Loneliness

.I heard someone talking about Samson. He had an interesting thought about it, Samson may not have been distracted by Delilahs beauty but was simply lonely. The gentlenan said we all do stupid things when we're lonely, and I think he is more than right. How many times have we all done something beyond stupid simply because we are lonely? Those relationships where we look back and wonder what the heck was I thinking!? We do things are completely stupid when we are lonely but we don't even realize how stupid it is until after it has ended.

In the story of Samson he risk everything he had and the thing that made him who he was for a woman, or was it because he was lonely? How many times have we given up something that made us who we are, even given up everything that we are simply because we were lonely and wanted to be with someone? I know women who keep their eyes open for the next guy because they do not want to be alone in case something happens with the relationship they are in. Lonliness is a tricky little sucker and causes us to do things we normally wouldn't do.

I know I have put myself into situations that were not good for me in the past simply because I was lonely. There were times when I could have been harmed seriously but I didn't see it because I was lonely at the time. I am not sure why lonliness has that effect on us, but then why does anything have the effect it does on us?

Anniversary

Yesterday was mine and Tom's 1 and a half year anniversary. I keep thinking about our first date and how amazing it was and how our life together just keeps getting better. While we do have a hard time while some aspects of life but we still work together and make it through everything thrown at us. We share in things we enjoy and learn more about each other each day. He has taught me a lot about myself and love. Tom and I have a great relationship and I thank God I found him. I don't know where I would be without him in my life. I wonder would I have the courage to go back to school? Would I have begun looking for a better job, a better life?

The past year and a half has been amazing. We have learned to love each other in various ways. We learned how to appreciate each other and enjoy our time together. We have learned to appreciate the time we share and know when to laugh and when to let things go. We share communications and work hard to discuss issues instead of arguing. I look forward to our time together and where we will be in a few years. I know we have a great future ahead of us and I couldn't be happier.

Car Accident

I was in a car accident Tuesday and it was pretty scary. It was my first car accident. Another car flew out in front of me so of course I stopped to avoid an accident, but the car behind me did not. He slammed into my car and I hit my head on the head rest. After I went to the office to do an incident report I went to the hospital because my head hurt and Tom and my bosses wanted me to get checked out. I had whiplash for a couple of days; the first day after the accident it was worse. Now I have to go through the whole process of talking to the insurance agencies and all that.

The past few days I have noticed that I have been driving more carefully. I've been scared to drive more now because I'm afraid Ill get hit again, and possibly worse. I am constantly looking at the other drivers worried that they are too close to my car. I worry about the other cars being to close and forget the mack trucks. I was always afraid of them and now it's worse. I'm scared they are too close or that they might try to change lanes while I am still beside them.

I am happy that I wasn't hurt more or that the car was not damaged more than it was, but I wish I wasn't scared like I a. Hopefully it will go away soon. Its not like I am going to be in an accident every single day, I pray I wouldn't be. At least I am driving safer now.

Loving Notes

I decided I am going to do something on a daily basis to help express my love for Tom. I think I am going to start leaving him notes to tell him I love him or other random things like "I am thankful for you" or even "you are special to me" I think leaving little notes telling him these things will help keep our live alive. I don't want to be one of those couples that have a love that dies out and become comfortable in our relationship. I am not saying a lot of couples have that or that it happens a lot. But I don't want us to have the thought that because we are spending our life together therefore we don't have to express our love the way we did when we first began dating. If anything being together for the rest of our lives is all the more reason to show our love the same way.

So I am leaving him these little notes randomly. I started it as everyday but now I am making it randomly so he isn't expecting to find a love note in his lunch box everyday or one sitting at his computer everyday to come home to. I think I am going to leave them in random spots for him to find, I just need to think of where I can leave them. This way I can get creative in ways that I can tell him I love him other than simply saying "I love you." Since I began this I have noticed that we smile at each other more. We hug more often and he has been saying he loves me more often. I like the result that I got so far, so I am going to continue it. I also am trying to find my mom's copy of the Love Dare, if I cannot find it then I might have to buy it myself so I can take that challenge. Or maybe I will come up with my own challenge and get creative with it. We shall see.

But the idea of this is making a point and working hard to show the man I love that I indeed love him and only him. He needs to know that at all times and understand that he makes me happy and no one else will have the effect on me that he does. I am eager to see how things will change.

