Those of you who battle depression know there is a difference between the days and the nights. For most of us nights are the worst. Throughout the day we can do things to keep our minds occupied and able to deal with the demons that are attacking us. But the nights..when we try to get sleep or relax is when they attack and try to bring us down. That is when all the depressive thoughts enter into our heads and do the most damage. I know mine does the worst damage at night and I tend to lash out at those I love and I hope that doesn't push him away.
The thing with depression is you are basically battling yourself and many times you are doing it alone because there is really no one who can stop the attacks. Sure there are people who can attempt to help and make it easier, like I wish I could just be held by Nate right now, but I can't but that's okay and I understand. Being held makes me feel safe from the attacks, but they still come. I have to deal with them on my own. I know that I am loved and desired, but the little demons sit there trying to counteract everything I know. Picking away at the little hurts from the past even if they hold no truth now. But mostly at nights I battle the little demons sitting on my shoulder whispering untruths to me: telling me the patterns of the past from my ex are starting to play out again, and its hard to deal with that even though I know it is untrue. I know I am loved and not being ignored or anything like that, it's just the past coming back to haunt me and I want to be rid of it.
We all have our issues right? I just wish I could be rid of some of mine so that they don't interfer with my happiness any longer. I havent really been like this since Jacob and I don't fully understand why they came back. I thought I was done with this, but apparently not. Depression kind of sneaks up behind you and kicks you in the butt. I don't like feeling this way, but I guess it is a part of me to have to go through this every now and then. I just wish that I could be through with this depression. During the day sure there are thoughts, but they are easily pushed aside and thought of something else, but when I try to relax it gets harder to fight them off at nights.
Feb 27, 2009
Feb 26, 2009
Depression
This thing called depression is one of those things that is hard to understand and hard to deal with. I know a lot of people say the deal with it through their faith in God, but what happens when you feel like God is out to get you? Or that you aren't supposed to be happy and just in constant pain? Part of me feels like I cannot be the true real me because everyone expects me to be a certain way, and its like I am lying to myself. That feeling is getting stronger each day, and the more I am around Nate because he doesn't hide who he is and I just think why should I?
Earlier I talked about my own demons and some of them dealt with my past relationships and how badly I have been hurt by my exes who claimed to have loved me. Have that happen makes me question Nate which I sure as heck don't want to do. I know he loves me but there are times like right now when I haven't talked to him since Tuesday that makes me wonder what is going on and when in the world am I going to talk to him again? I know I shouldn't be paranoid like this but is one of my demons that I battle each and every day when it comes to loving him: my demons make me feel like I am not enough for him and then get me to believe that he is thinking the same thing. I am trying not to let my demons win right now. It's like they have their claws in my head controlling my thoughts and I have to admit some of those thoughts aren't the happy go lucky thoughts people tend to associate with me.
I am listening to a song called "Whispers In The Dark" and its like my demons whispering in my head. I know the thoughts I have right now, whether it is that Nate doesn't care or whatever or the other thoughts and the things making me feel the way I do right now aren't mine. I wonder how can I battle these demons when I don't feel like I am strong enough and I don't feel like God is there, and it seems like almost everything around me is crashing to the ground? I know what sparks the darkest pit of depression that I am in right now, and like I said before it stems from my past relationships with one of my exes. He hurt me something fierce and right now all I want is to talk to Nate and I can't get a hold of him and it bothers me. It hurts a little, but really what can I do? I really don't feel like myself recently and I am sure those of you who know me can say I've been a little distance.
I just feel like I am falling into the black, through the cracks as one of my favorite songs says. I'm falling inside myself, inside my own past pains, but I have no idea how to let them go and move towards the future. When I sleep I am still tired because it feels like I still battle them even in my sleep and I have had vivid dreams of me battling demons to the point where they attacked me and gouged out my eyes though I haven't had that dream since college. I feel so lost right now, and it seems like there is no one that can help me other than myself. I have done the praying thing, but it doesn't help...I know I admitted in mylast post that I haven't prayed on my own in a long time, but i have asked for others to pray for me and with me; but it still doesn't seem to help me. I am sure there are plenty of people out there who feel the same way. Its hard when my demons turn their ugly head and decide to attack me because then everything is like fair game to them.
