Nights Vs Days

Those of you who battle depression know there is a difference between the days and the nights. For most of us nights are the worst. Throughout the day we can do things to keep our minds occupied and able to deal with the demons that are attacking us. But the nights..when we try to get sleep or relax is when they attack and try to bring us down. That is when all the depressive thoughts enter into our heads and do the most damage. I know mine does the worst damage at night and I tend to lash out at those I love and I hope that doesn't push him away.

The thing with depression is you are basically battling yourself and many times you are doing it alone because there is really no one who can stop the attacks. Sure there are people who can attempt to help and make it easier, like I wish I could just be held by Nate right now, but I can't but that's okay and I understand. Being held makes me feel safe from the attacks, but they still come. I have to deal with them on my own. I know that I am loved and desired, but the little demons sit there trying to counteract everything I know. Picking away at the little hurts from the past even if they hold no truth now. But mostly at nights I battle the little demons sitting on my shoulder whispering untruths to me: telling me the patterns of the past from my ex are starting to play out again, and its hard to deal with that even though I know it is untrue. I know I am loved and not being ignored or anything like that, it's just the past coming back to haunt me and I want to be rid of it.

We all have our issues right? I just wish I could be rid of some of mine so that they don't interfer with my happiness any longer. I havent really been like this since Jacob and I don't fully understand why they came back. I thought I was done with this, but apparently not. Depression kind of sneaks up behind you and kicks you in the butt. I don't like feeling this way, but I guess it is a part of me to have to go through this every now and then. I just wish that I could be through with this depression. During the day sure there are thoughts, but they are easily pushed aside and thought of something else, but when I try to relax it gets harder to fight them off at nights.

Depression

This thing called depression is one of those things that is hard to understand and hard to deal with. I know a lot of people say the deal with it through their faith in God, but what happens when you feel like God is out to get you? Or that you aren't supposed to be happy and just in constant pain? Part of me feels like I cannot be the true real me because everyone expects me to be a certain way, and its like I am lying to myself. That feeling is getting stronger each day, and the more I am around Nate because he doesn't hide who he is and I just think why should I?

Earlier I talked about my own demons and some of them dealt with my past relationships and how badly I have been hurt by my exes who claimed to have loved me. Have that happen makes me question Nate which I sure as heck don't want to do. I know he loves me but there are times like right now when I haven't talked to him since Tuesday that makes me wonder what is going on and when in the world am I going to talk to him again? I know I shouldn't be paranoid like this but is one of my demons that I battle each and every day when it comes to loving him: my demons make me feel like I am not enough for him and then get me to believe that he is thinking the same thing. I am trying not to let my demons win right now. It's like they have their claws in my head controlling my thoughts and I have to admit some of those thoughts aren't the happy go lucky thoughts people tend to associate with me.

I am listening to a song called "Whispers In The Dark" and its like my demons whispering in my head. I know the thoughts I have right now, whether it is that Nate doesn't care or whatever or the other thoughts and the things making me feel the way I do right now aren't mine. I wonder how can I battle these demons when I don't feel like I am strong enough and I don't feel like God is there, and it seems like almost everything around me is crashing to the ground? I know what sparks the darkest pit of depression that I am in right now, and like I said before it stems from my past relationships with one of my exes. He hurt me something fierce and right now all I want is to talk to Nate and I can't get a hold of him and it bothers me. It hurts a little, but really what can I do? I really don't feel like myself recently and I am sure those of you who know me can say I've been a little distance.

I just feel like I am falling into the black, through the cracks as one of my favorite songs says. I'm falling inside myself, inside my own past pains, but I have no idea how to let them go and move towards the future. When I sleep I am still tired because it feels like I still battle them even in my sleep and I have had vivid dreams of me battling demons to the point where they attacked me and gouged out my eyes though I haven't had that dream since college. I feel so lost right now, and it seems like there is no one that can help me other than myself. I have done the praying thing, but it doesn't help...I know I admitted in mylast post that I haven't prayed on my own in a long time, but i have asked for others to pray for me and with me; but it still doesn't seem to help me. I am sure there are plenty of people out there who feel the same way. Its hard when my demons turn their ugly head and decide to attack me because then everything is like fair game to them.

