Finding Faults

I dont know if this is true with any of you, but I know it is true of me:  I do not see too many things within my self that are good.  I see the good in everyone around me, but when it comes to myself…I don’t see much worth or anything of value within myself. 

We always see things wrong with ourselves that we think other people would find to be bad things, things that would make them judge us.  We see the things that could hinder us from finding happiness whatever that may be.  I am reading a book called Born of Night the main character is an assassin and his love interest is a princess.  Nyk sees everything wrong with himself, and finds it odd that Kiara wants to be his wife.  I think too many times that is how we are.  Sure many times it might not be with relationships, but how many times have you asked why would  ______ want to be with me?  Why would he love me?  Better yet, have you asked yourself….why would Christ die for me?

Sometimes I think part of really, truely loving someone unconditionally means seeing their faults, but seeing perfection through them.  Loving someone despite the faults they may have.  I mean we all have faults, we are not perfect…

Compassion

Lately I have been wondering if I have too much compassion or even if that is such a thing, and whether or not that is a bad thing.  I am a very compassionate person and I think that helps me a lot in things, in life.  But at the same time does that play a part in some of my downfalls?  Could some of my failures in life be because I am too compassionate?   Could the way things be right now in work life and personal life be the way they are because I am too compassionate?  Is there a way to even decrease the compassion level?

I was told in a conversation with someone I hold dear, that having no compassion is not a quality  you want, but neither is having too much of it.  Is there a way of finding a happy balance?  Is there a way of getting the compassion level down or even increasing it if you feel you have no compassion?  Odd question….are we born with compassion or is it something we learn..nature vs nurture kind of question I guess.

This past week I have actually worried about my compassion and whether or not it is a bad thing and has caused some of the stress I deal with at work.  Has it caused my client to cling to me even though I tried to keep her at a professional distance?  I mean when does having compassion become a bad thing, when is that line drawn?  I know people say they like that I am compassionate, but I am starting to think it is a quality I don’t like in myself anymore.

The Past

Sometimes we have do things that we regret and of course they become a part of our past.  Many times those past experiences are things we are ashamed of and think would turn people away from us one way or another.  We all have skeletons in our closet that plague us and make us feel a little unworthy.

Some of us have pasts that aren’t as nice as others, but still the past is past and we all have something that isn’t what we wish it would be.  The way I see things is we shouldn’t judge a person based on the past, it just simply isn’t fair.  When it comes to someone I care about, I don’t even need to know about his past.  The past is the past and while it helps make us stronger, we have moved past it and become a different person.  The past no matter what it looks likes makes us different a unique and sometimes stronger because of what we have been through.

If someone has a past that shouldn’t change your opinion of them.  I told someone I care about dearly, he doesn’t even need to tell me his past if he doesn’t want to.  While it is important to him, and sure I’d like to know…I like him for the man he is, the man I see when I look at him, and honestly nothing he tells me can change my opinion of him; no matter what.  If I honestly care about him, why would it change things?

Too Much Compassion

Is it possible to have too much compassion?  When does having compassion become a bad thing, and counted against you?  Would you ever think having compassion would have been such a bad thing?  I never thought compassion was a bad thing but now I am starting to feel differently.  How do you have compassion and emotions in one setting and then be completely devoid of them in another?  How do you not let some things get to you?  How do you get rid of your emotions when they are so raw?

I always thought having compassion was a good thing and enabled you to understand and forgive things easily.  While I like having compassion; I think I have too much of it.  I honestly think it is going to be my downfall; it is going to destroy me in the long run instead of helping me.  Is compassion such a bad thing?  Shouldn’t compassion be a trait that you want to have?  It helps with being less judgmental in some aspects, but at the same time things get to you and it gets hard to not show our raw emotions no matter how hard you don’t want to. 

Being compassionate is all i know how to do.  I don’t know any other way.  Compassion was something I was happy to have, I considered it one of my best traits, but could it be one of my worst?  I try so hard to not let it get to me, only to fail only to feel drained of everything within me.

Frost

One of my favorite poems is the Road Less Taken by Robert Frost.  His poems always have the ability to get me to think, about of many things.  I saw the picture above and thought of the poem and even the picture got me thinking.  We always try to stay with what we know.  Never venture out of comfort zones.  Some people stay in relationships because they don’t want to date again, some stay at a job because its what they know.  Sometimes we need to branch out and try something new, break from that zone, even if it is small.

