Lovingly Thankful

Today, Tom and I have been together for 7 months. It seems like we have been together longer (in a good way).  I honestly can say it has been the best 7 months. Sure we may get aggravated with one another, bur what couple doesn't and at the end of the day he is still the only one I want to be with.  I am thankful to have him in my life.

I am thankful for:

His sense of humor.  Not matter Tom can make me laugh to the point of tears.

His determination.  He has goals and dreams for his life and he will do anything to achieve them.

Compassion, Tom is as compassionate as I am.  
He understands my way of thinking.  Lets admit I do think differently and Tom doesn't question it, but he does understand it.   Sometimes.

His talent.  I love how talented he is at art and everything else he does.

Patient, he is very patient with his nieces and.nephews, me, and generally other people.

His soft-temper.  Tom isn't, quick to anger.  I have actually never really seen him angry.

Tom is a wonderful man and I am thankful for having him in my life, and to have him as my partner on this path through life. I couldn't ask for a better man.

Spring Has Sprung

Spring is one of my favorite times of the year, fall is the other. During Spring, things come back to life; birds come out to sing; we see animals like squirrels running about. The best part..it isn't freezing cold! I feel so much happier during Spring also. There are so many things to be excited for.

I got to walk around Pittsburgh today just taking pictures ofthe city around me. I'm excited to be able to walk around the city or even just my block. Tom and I are talking about going to the Cherry Blossom Festival. So exciting to go, cherry blossoms are my favorite flower.

With the new beginnings that Spring brings to nature, it also brings new beginnings for me, I think. I am stepping out of my comfort zone a lot lately including my first cosplay in April for Tekko. Being able to step out of my comfort zone is something those who know me best know I have working on for a while.

Spring gives me so much energy and motivation to work toward a lot of my goals. I intend to ger into shape more by walking more which might help my lungs as well. Hopefully by June I will have a nice body to wear at the beach. I'm excited to go out and do more things and in turn bring more life into myself

Forgiveness, Lovingkindness

In the church bulletin on Sunday there were some extra verses to read in the diggung deeper section. Micah 7:18 was one of them. There part in that verse that stood out for me was towards the end of the verse which says "he remains not in anger forever but delights in lovingkindness." The verse's theme you could say is being like God in our actions. That we should follow God's lead in various situations in our lives.

A lot of the time people ask me how could I forgive someone who hurt me or did something wrong. The only thing I can say is its not in me to hold onto anger. Sure I remember the pain and sometimes it manifests into depression, but I still forgive. How can I not when my God forgave me? I enjoy displaying love and kindness to everyone even if I have been caused pain and heartache.

I try to live a life that models Christ's love and exhibit mercy and grace. My life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect. I know there are some things that aren't Christ-like in my life. That is being human. I accept all my sins and ask for forgiveness and no matter what He forgives me, how can I not treat my fellow man the same way?

Why do we harbor anger and resentment towards each other? Why are we always out for revenge and want to give people "what they deserve"? Who are we to decide what another person deserves simply because they hurt us? I know its easier said than done to forgive a person and let God deal the judgements. But how else do we display His lovigkindness if we never forgive others?

Hearing Thanks

So I thought instead of giving thanks for things in my life I asked some of my friends and family to tell me some of the things about they are thankful for.  It helped me see there are things about me people appreciate.  No this wasn’t an ego boost or something to pump me up but to make me realize I am loved and valued.  I have been feeling the opposite.  Here are some of the things people said:

Terry: Well darling, let me thank you too. For your patience, for your understanding, for your faith, for your ability to forgive and most of all for your love and friendship. I know my life is better for having someone like you in it.

Kate: your humor

Tom: Thankful to have you in my life.  That you love  torture popeye, you put up with my geekiness, that you eat, that you care about me and my family, that i need you, our evil offspring.  Im thankful that your middle name is turklton (Jenny Turkleton LOL), your underwear obsession, when you sing (your voice).  (Tom went alphabetically.   these were the silly ones he did have serious ones i promise)

Chris:  Your sweet personality

Pastor Paul: Your kindness, and courage

There are others and I do hear it day to day things people are thankful for.  The other day my mom was thankful that i found some websites for her.  My brother thanked me for always picking him up to go places.  Sometimes its the little things that we appreciate and hearing thank you and what people appreciate about me is something that sends me souring.  I feel better knowing people do appreciate me.

Re-Evaluating Friends

Since I started writing about friendship and what it means to be a friend and forgiving friends I have been thinking about the friends I have or rather the people who call themselves my friends. If I was the kind of person who did not forgive people I wouldn't have any friends, in fact I only have a select few that I talk to on a regular basis. There have been things said and done to me, that any other person would end the friendship and not even think twice about talking to the person who hurt them.

I mean I have a friend, someone who was supposed to be my friend barely call or talk to me. When I lived with mom, she said I lived too far away (15-20 minutes) now that I'm in Pittsburgh I'm definitely too far away. But what hurt the most was she wasn't going to acknowledge Tom and mine's relationship until 6 months, she didn't even want to know his name. But when i needed a friend the most she was there, several times. I keep thinking things are different now because our lives changed when she got married, I know that happens when one friend marries and the other doesn't.