I just want to be happy and nothing right now seems to be able to make me happy, well Nate does but I can't be with him right now and I can't even fully get a hold of him unless he calls me. It sucks right now. Of course my little demons are telling me different things, but I am doing my best to not listen to them. It's times like this that I fiend for a smoke...Makes me feel like I am walking through Dante's Inferno, and no I haven't started to read it yet, so my thoughts aren't from that. Just another day...another battle....

Beauty From Pain

I recently heard a song from one of my favorite bands called Superchic[k]. I actually had the opportunity to met them in person and they are wonderful. I loved meeting them and talking to them, so hearing their songs, I remember how down to earth they are and how devoted to God they are. But anyway the song I heard and love right now is called "Beauty From Pain" and it speaks a thousand words to me.

I think too often we can't see past our pain. In my last post I talked about how modern churches don't have what people who are in pain need. I don't think churches today really reach out to those in pain and try to give them the hope they need which is why so many people don't go to church anymore. I know many people who left the church because of their pain and heartache and haven't been back because nothing gives them hope again and they are in a sense still blaming God for their pain. I tend to find myself blaming God for my pain, past, present, and I'm sure I will still do it in the future. I will be the first to admit that there are times when I don't want to step foot through those doors to my church. There are times when I don't pray...honestly...I don't really remember the last time I prayed on my own because it feels like my prayers are useless. There are times when my faith does fade and stumble, and I don't think that makes me a bad Christian...it just means I am human.

It is hard to see the beauty within our pain or to see that God will bring beauty through our pain. I still have many past hurts that I am holding on to, that I need to let go of, but seem to have a hard time doing it. And there is nothing I have read or done that helps...i could pray more but there are times when I feel like what's the use, and I am sure there are many of you out there feeling the same way. This song just said so much to me and has helped me the past couple of days. It's like my theme song haha. "I feel like I'm slipping away." is the last lyric in the first verse and i think too often we all feel like we are slipping away from our friends, family and sometimes even ourselves and when we feel like that we slip away from our faith in God whatever that faith may be.

Too often we look towards other things for healing instead of within. Churches today are there for one reason or another and many people don't feel like the church is there for them, and I have to admit there are times when I agree. I have gone to church thinking what is the point, nothing will help me right now. I felt like that Sunday; I was in this fit of depression, that I'm still struggling to get out of. We all have our demons that we battle everyday, sometimes we let others see them, other times we battle them in secret, no matter what. I think like Wm Young said we all have this "Shack" that we hide of pains, hurts, etc, and we think if they are locked in the shack they can't hurt us. But in the end our demons break down the door and eat away at us, and make us think there nothing that can be done.

We feel like the darkness surrounds us and like we have died like the song says. We grow cold to everything and everyone around us, we do more damage to ourselves trying to hide our demons sometimes than the demons do themselves. Or at least that is what I think. I know I have caused myself more pain than my demons could possibly cause. But there has to be something good that will come from the pain inside? Right now I am dealing with hurts from a past relationship and not wanting them to effect my relationship with Nate and it seems hard to try to "fix" myself so to speak. What can be done to forget the pain and tears I have cried? It's like we walk through life one day at a time almost like a zombie going through the emotions, not wanting to stir the pains and heartaches we are dealing with.

Church

I recently read an interview with Wm. Paul Young, the author of "The Shack" One of the things that Young said got me thinking. He said "institutional church doesn't work for those of us who are hurt and those of us who are damaged. If God is a loving God and there's grace in this world why doesn't it work for those of us who didn't get dealt a good hand in the deck, then why are we doing this?" That is a pretty powerful statement. I mean for many of us chruch doesn't seem to work because it doesn't give us the answers hat we desperately need at times. We don't always understand why things happen the way the do and when we try to get answers through the church, they just do not come. The church doesn't help those of us who are hurting and are damaged.

I know people who have walked away from the church because it just doesn't help them after they have been hurt so much. Sometimes the idea of church and a loving God just doesn't seem to fit into many of our lives. When you are hurting and damaged you don't want to deal with all the legalism and other things that are involved with certain churches. It's like the grace and love that churches talk about aren't enough when you are going through a lot of pain and heartache. Institutional churches sometimes just aren't enough; they just don't help.