I just want to be happy and nothing right now seems to be able to make me happy, well Nate does but I can't be with him right now and I can't even fully get a hold of him unless he calls me. It sucks right now. Of course my little demons are telling me different things, but I am doing my best to not listen to them. It's times like this that I fiend for a smoke...Makes me feel like I am walking through Dante's Inferno, and no I haven't started to read it yet, so my thoughts aren't from that. Just another day...another battle....
Earlier I talked about my own demons and some of them dealt with my past relationships and how badly I have been hurt by my exes who claimed to have loved me. Have that happen makes me question Nate which I sure as heck don't want to do. I know he loves me but there are times like right now when I haven't talked to him since Tuesday that makes me wonder what is going on and when in the world am I going to talk to him again? I know I shouldn't be paranoid like this but is one of my demons that I battle each and every day when it comes to loving him: my demons make me feel like I am not enough for him and then get me to believe that he is thinking the same thing. I am trying not to let my demons win right now. It's like they have their claws in my head controlling my thoughts and I have to admit some of those thoughts aren't the happy go lucky thoughts people tend to associate with me.
I am listening to a song called "Whispers In The Dark" and its like my demons whispering in my head. I know the thoughts I have right now, whether it is that Nate doesn't care or whatever or the other thoughts and the things making me feel the way I do right now aren't mine. I wonder how can I battle these demons when I don't feel like I am strong enough and I don't feel like God is there, and it seems like almost everything around me is crashing to the ground? I know what sparks the darkest pit of depression that I am in right now, and like I said before it stems from my past relationships with one of my exes. He hurt me something fierce and right now all I want is to talk to Nate and I can't get a hold of him and it bothers me. It hurts a little, but really what can I do? I really don't feel like myself recently and I am sure those of you who know me can say I've been a little distance.
I just feel like I am falling into the black, through the cracks as one of my favorite songs says. I'm falling inside myself, inside my own past pains, but I have no idea how to let them go and move towards the future. When I sleep I am still tired because it feels like I still battle them even in my sleep and I have had vivid dreams of me battling demons to the point where they attacked me and gouged out my eyes though I haven't had that dream since college. I feel so lost right now, and it seems like there is no one that can help me other than myself. I have done the praying thing, but it doesn't help...I know I admitted in mylast post that I haven't prayed on my own in a long time, but i have asked for others to pray for me and with me; but it still doesn't seem to help me. I am sure there are plenty of people out there who feel the same way. Its hard when my demons turn their ugly head and decide to attack me because then everything is like fair game to them.
I just want to be happy and nothing right now seems to be able to make me happy, well Nate does but I can't be with him right now and I can't even fully get a hold of him unless he calls me. It sucks right now. Of course my little demons are telling me different things, but I am doing my best to not listen to them. It's times like this that I fiend for a smoke...Makes me feel like I am walking through Dante's Inferno, and no I haven't started to read it yet, so my thoughts aren't from that. Just another day...another battle....
Beauty From Pain
I recently heard a song from one of my favorite bands called Superchic[k]. I actually had the opportunity to met them in person and they are wonderful. I loved meeting them and talking to them, so hearing their songs, I remember how down to earth they are and how devoted to God they are. But anyway the song I heard and love right now is called "Beauty From Pain" and it speaks a thousand words to me.