I used to have a friend that tried to force me to press charges on the man who assaulted me, and grew angry when I didn't want to do it. He wanted me to do everything his way, the way he wanted. I forgave all the hurtful things he said to me, and when I didn't want to met his girlfriend I was a horrible friend. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I lost plenty of friends, many who I am having a hard time getting back into talking to because it's been so long. I already have a hard enough time making friends.

I admit that there are times when I think people are not being enough of a friend, or I wonder why am I friends with certain people. Can my forgiveness and understand be tested to the limit and taken advantage of?

Selfish Friendships

So I was reading my dear friend Terry's comment on my last post and his comment got me thinking. He said "The ability to forgive a friend shows you remember what the foundation of a friendship means instead of having a "what have you done for me lately" attitude." Too often that is the attitude we have towards our friends. When a friend asks for a favor, how often do we respond "you owe me"? Why is that no matter who we are around or what we are doing we think of only ourselves? Isn't the point of being someone's friend is to be there for them when they need help? Shouldn't we be willing to lend that helping hand without asking for anything in return?

I know I definitely had some friends that are selfish and made me feel like they were trying to figure out what they would get out of helping me or even hanging out with me. Those are the people that when they get hurt no amount of apology fixes it because THEY got hurt, never mind how the other person in the friendship felt. Yesterday I talked about forgiveness within friendships, and Terry said a lot that goes with what I said. Being able to forgive a friend is understanding we are human we all make mistakes and need to forgive each other. We would want to be forgiven if we make a mistake with a friend right?

It all goes with the selfishness of some friendships. They hold onto the grudge and fester on their own desires and wants that they don't even think about how their actions affect their friends, and whether or not they will lose said friends. Friendships are so much more than what we can and cannot get from them. I think some of us needs to stop and re-evaluate our friendships...I might be doing that.

Friendships

First off let me say I know the picture is from New Year’s but it suits what this blog post is going to be about.  Friendships.  If I had a good picture of me and Melissa or even me and Terry I would put it up but alas I don’t so you get me and Kate. 

But I digress.  Over the past few years I have learned a lot about friendships.  The different kind of friends, the level of friendships, the trust, loyalty and forgiveness one gives to friends.  Throughout the years I have lost many friends, some aquaintances and some very close friends, but I have come to accept that that happens as time goes and lives go off into different directions.  Throughout my journey on my Path of Hope, I have met awesome people like Melissa, Terry, Kate, Sean, Tom, and so many more.  All have taught me many different things.

I have had people ask me why do I continue to forgive friends who have caused me pain (mainly verbally not like physical pain).  I forgive because that’s what friends do.  We will not always have moments of sunshine and unicorns, we will fight and not agree on everything.  And as with all aspects of life things will get said that you regret.  So a true loyal friend…forgives.  Or at least I think so.  I lost a friend recently because he couldn’t forgive me for something I said in August, something I already apologized for.  To a point it bothers me that he would have let something hat was said (in anger and pain) ruin a good friendship especially after I apologized numerous times.  I have accepted that I lost his friendship along with others, I have done what I could.

My friends mean the world to me.  I don’t know where I would be without my friends, some even saved my life: literally.  How can you not be loyal to that?  How can people not be loyal and forgive their friends?  I don’t get and maybe I never will.

Teachers Thanks

A few weeks ago was teacher’s week for Liberty Tax, Teachers got their taxes done for free.  As a substitute I talk to many teachers and some honestly don’t care about their students, others are driven to help their student achieve the Pittsburgh Promise.  I sat at my computer just thinking of the teachers I had in the past and have to say I had some really super and awesome teachers.

I am thankful I had teachers who pushed me to achieve the best that I could.  Teachers like Mr. Nevin, Mr. Amos,  Mrs Bertocci and Mrs. Krupa who went above and beyond what was required of them to make sure their students were learning and healthy in all aspects.  I think back to Mr. Amos reaching out to me when I was depressed and realize I owe a lot to that man, same with Mr. Nevin who may not know it.  Mrs. Krupa gave me the thrill and enhanced my love of literature and writing.  Mrs. Bertocci gave me a love for the French language to learn about another culture other than my own.

Teachers are what shape the future and seeing how kids talk to their teachers (and principals I heard a kid call a principal a B***h), there is no respect.  Some teachers have even said substitutes get more respect.  I can’t believe that with the things I deal with as a substitute teacher (thats for another day).  What happened to kids respecting their teachers and simply wanting to hang out with them the way we did?  I remember always wanting to go hang out with Mr. Nevin. We respected our teachers and thought twice before doing anything disresctful.  Our teachers care about us and tried to steer us in the right direction and noticed when things bothered us.  Now…its not like that anymore. 

So for this week’s post it is a HUGE thank you to my teachers in the past, elementary through college all my teachers get a thank you:

THANK  YOU!!