Thankfulness

Yesterday I was working with one of my clients and we were discussing feelings and how we act to different feelings like how we act when we are happy or excite and then how we act when we are sad or angry. One of the things that we talked about is being thankful and what we are thankful for in our lives. He had a hard time coming up with some things that he was thankful for in his life and that really got me thinking. Sometimes we do have a hard time thinking about the things in life that we are thankful for. Its almost as if we are unsure if we are thankful for certain things. Other things we just take for granted and don't even think about when it comes to being thankful for them.

It's almost like what are the daily things in life that we experience that we take for granted. What are things that people do for us that we don't even think about being thankful for. Even when we do realize what we could be thankful for we have a hard time expressing that we are thankful for these things. How often do we tell our moms we are thankful for the things they do for us, or tell dad we are thankful he fixed the car or whatever. How often do we come home and tell our spouse thank you for cooking dinner, taking out the trash, or doing a load of laundry. How often do kids hear thank you for doing chores or anything they do? I think we need to hear and say thank you for things more often. We should tell people we appreciate them and are thankful for not only the things that they do, but also for them as the people they are.

Give it a try, tell at least 2 people a day you are thankful for them,I know I am going to take the Thankfulness challenge starting by thanking you my readers.

Sunsets

I have always been a fan of sunsets and sometimes I just don't have words for what I am thinking or feeling and just seeing a sunset seems to simply relax me. This summer was great because of the amazing sunsets I got to witness. Kept me calm and at peace. Here are s
ome of my pictures. Enjoy!

There is nothing like sitting and watching the sun setting. I used to sit on the dock of the sound or sit on the porch to Kitty Hawk Kites just watching as the sun setting on the day. It was a beautiful end to my days and helped me sleep better at night.

Thank You Love

In a few days it will be Valentine's Day. While I normally do not make a big deal out of Valentine's day, but I think for my thankfulness post I will give thanks for my wonderful boyfriend. There are so many different things about Tom that I am thankful and there are times when I wonder if he knows how much he means to me and how I am really thankful for. There are so many different things that I have in my relationship with Tom that I did not have in any other relationship in the past.

The other night on the way home we talked about things in our past. Things that i didn't really share with anyone before and I am thankful that I am able to talk to him about these things. Not to mention that he is able to talk to me about these things. It felt like a weight being lifted off my chest and I am glad I have that ability with Tom. I am thankful I can turn to him for anything and everything that I need to talk about no matter how small or how big. I know he is always there for me and I appreciate that.

I am thankful that he treats me with respect and doesn't treat me as if I am beneath him. I am thankful for everything that Tom is and how wonderful he is to me. Tom is one of the best people in my life and I thank God for him everyday. I think I need to let him know that more often. Who are you thankful for?

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day. Oh what a day that is. It's a day a lot of couples spend together showing each other they love them. Sweet idea right? Spend the day together showing you how much you love each other. But why does it have to be 1 day a year? Shouldn't we be showing each other we love every day? I know some people find it hard to show their loved ones they love them on a daily basis. Or that some people think life is too hectic and too busy to put "work" into their relationship, so the Valentine's Day is a good day for them, or maybe not.

In my eyes, I do everything I can to show Tom how much I love him and that he means the world to m, every day. The little things that I do help show I love him, the things I say show I love him. I don't need a special holiday to help me show him or prove to him what he means to me. I know some people don't see it the same way I do, or think of the holiday the same way I do. But to me it's all about the advertising and spending money going to dinner, buying cards, and gifts. Some girls expect extravagant gifts, but then don't return the expectation. It seems the holiday has become something to lavish girls with gifts, which is something I don't agree with.

I know there are times when i challenge myself to do things that show Tom I love him and work to make sure he knows I love him. Isn't that something we all should be doing instead of waiting for a holiday to do that? I have always disliked the holiday, and now that I have someone wonderful to be with for the holiday, I still dislike it very much. It makes no sense to me.

I Deserve

There are things in life that we deserve and ways we deserve to be treated and everything else. For the longest time I heard "You deserve better." or "You deserve to be treated better." I have always thought about what I deserved and wondered why people knew what The more I though about it and still think about it, I see more and more things that I do deserve. Sometimes I think we have a hard time realizing what we deserve because we tend to think less of ourselves than the people around us.

