shall see.

But the idea of this is making a point and working hard to show the man I love that I indeed love him and only him. He needs to know that at all times and understand that he makes me happy and no one else will have the effect on me that he does. I am eager to see how things will change.

Thankfulness

Yesterday I was working with one of my clients and we were discussing feelings and how we act to different feelings like how we act when we are happy or excite and then how we act when we are sad or angry. One of the things that we talked about is being thankful and what we are thankful for in our lives. He had a hard time coming up with some things that he was thankful for in his life and that really got me thinking. Sometimes we do have a hard time thinking about the things in life that we are thankful for. Its almost as if we are unsure if we are thankful for certain things. Other things we just take for granted and don't even think about when it comes to being thankful for them.

It's almost like what are the daily things in life that we experience that we take for granted. What are things that people do for us that we don't even think about being thankful for. Even when we do realize what we could be thankful for we have a hard time expressing that we are thankful for these things. How often do we tell our moms we are thankful for the things they do for us, or tell dad we are thankful he fixed the car or whatever. How often do we come home and tell our spouse thank you for cooking dinner, taking out the trash, or doing a load of laundry. How often do kids hear thank you for doing chores or anything they do? I think we need to hear and say thank you for things more often. We should tell people we appreciate them and are thankful for not only the things that they do, but also for them as the people they are.

Give it a try, tell at least 2 people a day you are thankful for them,I know I am going to take the Thankfulness challenge starting by thanking you my readers.

Sunsets

I have always been a fan of sunsets and sometimes I just don't have words for what I am thinking or feeling and just seeing a sunset seems to simply relax me. This summer was great because of the amazing sunsets I got to witness. Kept me calm and at peace. Here are s
ome of my pictures. Enjoy!

There is nothing like sitting and watching the sun setting. I used to sit on the dock of the sound or sit on the porch to Kitty Hawk Kites just watching as the sun setting on the day. It was a beautiful end to my days and helped me sleep better at night.

Thank You Love

In a few days it will be Valentine's Day. While I normally do not make a big deal out of Valentine's day, but I think for my thankfulness post I will give thanks for my wonderful boyfriend. There are so many different things about Tom that I am thankful and there are times when I wonder if he knows how much he means to me and how I am really thankful for. There are so many different things that I have in my relationship with Tom that I did not have in any other relationship in the past.

The other night on the way home we talked about things in our past. Things that i didn't really share with anyone before and I am thankful that I am able to talk to him about these things. Not to mention that he is able to talk to me about these things. It felt like a weight being lifted off my chest and I am glad I have that ability with Tom. I am thankful I can turn to him for anything and everything that I need to talk about no matter how small or how big. I know he is always there for me and I appreciate that.

I am thankful that he treats me with respect and doesn't treat me as if I am beneath him. I am thankful for everything that Tom is and how wonderful he is to me. Tom is one of the best people in my life and I thank God for him everyday. I think I need to let him know that more often. Who are you thankful for?

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day. Oh what a day that is. It's a day a lot of couples spend together showing each other they love them. Sweet idea right? Spend the day together showing you how much you love each other. But why does it have to be 1 day a year? Shouldn't we be showing each other we love every day? I know some people find it hard to show their loved ones they love them on a daily basis. Or that some people think life is too hectic and too busy to put "work" into their relationship, so the Valentine's Day is a good day for them, or maybe not.

In my eyes, I do everything I can to show Tom how much I love him and that he means the world to m, every day. The little things that I do help show I love him, the things I say show I love him. I don't need a special holiday to help me show him or prove to him what he means to me. I know some people don't see it the same way I do, or think of the holiday the same way I do. But to me it's all about the advertising and spending money going to dinner, buying cards, and gifts. Some girls expect extravagant gifts, but then don't return the expectation. It seems the holiday has become something to lavish girls with gifts, which is something I don't agree with.

I know there are times when i challenge myself to do things that show Tom I love him and work to make sure he knows I love him. Isn't that something we all should be doing instead of waiting for a holiday to do that? I have always disliked the holiday, and now that I have someone wonderful to be with for the holiday, I still dislike it very much. It makes no sense to me.

I Deserve

There are things in life that we deserve and ways we deserve to be treated and everything else. For the longest time I heard "You deserve better." or "You deserve to be treated better." I have always thought about what I deserved and wondered why people knew what The more I though about it and still think about it, I see more and more things that I do deserve. Sometimes I think we have a hard time realizing what we deserve because we tend to think less of ourselves than the people around us.

What is it that we deserve in life and honestly do we know what we deserve or do we think we deserve things. I'm a good person so does that mean I deserve good things to happen, and don't deserve anything bad? Or could it be that I deserve some bad things so that I may be able to learn and grow into a better person? What does it really mean to deserve something? Does how we live our life dictate what we deserve and don't deserve? How is something like that determined and at the same time who determines it?

I don't know about all that, but what I do know is there are some things that I deserve. I deserve to be happy and live a happy life. I deserve to have a wonderful boyfriend and family in my life.