I don't think churches give us the right image of God that those of us who are hurting and damaged need. They only give one aspect of God, the Biblical aspect. When I read "The Shack" I got a different insight to God and I highly suggest everyone read it. But I got a new insight to God and the things that happen around us. At one point in the story the main character helps the Holy Spirit in a garden, which he stated looked like a mess. While there are points in our lives that look like a mess, it looks beautiful to God because he sees the bigger picture that we don't. Institutional churches don't talk about that part of God. They always talk about a merciful God, instead of one that does let bad things happen for a reason.

I just think those of us who are hurting need something specific that most churches can't give and don't try to give. Making us feel like we have to struggle through our hardships on our own.

Belonging

A few years back a friend of mine said something to me that has stuck and still makes me think to this day. He said "fish belong in the sea, birds in the air, where is it you belong." That has been something I have been trying to figure out for so long. How do we know where exactly we belong in this life? We try to identify ourselves with so many things: clothes, friends, hair, relationships, even our faith. I know people who are active within their churches only to say "look at what I am doing" I don't think that is a good way to grow in Christ and figure out where we belong.

I have prayed and searched my soul for years about trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into this world and the answer I have come to is that I am just me. I am the person that God made me to be and there will be times when I will disappoint people or upset them for one reason or another or even offend someone for some reason. But I belong wherever it is that I am. I am just perfect the way I am and I feel like I belong wherever I let my life take me. I think that could be the key to knowing God's will. Praying about it and then letting him lead our lives and take us wherever we go. That takes a lot of trust, and when we trust that much and allow GOd to take control of our lives it is easier to feel like we belong somewhere.

Confidence

I actually had to work on this subject for a church board meeting, so I decided to just post what I learned and thought based on the scripture that Pastor gave me and the topic which obviously was confidence. I haven't had much confidence in my life. I'm not really sure why, i just never have. Though lately my confidence level has been rising and again I am not sure what is causing that. Pihilippians 3:4-5 tells us "We put no confidence in human efforts. Instead we boast about what Christ has done for us. Yet I could have confidence in myself if anyone could. If others have reason for confidence in their efforts I have even more." What I think Peter is trying to say with this is that we have confidence in God. When we try to do anything we have God at our sides so we should be confident that God will take care of things.

We cannot try to put confidence in ourselves or even others because we will undoubtedly fail at some point and end up disappointed. When we put our confidence in God, we trust that things will work out the way he wants them too instead of how we want them too. It is not the things that we do or say that gives confidence or even eternal life; but it is our faith in God, trust in Him, and that salvation comes from those things.

Prayers

Last year or so I went to a Cancer Treatment Centers of America seminar about counseling those who have been diagnosed with cancer. One of the things that Rev. Percy McCray said really made me think, and it still makes me think. What he said was "We think we can manipulate God with our prayers." I think too often we think we make God answer our prayers. We think we can make what we want to happen simply because we pray to God about it. Other times people would try to bargain with God, something like "If you allow me to have this job I will go to church more" or "I will give more" We will say things we think would make God answer our prayers the way we want them too.

We think simply because the Bible says "ask and ye shall receive" that simply because we ask for it then we will get it. We don't think that God will provide when it is in his time and according to his will. Simply because we want something doesn't mean that we will get it, or that it will happen. We cannot manipulate God into providing what we want simply because we are praying about it. I think we as Christians need to realize that our prayers are asking God for help and guidance, not demanding him of things or a tool to barter with. Prayer is a way to communicate with God and keep our relationship with him strong and grounded.

Pathways

I just read a blog from one of my dearest friends. She was talking about the different paths that we take in life. She was saying sometimes people stay stagnate and just don't move from the point they are at. Like we come to the end of a path, and instead of beginning a new path many people just stay where they are and don't look to see what else is out there. I think people tend to do this with God as well. They come to a point in their faith where they are content with things, and they don't take on a new path in life.

Every path that we take will always end at some point, and when we come to that end point we need to decide on our next path or to stay stagnate as Carrie was saying. But when we remain stagnate and don't do anything else how can we grow and how can we learn? We cannot learn anything new when we don't try new things and go on a different path. We need to remember that different paths can teach us different things. When we look at the past paths we see where we came from and see what we need to learn and the things we already have learned. Our past paths shaped who we are now, and our future paths shape who we are going to be. We cannot remain stagnate in any aspect of our lives, relationships, career, faith etc. Go after your dreams, follow your heart, and grow in God's will.

