Last night I found out that my birth father passed away. It has been over 14 years since I have heard or seen from him or anyone from his family. Other than one random experience the time frame is much longer. Throughout my life he was a ghost, non-existent. I realize I have abandonment issues because he was never there, every child needs their father there for them. Until I was 13 or 14 I never honestly had a father until my mom married the man I call Daddy.
Last night all the old wounds resurfaced and I cried. Cried away my pain, my past, my hurt. Letting it all go because I will never have the ability to confront him and tell him all the pain he caused and let him know how he hurt me and the damaged he caused all those years ago. I do not want to care that he died. But I do. Its always sad when someone dies, but I never thought his death would effect me as much as it is.
I kept thinking what if I have half siblings? Shouldn’t we have the chance to get to know each other or would they be like him? Why after all these years of hearing nothing does his family think it is so important we are there? Where were they all when I had cancer or when my brother was dealing with all of his heart problems? No where. Everything that deals with them in my life has been nothing but heartache and pain. I understand he was my father and there is that part of me that still wanted to know him, but at the same time he was never the father I needed.
There is so much pain that it’s hard to get it all out. I am not going to the funeral, one because I don’t consider him my father any more. and secondly because I don’t think that I could handle it emotionally. It could potentially destroy me, so Im being smart and not put myself in that situation. In time it will get easier to let go because I have no other choice. Why hang on to pain? why was I for all this time?
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