Many times staying on that well traveled path hinders us more than keeps us “safe”. Sure you know your comfort zone, you know what to do, how to feel, where to go, but is that how it should always be?  Shouldn’t we want to venture out of that zone and find new horizons, new lessons, new way of doing things; which could lead to a new look on life.  Sure I have stayed in my hometown, but i have done a few thing off my known path and my outlook is completely different, sure other things also play a part, but not traveling the same path helps a lot as well.

Well traveled roads are good sometimes, but honestly after a while they get to be old and tedious.  Simply; we don’t grow.  What harm would come if we stepped of the path, juuust a little: keep the path in view, but venture a little….could it be that bad?

Being Selfish

Ok I know I am writing a lot about waiting for someone and patience that goes along with it, but that is what is on my mind a lot lately.  In today’s society we are so selfish.  We want everything “our way” going with the Burger King slogan.  We want things to happen when we want it, how we want it, were we want it…basically we want it so we expect it to happen.  It doesn’t matter that sometimes, things don’t always go the way we want them too, and sometimes we need to wait.

We cannot always have things how we want them and sometimes we need to “sacrifice” something.  I say sacrifice because so many people would consider waiting for something or someone a sacrifice.  So often if we just wait, everything is better than if we had it at the moment we wanted it. Too often we are so selfish in our wants that we don’t realize that if we waited, it might be better.  If we saved money we could get a better car, or computer.  If we waited we could get a better house.  If we waited, and took the time to get to know a person and wait for the right time, relationships could be better than if we jumped into it too soon.

There is a verse in Song of Solomon, which I have already said was my favorite book, that basically says do not rush into things.  It doesn’t have to mean just relationships or even sexual intimacy.  We cannot be selfish in life, the world does not revolve around us, it doesn’t spin just to serve us.  People don’t do their jobs to make  us happy; though I am sure there are people who do think that, and there are people who work in human services, but not specifically for you.  People think waiting for something they want is such a bad thing; but in reality is it really so bad?  Is it so bad not to buy that camera right now?  Or having to wait to date someone we want to be with?  Waiting can be a good thing, maybe the best thing.

I know for me right now, waiting for something I want…is worth it.  I admit in the past I have felt the same selfish way others have and thought waiting wasn’t worth it….but right now…waiting for this….beyond worth it in my eyes…means a lot to me, and will be patient as I need to be….we should all be patient for what we want…..waiting isnt as bad as you think.

Waiting and Patience

The last post I was talking about how too often we do not wait for the timing to be right for relationships anymore.  We want everything to happen right now, when we want it.  Everything in life today is all about instant gratification, no one wants to take the time to wait for anything not just a good decent relationship.  I think too often we think when we want a relationship the other person is ready or wants one.  If they don’t, who do we get mad at?  Sometimes that person and in extreme cases God.  I admit I had a gentleman a while ago, date me and tell me he didn’t want a relationship.  Sure I was hurt, but I didn’t expect his needs to be the same as mine.

I hear a lot of people men and women alike who complain that they cannot find a good relationship.  The problem is, if the other person doesn’t want a relationship, wants to take things slow, or even is ready for one: interested but not ready, we jump to moving on like I said in the last post.  We are quick to just give up and not put forth the effort it takes to build a sort of foundation.  You need a good foundation for any relationship to succeed.  Waiting for someone helps build that foundation.  The patience it takes is great, and you need to be able to see the light at end of the tunnel.  Knowing that being patient and waiting is well worth it. 

My co-worker told me of a woman her boyfriend works with.  This woman has “gotten around” so to speak.  She approached within my friend’s boyfriend’s company and said “I heard you were interested, so work our breaks around the same time and we can have sex in the car”  How is that building a relationship?  How is that showing that it means something to you that someone is interested, or that your interest and feelings for that person go beyond anything physical?  It doesn’t.  Waiting for someone in my eyes shows that you want more than a sexual relationship but something more meaningful.

I think too much that people want to have that feeling filled.  That feeling of having someone close who cares, or someone you care about close.  They want it filled now, immediately to destroy our own lonliness without even thinking that if we waited, that feeling could be filled a lot more, quality and quantity, than if we just gave up and tried to find something different and more open.

Timing and waiting

Sometimes we find ourselves faced with what seems to be a dilemma. We have feelings for someone and it is not the right time. More often than not when that happens most people are quick to just give up, and try to find someone new. What does that say to the other person? Don't you think that would make them feel like they really didn't matter after all or that they didn't mean as much to you as you claim?

