Depression

This thing called depression is one of those things that is hard to understand and hard to deal with. I know a lot of people say the deal with it through their faith in God, but what happens when you feel like God is out to get you? Or that you aren't supposed to be happy and just in constant pain? Part of me feels like I cannot be the true real me because everyone expects me to be a certain way, and its like I am lying to myself. That feeling is getting stronger each day, and the more I am around Nate because he doesn't hide who he is and I just think why should I?

Earlier I talked about my own demons and some of them dealt with my past relationships and how badly I have been hurt by my exes who claimed to have loved me. Have that happen makes me question Nate which I sure as heck don't want to do. I know he loves me but there are times like right now when I haven't talked to him since Tuesday that makes me wonder what is going on and when in the world am I going to talk to him again? I know I shouldn't be paranoid like this but is one of my demons that I battle each and every day when it comes to loving him: my demons make me feel like I am not enough for him and then get me to believe that he is thinking the same thing. I am trying not to let my demons win right now. It's like they have their claws in my head controlling my thoughts and I have to admit some of those thoughts aren't the happy go lucky thoughts people tend to associate with me.

I am listening to a song called "Whispers In The Dark" and its like my demons whispering in my head. I know the thoughts I have right now, whether it is that Nate doesn't care or whatever or the other thoughts and the things making me feel the way I do right now aren't mine. I wonder how can I battle these demons when I don't feel like I am strong enough and I don't feel like God is there, and it seems like almost everything around me is crashing to the ground? I know what sparks the darkest pit of depression that I am in right now, and like I said before it stems from my past relationships with one of my exes. He hurt me something fierce and right now all I want is to talk to Nate and I can't get a hold of him and it bothers me. It hurts a little, but really what can I do? I really don't feel like myself recently and I am sure those of you who know me can say I've been a little distance.

I just feel like I am falling into the black, through the cracks as one of my favorite songs says. I'm falling inside myself, inside my own past pains, but I have no idea how to let them go and move towards the future. When I sleep I am still tired because it feels like I still battle them even in my sleep and I have had vivid dreams of me battling demons to the point where they attacked me and gouged out my eyes though I haven't had that dream since college. I feel so lost right now, and it seems like there is no one that can help me other than myself. I have done the praying thing, but it doesn't help...I know I admitted in mylast post that I haven't prayed on my own in a long time, but i have asked for others to pray for me and with me; but it still doesn't seem to help me. I am sure there are plenty of people out there who feel the same way. Its hard when my demons turn their ugly head and decide to attack me because then everything is like fair game to them.

I just want to be happy and nothing right now seems to be able to make me happy, well Nate does but I can't be with him right now and I can't even fully get a hold of him unless he calls me. It sucks right now. Of course my little demons are telling me different things, but I am doing my best to not listen to them. It's times like this that I fiend for a smoke...Makes me feel like I am walking through Dante's Inferno, and no I haven't started to read it yet, so my thoughts aren't from that. Just another day...another battle....