I think too often we can't see past our pain. In my last post I talked about how modern churches don't have what people who are in pain need. I don't think churches today really reach out to those in pain and try to give them the hope they need which is why so many people don't go to church anymore. I know many people who left the church because of their pain and heartache and haven't been back because nothing gives them hope again and they are in a sense still blaming God for their pain. I tend to find myself blaming God for my pain, past, present, and I'm sure I will still do it in the future. I will be the first to admit that there are times when I don't want to step foot through those doors to my church. There are times when I don't pray...honestly...I don't really remember the last time I prayed on my own because it feels like my prayers are useless. There are times when my faith does fade and stumble, and I don't think that makes me a bad Christian...it just means I am human.
It is hard to see the beauty within our pain or to see that God will bring beauty through our pain. I still have many past hurts that I am holding on to, that I need to let go of, but seem to have a hard time doing it. And there is nothing I have read or done that helps...i could pray more but there are times when I feel like what's the use, and I am sure there are many of you out there feeling the same way. This song just said so much to me and has helped me the past couple of days. It's like my theme song haha. "I feel like I'm slipping away." is the last lyric in the first verse and i think too often we all feel like we are slipping away from our friends, family and sometimes even ourselves and when we feel like that we slip away from our faith in God whatever that faith may be.
Too often we look towards other things for healing instead of within. Churches today are there for one reason or another and many people don't feel like the church is there for them, and I have to admit there are times when I agree. I have gone to church thinking what is the point, nothing will help me right now. I felt like that Sunday; I was in this fit of depression, that I'm still struggling to get out of. We all have our demons that we battle everyday, sometimes we let others see them, other times we battle them in secret, no matter what. I think like Wm Young said we all have this "Shack" that we hide of pains, hurts, etc, and we think if they are locked in the shack they can't hurt us. But in the end our demons break down the door and eat away at us, and make us think there nothing that can be done.
We feel like the darkness surrounds us and like we have died like the song says. We grow cold to everything and everyone around us, we do more damage to ourselves trying to hide our demons sometimes than the demons do themselves. Or at least that is what I think. I know I have caused myself more pain than my demons could possibly cause. But there has to be something good that will come from the pain inside? Right now I am dealing with hurts from a past relationship and not wanting them to effect my relationship with Nate and it seems hard to try to "fix" myself so to speak. What can be done to forget the pain and tears I have cried? It's like we walk through life one day at a time almost like a zombie going through the emotions, not wanting to stir the pains and heartaches we are dealing with.
I think too often we can't see past our pain. In my last post I talked about how modern churches don't have what people who are in pain need. I don't think churches today really reach out to those in pain and try to give them the hope they need which is why so many people don't go to church anymore. I know many people who left the church because of their pain and heartache and haven't been back because nothing gives them hope again and they are in a sense still blaming God for their pain. I tend to find myself blaming God for my pain, past, present, and I'm sure I will still do it in the future. I will be the first to admit that there are times when I don't want to step foot through those doors to my church. There are times when I don't pray...honestly...I don't really remember the last time I prayed on my own because it feels like my prayers are useless. There are times when my faith does fade and stumble, and I don't think that makes me a bad Christian...it just means I am human.
It is hard to see the beauty within our pain or to see that God will bring beauty through our pain. I still have many past hurts that I am holding on to, that I need to let go of, but seem to have a hard time doing it. And there is nothing I have read or done that helps...i could pray more but there are times when I feel like what's the use, and I am sure there are many of you out there feeling the same way. This song just said so much to me and has helped me the past couple of days. It's like my theme song haha. "I feel like I'm slipping away." is the last lyric in the first verse and i think too often we all feel like we are slipping away from our friends, family and sometimes even ourselves and when we feel like that we slip away from our faith in God whatever that faith may be.
Too often we look towards other things for healing instead of within. Churches today are there for one reason or another and many people don't feel like the church is there for them, and I have to admit there are times when I agree. I have gone to church thinking what is the point, nothing will help me right now. I felt like that Sunday; I was in this fit of depression, that I'm still struggling to get out of. We all have our demons that we battle everyday, sometimes we let others see them, other times we battle them in secret, no matter what. I think like Wm Young said we all have this "Shack" that we hide of pains, hurts, etc, and we think if they are locked in the shack they can't hurt us. But in the end our demons break down the door and eat away at us, and make us think there nothing that can be done.
