Failing

I am still feeling a little down on myself.  It seems to me that I keep doing things wrong or making stupid mistakes and it keeps bugging me and making me feel like I am failing.  I mean I was once told I was unmarriable because I struggled a little bit with finances.  What if because I still struggle a little bit that Tom will begin to think the same thing? Would Tom decide that I’m not worth the hassle; that my love isn’t worth it?

It’s like everything I try to do I fail at or somehow mess up in one way or another.  What if I never succeed at what I set out to do?  What if I cannot become the person I want to be and be the woman I want to be for Tom?  I’m afraid that one day he will wake up and decide that I am struggling with some bills and the way the school board  is being lately.  They didn’t do my change of address or my direct deposit yet, or at least I don’t think they did.  But nevertheless.  If one person thought I was unmarriable because of my failures and shortcomings.  What if Tom feels the same?

I admit I do want to marry Tom.  I want to be his little wifey, so sometimes I worry that I might not be enough to make him happy and then things like this happen and my fears increase and I keep remembering that I have always been the reason for relationships ending…unmarriable, immature, not loving enough…etc.  A part of me fears that it will happen again.  That no matter how much I love Tom and try to do everything to be a good girlfriend and hopefully future wife, I won’t measure up.  I won’t be good enough.

Friday Thanks

So I know lately I have been doing a weekly thanks based on people, but I am going to steer from that for this week.  I’m still giving thanks to a person, but more than one person.  The entire military.  For so many  years (yes I lost track) we have been fighting and having troops in Iraq, Afghanistan and where ever else for one reason or another.  Many of them have missed important holidays with loved ones, missed milestones in their children’s lives and sometimes I don’t think we give them enough thanks and honor.

I know there are a lot of people who would consider celebrities like Adam Sandler, Drew Berrymore, Johnny Depp (of course) or athletes such as Big Ben, or Aaron Rodgers, Sidney Crosby, ARod.  Sure they have good qualities in them but are the really heroes?  Are they risking their lives daily to make sure that our lives are safe?  Or following the orders of someone that everyone may not agree with?  We all know not everyone includeing military personnel agree with the US have troops overseas, but they still go when called.

One of my close friends is in the Army and has been overseas numerous times (again I lost track) and he goes willingly each time saying it was his duty as a soldier and as a child of God to serve his country the best he can.  I want to give all our military a big thanks.  Without them who knows where we would be.

Kids

The school I have been at this week is one that I have been at before.  I love the teachers, administration and some of the kids (4th –5th graders can get on my nerves).  Because I have been there so much already the kids keep getting excited when they see me.  Alot want hugs, some yell my name “Ms Weiss, Ms W…or my favorite Ms White and Ms Rice” Oh I cannot forget “Ms Pretty.”  (hehe).  It’s a great feeling to have kids excited when they see you and hoping that you are in their class.

Sometimes with every job or any interaction with kids, you have favorites.  As a TSS I had a favorite: SB.  As a sub its no different I have a few favorites at the school.  But there is one little kid that makes me laugh every time I am there: Tyrone.  Hes in second grade and keeps telling me he i sin love with me.  Keeps calling me Ms. Pretty or Ms. Beautiful.  At one point he rubbed my belly saying “rub your belly to make you love me” hehe.  Today Tom was in their class and I helped out until I got my schedule for the day.  Tyrone did not like it.  He kept telling Tom he was keeping his eye on him and somewhat hissing at him it was funny.

Kids have an innocence about them that is getting lost as the years go by.  Sure we al had crushes on teachers and subs, but not to the point of admitting to being a pimp or at least not to my knowledge.  Kids wanted to actually get into fights, one girl stabbed another child in the EYE with a PENCIL!  How are we getting from the childlike excitement to see a favorite substitute to getting the thought in their head to stab another classmate in the eye, or cuss at each other.  We had to write up kids 2nd graders for swearing!  I didn’t know even 1 swear word until I was in at least 4th grade when my friends said them but even then i didn’t say them.  I love my job, but alittle sad at what is happening to our kids.