Good Qualities

I saw this on another blog and I liked the idea of it. God gave us all different wonderful qualities and characteristics. Sometimes we can see those characteristics and qualities in others, but we really need to see them within ourselves. We tend to see more of the bad within ourselves than the good. So this entry is about the good qualities. The qualities that I thank God that he gave me and helps make me the person that I am today. I'm going to stop at six, that's what the other blogger did. I admit doing something like this is really hard and makes me really look at myself. I need to see the woman God made me to be, not the sinful woman I am.

1. I am a good listener and compassionate for others
2. God gave me the ability to write, I need to use it more
3. I am a faithful and loyal friend
4. God made me strong, and he makes me stronger every day
5. I see the world in a different view, I can see the good in everything
6. I am not quick to anger. I let things slide unless they challenge my values.

What are some of the good qualities God has blessed you with? Is it easy for you to see the wonderful person that you are, or are you like me and constantly seeing the bad qualities I think I have.

Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I am sure many couples are planning romantic dates and little gifts to show how much they love each other. In my mind, you shouldn't need a holiday to work at expressing your love for someone. I know a lot of people spend money on gifts or expensive dinners, but who said money is used to express love?

One of my favorite stories in Genesis is the story of Jacob and Rachael. It is one of the first stories of love and expressing that love. Jacob went to his uncle's land to find himself a wife. When he set eyes on Rachael he was in love and worked out a plan to work for SEVEN years in order to prove his worth to marry her. Instead when those seven years were up, on the wedding day, it was Leah not Rachael. Did Jacob cut his losses and just accept that he couldn't have Rachael? No he worked another seven years so he could have her hand. This man worked 14 years so that he could marry this beautiful woman. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying a man should work 14 years, but he should do what it takes to woo a woman before and after marriage.

Just because commercialism says February 14th is the day of love, doesn't mean anything. I think..or rather I know God wants us to be able to express our love for each other as well as Him every living day. We need to tell our loved ones we love them, or find little creative ways to show them. We need to spend more time with God and learning his word as well as talking to him. Valentine's Day is just a day made by man and I don't really like it. I express my love for God and for Nate everyday and don't need to spend money or have a holiday to remind me to do it. It should come natural to express love to God...isn't that what we were created to do in the first place?

Jealousy

Jealousy is a funny little thing. We all experience it at some point in our lives, but some deal with it better than others. Some take their jealousy to uncontrolled levels and start trying to control their spouse or acting out towards the person they are jealous at. I'm going to talk more in terms of jealousy in relationships. So anyway when jealousy takes over in our relationships there are many different bad consequences and you begin to no longer trust them and are constantly questioning their motives for going out, talking to friends or even not callin you. God doesn't want us to act like that. We need to trust each other, just like we would trust God. When we trust each other we respect each other and we are able to have more time to spend with God instead of trying to find out what our spouses are up to.

When it comes to romantic relationships I don't think God would want us to constantly be questioning our spouse. I mean there are times when I don't get to talk to Nate and it does make me sad, but I know there is a good reason why and I trust that he is being loyal whereas there would be women who would constantly call him to find out what he is doing or who he is with. When you are in love with someone you do not treat them like they are less than you which is sometimes what jealousy makes our spouses feel. It takes away all the trust and respect out of a relation and it takes away from our relationship with God. If we can't trust our spouses how can we fully unconditionally trust God? I think that if we can't trust the people in our lives, we can't completely trust God the way we need to.

When we begin to feel jealous about something within our life, we need to stop and pray to God. We need to ask God for the strength and help to deal with our jealousy and find ways to deal with it better than constantly "checking up" on our spouses.

Forgiveness

I have seen many different questions on the internet lately about forgjveness. One of the main questions is this one: "If I don't want to communicate with some does that mean I haven't forgiven them?" I understand some of where this question comes from and I have had someone tell me that if I didn't talk to my father then I didn't truely forgiven him. Sure I have forgiven him, but that doesn't mean I need to have a communication/relationship with him because he did do things that were wrong, and still does. You can forgive someone and not have to have that person in your life. I have forgiven my rapist, but does that mean I need to have a communication with him...of course not.

When we forgive, we don't say that whatever the person did to us was acceptable or that it was okay, we just forgive them for what they did. Forgiveness and communication/relationships dont always go hand in hand...communication/relationships need forgiveness, but forgiveness does not need communication/relationships.