Backpack

Several years ago, when I was in my first year of college.  It was about December of 2001 or so.  My friend Heather told me she had the perfect guy for me.  He was sweet and intelligent.  We spoke on the phone a few times and agreed to meet up.  His name was Joe and he was a couple years older than me, I don't exactly remember.  When we were alone he was sweet and told me how sweet I was and all the cute things girls want to hear. Once with his family I was the perfect girlfriend. But when we were with his friends, it was different.  I was invisible.  Soon he began to make stupid jokes, hurtful jokes.  One was about me being a backpack: "the good kind though like a Jansport."  All because when we were together I liked to hold his hand or sit beside him when out to dinner.  He soon became a jerk; borderline abusive.  He was my first abusive relationship.  The first guy to make me feel terrible about myself and wish I was someone else.  First one to cause me to really second guess myself.

When I actually think back to when most of my insecurities began (despite the daddy issues I also have) I come back to this.   He was my first "boyfriend" so to speak if you can really call him that because we only went out when he wanted to, when it was convenient for him.  I wasn't good enough for anything else other than a girl that was there when he needed one.  I didn't see it at the time and I don't know why I didn't .  Maybe  I didn't want to think that he wasn't all that into me, that he was just using me for whatever weird purpose.