Feeling Down

Lately I have been feeling a little down and depressed.  I have to admit it has taken away my motivation to do anything including writing even though I have had a friend tell me he has really enjoyed reading my writing again.  I have been feeling and thinking all of those negative things that I am sure we all deal with at one point or another such as feeling ugly, fat, unable to do things etc.

While I have been feeling down I tried to set goals for myself like that I would get up earlier to work out but I just hit the snooze alarm and hat makes me upset with myself all over.  Its like Im just going in a circle.  So I decided to take baby steps to get myself out of it.  One of course is actually talking about it to the most important person: tom.  I mean if I cannot come to Tom and try to talk to him about how I am feeling now how will I be able to in the future?

I admit telling him how I feel helps and hearing him say the things he says helps.  But I have also decided to almost force myself to do things like writing more, if not on here then in a journal just to get myself writing more and getting thoughts out even if I don’t want other people to read it.  And I admit that writing again really makes me feel better.  Why is it that when we are feeling depressed and down on ourselves that we stop doing all the things we love and almost get no joy out of them?  So I am going to keep doing what I love knowing that I will come through better than ever.

Love Letter

So there was a two hour delay for the Pittsburgh schools today because of the Superbowl.  If the Steelers did in fact win then the parade in town would close off important streets for busses, so two hour delay.  BUT teachers and subs had to be at the school at the same time (855 instead of 1055 for the one I was at).  In that spare time I decided to spend some time and write a few letters to people like my grandma and aunt.  Then I decided to write a good old love letter for Tom.

I wanted him to know what he means to me and how I honestly feel about him.  It could have been longer than it was, but I didn’t want him to spend hours reading it.  I think from time to time we all need to hear what we mean to the people in our lives even if those people are friends, family, or spouse.  Its human nature to want to know that we are loved and sometimes…why someone loves us.  Writing it down and hearing it are two different things and evoke two different responses. Sometimes writing makes it easier to put things into words {I know it was easier to write then speak it}.

I was going to save it for Valentine’s Day but I think I will give it to him later tonight.  I can’t see his response, and really why should I wait until Valentine’s Day to tell the man I love how much he means to me? That should be something I tell him everyday.

Valentine’s Day

I have always thought this day was bogus and hated it every year.  Mainly because I didn’t have someone to share it with and when I did, it was never what I expected it should be.  This year I do have someone to spend it with and I do love him very dearly.  While I want to make the day special and romantic for him; I don’t need one day to do it.  I show my love for Tom everyday in things that I do and say to him.  Sure I might have something planned for him, but I have no expectations of anything more than what we already do to express our love.

Tom doesn’t need to get me flowers or candy or anything to make his love known to me or make me feel special.  He does that every day when he tells me he loves me or when he simply looks at me.  He doesnt need to go to great lengths on Valentine’s Day to show that to me or anyone else.  If you just spend time around us you will see the love we share and the special bond we have created between us.

I love Tom, with all my heart.  I can say that I have never felt as loved and appreciated as I do with him.  Sure Valentine’s Day is a romantic day full of love, but that’s everyday even when we get frustrated and annoyed with each other.  I can still feel the unconditional love he feels for me and I know he can still feel the love I have for him.

Loving Thanks

I know I did this a few weeks ago, but I think sometimes you need to give thanks more than once for someone you are in love with. Tom and I have been together for 5months now, living together for about 3 weeks or so. In that time I have learned so much no only about him but myself as well. Tom is probably one of the most wonderful men I have known and means everything to me. Simply saying I am thankful that God has brought us together just doesn't do justice for it.

Always making me laugh

Being incredibly romantic at random moments

Being calm and keeping me calm when I have an anxiety attack

Understanding my emotional craziness

Telling me everyday that I am beautiful and you love me

Being a complete gentleman

Being dorky at times :D

For teasing me; even though sometimes I don't like it, Im thankful you tease me

Taking care of me i.e making sure I eat or running a hot bath when my muscles cramp

Your incredible intelligence, i love having in depth conversations with you.

Everyday I thank God for bringing you into my life when I least expected it, when I was about to give up. I can honestly say that my life has been changed because I have Tom's love and I love him: my life will never be the same.