Trust

In the novel series I have been reading: Dark Hunters, the lead characters always had something happen that makes it hard for them to trust other people.  Throughout the story one person or another is trying to get the other to trust them through their actions to show that they are worthy of being trusted.  I have always thought it was hard to trust someone completely.  To me that enables you to be more vulnerable with them, to let your guard down around them.

For years it was hard for me to trust people.  Then when I began to trust and let my guard down, people showed me that once again trusting someone takes such hard work and the ability to trust not only them but myself.  I think moving in with Tom took a great deal of trust not only for us, but for my parents.  My parents need to know they can trust Tom to take care of me and allow nothing to harm me.  He’s proving that tenfold. 

Sometimes I wonder how Tom and a few other people in my life like Terry and Melissa managed to get me to let down my guard and trust them the way I do.  Its hard for me to let down my guard and allow people into my life regardless of what some people might think.  Trust is not something that I give away easily, and it is also something that can be taken away from me so easily as well.  When I trust people I have high expectations of them I think.  Maybe thats where I go wrong.  I expect people to not do anything that would cause them to loss my trust…is that wrong?  Is that asking too much?  If a person trusts you, shouldn’t you do everything you can to live up to that trust? and honor it?

Appreciating life

I finished reading Veronkia Decides to Die and it really got me thinking. No not about suicide, though in the past I admit I did.  In the novel Veronika tries to kill herself for various reasons,and ends up in a mental hospital.  While there she is told she will die from heart issues; she learns of a new zest for life.  She learns to appreciate the little things she took for granted such as the love of her parents and the love of another.

In the past when I was a teenager, i was unhappy with a lot of things and like Veronika thought the only way out of it was to die.  I did things to hurt myself and yes I am ashamed of those things, but they make me stronger and the woman I am today.  Throughout the years I have learned to appreciate life, especially after being diagnosed with cancer.  Things have a new meaning and I think back and sometimes wonder why I couldn’t see the good things in life before?  Things that are worth living for.

Much like the characters in the novel, I have decided that I don’t want to go on living as if I am afraid.  What do I really need to be afraid of?  Yes is have panic attacks but those are manageable easily.  But what should I be afraid of?  Nothing.  I have a great life, one full of  plenty of things to be happy about.  Instead of thinking about the not so good things in my life I am going to try to focus more on the things that I should be happy about.  The things I appreciate more than anything.

Taking risks

Throughout our lives we are presented with various opportunities.  Alot of the time we by pass those opportunities because we are afraid.  But what are we afraid of?  Failure? In Paulo Coelho’s book Veronika Decides to Die one of the characters says the we “don’t take the first step, perhaps for the fear of being called insane.”

I think too often we are afraid of what other people will think of us if we do something that is unexpected or considered risky.  I know I have heard people ask me “Are you crazy?” simply because I decided to be a substitute in Pittsburgh or that I am living in Pittsburgh.  We pass up so many opportunities to better our lives because we are afraid of what other people would say or that they would consider us crazy.  we worry too much about what other people think about our actions, as if other people control what we do and how we act which shouldn’t be the case.   I wonder sometimes how many great opportunities did I miss out on because I was worried about other people thought.

But if we don’t take risks how will we break out of our comfort zones?  How will we grow as people if we stick to things we know and refuse to do anything out of the ordinary simply because we are afraid of what other people would think?  I think in order to grow and learn new things about this world and ourselves we need to step out and take that first step without worrying about what other people will think of us.  Where would we be if other people didn’t take a risk?  Think about it.  What are you missing out on because you were too afraid?

Opened Wounds

Last night I found out that my birth father passed away.  It has been over 14 years since I have heard or seen from him or anyone from his family. Other than one random experience the time frame is much longer.  Throughout my life he was a ghost, non-existent.  I realize I have abandonment issues because he was never there, every child needs their father there for them.  Until I was 13 or 14 I never honestly had a father until my mom married the man I call Daddy.

Last night all the old wounds resurfaced and I cried.  Cried away my pain, my past, my hurt.  Letting it all go because I will never have the ability to confront him and tell him all the pain he caused and let him know how he hurt me and the damaged he caused all those years ago.  I do not want to care that he died.  But I do.  Its always sad when someone dies, but I never thought his death would effect me as much as it is.

I kept thinking what if I have half siblings?  Shouldn’t we have the chance to get to know each other or would they be like him?  Why after all these years of hearing nothing does his family think it is so important we are there?  Where were they all when I had cancer or when my brother was dealing with all of his heart problems?  No where.  Everything that deals with them in my life has been nothing but heartache and pain.  I understand he was my father and there is that part of me that still wanted to know him, but at the same time he was never the father I needed.

There is so much pain that it’s hard to get it all out.  I am not going to the funeral, one because I don’t consider him my father any more. and secondly because I don’t think that I could handle it emotionally.  It could potentially destroy me, so Im being smart and not put myself in that situation.  In time it will get easier to let go because I have no other choice.  Why hang on to pain?  why was I for all this time?