What is it that we deserve in life and honestly do we know what we deserve or do we think we deserve things. I'm a good person so does that mean I deserve good things to happen, and don't deserve anything bad? Or could it be that I deserve some bad things so that I may be able to learn and grow into a better person? What does it really mean to deserve something? Does how we live our life dictate what we deserve and don't deserve? How is something like that determined and at the same time who determines it?

I don't know about all that, but what I do know is there are some things that I deserve. I deserve to be happy and live a happy life. I deserve to have a wonderful boyfriend and family in my life.

Lingering fear

A dear friend if mine found out recently that her cancer has return. My prayers go out to her. Hearing this has cause most of my thoughts to be on my own cancer. I know the doctors told me I am cancer free and it wont come back. But I cannot help but wonder what if they are wrong. Or what if I get diagnosed with another form of cancer. What would I do? Would I be able to handle that again? There is always that little part of my mind that fears hearing that diagnosis again, being told I would have to go through chemotherapy or radiation again. Would I be able to handle all that again? Would I be able to see the hope as I did before?

No matter what I do I dont think I will be able to get rid of that fear. It doesn't matter how many times the doctors tell me I am healthy and cancer free I am still going to have that fear. When I get sick I get scared, there are even times when I feel something in my neck that isn't there. I fully admit I am afraid to hear those words again. You Have Cancer. That is something no one wants to hear once let alone twice. I understand my form of cancer is completely curable and there is no trace of it where it was, but what if I have another form of cancer. What if later in life I get diagnose with breast cancer or ovarian cancer? It's always something that could happen, something I am afraid of.

Along with that fear is that there is a chance that my kids could be diagnosed with cancer. While my doctor told me it was not hereditary, there will always be that fear. I will always wonder if my kids will be at a greater risk. I know it comes with the territory, but it's still something that is hard to deal with sometimes, it's overwhelming. I try to not think about it or worry about it. Cancer survivor is who I am and I need to learn how to cope with the emotions that come a long with it, though sometimes it's a little hard, and for that I am thankful I have a great support system.

Letting Go

I did something on Sunday I wasn't sure I would ever be able to do. I let go of a past hurt, in fact I let go of the person who was causing me so much pain. I let go of all the unanswered questions that will forever be unanswered. I let go of my father.

It is something I should have done several years ago, would have spared myself a lot of unnessary pain and heartache. I had no control over his decisions and actions. His life was his and if he chose to live it without his children that was all on him. It was hard to let go of him, of something I held onto for so long.

Last year he passed away, so it should be easier to have let him go right? It was actually harder especially since I didnt go to his funeral. Does that make me a bad person, not going to his funeral? Dont get me wrong I grieved for him, but he caused so much pain and was never around, why should I honor his life?

Since letting it go and saying I am not going to let him hurt me anymore, feels like a load has been lifted. I still have a way to go to completely let it go, but its a start to getting better.

Thankfulness

Throughout life people come and go in our lives and a lot of the time we tend to take things and people for granted. We let people fade into the background and focus on ourselves. We don't thank each other or acknowledge how much someone really means to us. The people in our lives are what helps make the journey better and more enjoyable. Too often we let days, months, even years go by before we say thank you to people in our lives, or let them know how much we love them.

There have been people in and out of my life who mean the world to me. I am thankful for loving and supportive parents. I know some people who do not have that or a good relationship with their parents and I am thankful that I do. I appreciate my brother who is there when I need him and we have gotten closer to each other over the years. I don't know what I would do with him. I have never had a boyfriend treat me as wonderful and respectful as Tom. I have several close friends who I can turn to when I need them: Melissa, Terry, Kate, Amanda, Josh, Lau and everyone else. I have amazing aunts and uncles, wonderful cousins and second cousins and extended family that has been adopted into the family. We tend to do that a lot don't we, "adopt" people into our families.

I am thankful for everyone in my life even if they aren't as predominate as others, like Jeremy he was an important person to me a few years back. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't talk, now I can't remember the last time I talked to him, but I am thankful we had that time. A lot of people have left my life but while I don't talk to some people as much as I used to, they are still important to me and I am very thankful for those people and the time we had together. I wish I got the chance to tell them I am thankful for them.