Nights Vs Days

Those of you who battle depression know there is a difference between the days and the nights. For most of us nights are the worst. Throughout the day we can do things to keep our minds occupied and able to deal with the demons that are attacking us. But the nights..when we try to get sleep or relax is when they attack and try to bring us down. That is when all the depressive thoughts enter into our heads and do the most damage. I know mine does the worst damage at night and I tend to lash out at those I love and I hope that doesn't push him away.

The thing with depression is you are basically battling yourself and many times you are doing it alone because there is really no one who can stop the attacks. Sure there are people who can attempt to help and make it easier, like I wish I could just be held by Nate right now, but I can't but that's okay and I understand. Being held makes me feel safe from the attacks, but they still come. I have to deal with them on my own. I know that I am loved and desired, but the little demons sit there trying to counteract everything I know. Picking away at the little hurts from the past even if they hold no truth now. But mostly at nights I battle the little demons sitting on my shoulder whispering untruths to me: telling me the patterns of the past from my ex are starting to play out again, and its hard to deal with that even though I know it is untrue. I know I am loved and not being ignored or anything like that, it's just the past coming back to haunt me and I want to be rid of it.

We all have our issues right? I just wish I could be rid of some of mine so that they don't interfer with my happiness any longer. I havent really been like this since Jacob and I don't fully understand why they came back. I thought I was done with this, but apparently not. Depression kind of sneaks up behind you and kicks you in the butt. I don't like feeling this way, but I guess it is a part of me to have to go through this every now and then. I just wish that I could be through with this depression. During the day sure there are thoughts, but they are easily pushed aside and thought of something else, but when I try to relax it gets harder to fight them off at nights.