One of my favorite Biblical stories is about Jacob and Rachael. He traveled to his uncles land and fell in love with Rachael. Jacob had nothing to offer Laban for Rachael, so he offered to work 7 years for Laban just to be able to marry her. He waited 7 years to be able to marry the woman he loved, then at the end of the seven years, on the wedding day Jacob had been fooled and married Leah instead. It was custom that the younger daughter could not wed until the oldest sister did. Jacob agreed and then agreed to work another 7 years to be able to marry Rachael. Together Jacob worked 14 years just be able to be with Rachael. Shouldn't we approach relationships the same way? If the timing isn't right, shouldn't we at least wait, and show the other person how much they mean to us.

Many times we find someone who we think is worth dating and that we would have a good relationship with but if the timing isn't what we want it to be, we give up. We move on and try to find someone else. We don't wait anymore. We don't allow for timing to play itself out, why not? Is it because we live in what is considered a here and now society? I think if a person is worth wanting to be with and if I think we could have a good relationship then he is worth waiting for. The timing wasn't perfect for Jacob and Rachael, but he was willing to wait and obviously so was Rachael. It was said she was a beautiful woman and many men admired her beauty. So obviously she didn't marry another man and waited til the end of the 14 years for Jacob to be able to marry her.

Other times instead of waiting or trying to move on, some people push the subject which in turns push the other person away. Why would we want to push someone we care about away? Wouldnt we want to be able to show them we respect what needs to be done and stand back. Sure we can still talk to them, and get to know each other, but we shouldn push the issue of being in a relationship until the right time. It may take a while, maybe weeks, months or as in Jacob and Rachael's case, years. But in the end...I think it would all be worth the wait. Worth it to be with someone I care about. Wouldn't you?

Beauty From Pain

I know I have written about this before but it still holds true for me and still makes me think of things. I am listening to a song called Beauty from Pain, by Superchic[k]. We all go through moments in life when we are pained in one way or another. We always wonder why we need to go through this pain and what the purpose of it is. I know I have asked God "why" so many times about the things that I deal with and the things that I struggle with. I will fully admit I suffer with depression and it is something I battle each day of my life, but I know God is there even when everything seems so dark.

I have demons I fight with, demons I am for some reason afraid to let go, so they fester and feed off my own fears. This song helps me realize that yea I go through moments of deep despair and pain, but in the end there will be beauty because of it. We all have demons we battle with, that is part of not just being Christian but being human. There will always be things that hurt us and bring us pain and suffering, but does that mean we should give up? Or should we persevere in the hopes of finding the light at the end of the tunnel? Do we just sit there and wallow in our pain or try to do something about it?

I know how hard it is to try and not allow the despair and heartache to get you down. Sometimes the darkness seems to overpower everything. Sometimes it just takes everything in you to get out of bed or even shower and eat. It's those moments when we feel like giving up is the best idea, but nine times out of ten it is not something that works. When it comes to pain and whatever else we deal with nothing seems to help and we tend to just sit there and let it fester, I know I have done that. We cannot see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, or that light could even penetrate the darkness we feel. For me, sometimes the only thing that gets me through is my faith, and even then...there are times when I want to give up on that. I'm human. We've all been there at one point or another.

Depression, despair, pain, whatever you want to call it, effects everyone at one point in another whether you want it too or not. How we deal with it is what matters. Do you wallow, do you give up, or do you persevere?

Angels

I just finished reading a book called "The Valkyries" by Paolo Coelho, I mentioned him before with another one of his books called "The Alchemist." The Valkyries focused more on hope, or love I forget which because it actually talked about both. In the book the author describes his personal journey to see his angel. Everyone of us has some belief that we have a guardian angel watching over us. I think it is human nature to want to be able to see our angel at one point or another. But in the book Paolo couldn't see his angel, he even had a hard time hearing him, because he was being impatient. I think sometimes when we get impatient in life we tend to miss out on the things that God really has planned for us.

When Paolo finally did "see" his angel it wasn't in the sense that we normally think. We think we would see an angel as a person, when in fact that isn't the case. Many times we see our angels in different forms: a random stranger, a butterfly flying around, a bird on the wire, a squirel eating a peanut from your hand. Gentle things like that are said to be an angel. Angels are all around us and sometimes we don't even realize it. We tend to not notice these things because we are so impatient in life and worried about our own agendas than what God wants for our lives. Maybe when we begin to focus on God's agenda we will notice things more and possibly see angels.