We feel like the darkness surrounds us and like we have died like the song says. We grow cold to everything and everyone around us, we do more damage to ourselves trying to hide our demons sometimes than the demons do themselves. Or at least that is what I think. I know I have caused myself more pain than my demons could possibly cause. But there has to be something good that will come from the pain inside? Right now I am dealing with hurts from a past relationship and not wanting them to effect my relationship with Nate and it seems hard to try to "fix" myself so to speak. What can be done to forget the pain and tears I have cried? It's like we walk through life one day at a time almost like a zombie going through the emotions, not wanting to stir the pains and heartaches we are dealing with.
Feb 24, 2009
Church
I recently read an interview with Wm. Paul Young, the author of "The Shack" One of the things that Young said got me thinking. He said "institutional church doesn't work for those of us who are hurt and those of us who are damaged. If God is a loving God and there's grace in this world why doesn't it work for those of us who didn't get dealt a good hand in the deck, then why are we doing this?" That is a pretty powerful statement. I mean for many of us chruch doesn't seem to work because it doesn't give us the answers hat we desperately need at times. We don't always understand why things happen the way the do and when we try to get answers through the church, they just do not come. The church doesn't help those of us who are hurting and are damaged.
I know people who have walked away from the church because it just doesn't help them after they have been hurt so much. Sometimes the idea of church and a loving God just doesn't seem to fit into many of our lives. When you are hurting and damaged you don't want to deal with all the legalism and other things that are involved with certain churches. It's like the grace and love that churches talk about aren't enough when you are going through a lot of pain and heartache. Institutional churches sometimes just aren't enough; they just don't help.
I don't think churches give us the right image of God that those of us who are hurting and damaged need. They only give one aspect of God, the Biblical aspect. When I read "The Shack" I got a different insight to God and I highly suggest everyone read it. But I got a new insight to God and the things that happen around us. At one point in the story the main character helps the Holy Spirit in a garden, which he stated looked like a mess. While there are points in our lives that look like a mess, it looks beautiful to God because he sees the bigger picture that we don't. Institutional churches don't talk about that part of God. They always talk about a merciful God, instead of one that does let bad things happen for a reason.
I just think those of us who are hurting need something specific that most churches can't give and don't try to give. Making us feel like we have to struggle through our hardships on our own.
I know people who have walked away from the church because it just doesn't help them after they have been hurt so much. Sometimes the idea of church and a loving God just doesn't seem to fit into many of our lives. When you are hurting and damaged you don't want to deal with all the legalism and other things that are involved with certain churches. It's like the grace and love that churches talk about aren't enough when you are going through a lot of pain and heartache. Institutional churches sometimes just aren't enough; they just don't help.
I don't think churches give us the right image of God that those of us who are hurting and damaged need. They only give one aspect of God, the Biblical aspect. When I read "The Shack" I got a different insight to God and I highly suggest everyone read it. But I got a new insight to God and the things that happen around us. At one point in the story the main character helps the Holy Spirit in a garden, which he stated looked like a mess. While there are points in our lives that look like a mess, it looks beautiful to God because he sees the bigger picture that we don't. Institutional churches don't talk about that part of God. They always talk about a merciful God, instead of one that does let bad things happen for a reason.
I just think those of us who are hurting need something specific that most churches can't give and don't try to give. Making us feel like we have to struggle through our hardships on our own.
Feb 23, 2009
Belonging
A few years back a friend of mine said something to me that has stuck and still makes me think to this day. He said "fish belong in the sea, birds in the air, where is it you belong." That has been something I have been trying to figure out for so long. How do we know where exactly we belong in this life? We try to identify ourselves with so many things: clothes, friends, hair, relationships, even our faith. I know people who are active within their churches only to say "look at what I am doing" I don't think that is a good way to grow in Christ and figure out where we belong.
I have prayed and searched my soul for years about trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into this world and the answer I have come to is that I am just me. I am the person that God made me to be and there will be times when I will disappoint people or upset them for one reason or another or even offend someone for some reason. But I belong wherever it is that I am. I am just perfect the way I am and I feel like I belong wherever I let my life take me. I think that could be the key to knowing God's will. Praying about it and then letting him lead our lives and take us wherever we go. That takes a lot of trust, and when we trust that much and allow GOd to take control of our lives it is easier to feel like we belong somewhere.
I have prayed and searched my soul for years about trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into this world and the answer I have come to is that I am just me. I am the person that God made me to be and there will be times when I will disappoint people or upset them for one reason or another or even offend someone for some reason. But I belong wherever it is that I am. I am just perfect the way I am and I feel like I belong wherever I let my life take me. I think that could be the key to knowing God's will. Praying about it and then letting him lead our lives and take us wherever we go. That takes a lot of trust, and when we trust that much and allow GOd to take control of our lives it is easier to feel like we belong somewhere.
Feb 20, 2009
Confidence
I actually had to work on this subject for a church board meeting, so I decided to just post what I learned and thought based on the scripture that Pastor gave me and the topic which obviously was confidence. I haven't had much confidence in my life. I'm not really sure why, i just never have. Though lately my confidence level has been rising and again I am not sure what is causing that. Pihilippians 3:4-5 tells us "We put no confidence in human efforts. Instead we boast about what Christ has done for us. Yet I could have confidence in myself if anyone could. If others have reason for confidence in their efforts I have even more." What I think Peter is trying to say with this is that we have confidence in God. When we try to do anything we have God at our sides so we should be confident that God will take care of things.
We cannot try to put confidence in ourselves or even others because we will undoubtedly fail at some point and end up disappointed. When we put our confidence in God, we trust that things will work out the way he wants them too instead of how we want them too. It is not the things that we do or say that gives confidence or even eternal life; but it is our faith in God, trust in Him, and that salvation comes from those things.
We cannot try to put confidence in ourselves or even others because we will undoubtedly fail at some point and end up disappointed. When we put our confidence in God, we trust that things will work out the way he wants them too instead of how we want them too. It is not the things that we do or say that gives confidence or even eternal life; but it is our faith in God, trust in Him, and that salvation comes from those things.
Feb 18, 2009
Prayers
Last year or so I went to a Cancer Treatment Centers of America seminar about counseling those who have been diagnosed with cancer. One of the things that Rev. Percy McCray said really made me think, and it still makes me think. What he said was "We think we can manipulate God with our prayers." I think too often we think we make God answer our prayers. We think we can make what we want to happen simply because we pray to God about it. Other times people would try to bargain with God, something like "If you allow me to have this job I will go to church more" or "I will give more" We will say things we think would make God answer our prayers the way we want them too.
We think simply because the Bible says "ask and ye shall receive" that simply because we ask for it then we will get it. We don't think that God will provide when it is in his time and according to his will. Simply because we want something doesn't mean that we will get it, or that it will happen. We cannot manipulate God into providing what we want simply because we are praying about it. I think we as Christians need to realize that our prayers are asking God for help and guidance, not demanding him of things or a tool to barter with. Prayer is a way to communicate with God and keep our relationship with him strong and grounded.
We think simply because the Bible says "ask and ye shall receive" that simply because we ask for it then we will get it. We don't think that God will provide when it is in his time and according to his will. Simply because we want something doesn't mean that we will get it, or that it will happen. We cannot manipulate God into providing what we want simply because we are praying about it. I think we as Christians need to realize that our prayers are asking God for help and guidance, not demanding him of things or a tool to barter with. Prayer is a way to communicate with God and keep our relationship with him strong and grounded.
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