Giving Thanks for The Bad

Its that time again for me to give thanks for the things in my life.  Instead of doing all the good things I think I am going to do something different.  I have been writing about accepting the bad things in life and realizing the importance of them.  So I am thankful for all things in my life.

Hodgkin’s Lymphoma; I have learned a lot because of it

Struggling with my job while it is difficult now, I know there is light in the end and there is something to learn from this.

Depression: this is something i struggle with and each time I do I become stronger

Gossip: rumors fly no matter where your walk in life has taken you

Past bad relationships:  while in the past I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused, cheated on, put down, I appreciate the relationship I have with Tom all the more

Losing friends: People always tend to go in different directions no matter what.

Finances: this time of age everyone is struggling somehow with finances, while i search for new ways to save money I am learning more of budgetting and new ways to keep some of that paycheck

Life isn’t always aboout just the good things in life.  Everything isn’t always peaches and rainbows.  There are some bad things in life whether we want to accept them or not.  I have decided to accept the bad things for what they are: inevitable and beyond my control.  And I am thankful for that.

Appreciation

As you all know I have been reading a book that has been making me thing.  Most of my posts have been about what I was reading and how it is changing some of my thoughts.   I think alot of the times when we go through a phoenix process; we might not even know it.  At the moment when we are in our dark times; we don’t realize the changes that are being made and the good things that could come from it.  In fact I don’t think we realize it until years later.

In the past I have had my share of difficult times, and honestly I wasn’t ready to go through my phoenix process until years later.  I have been in numerous bad relationships where I was abused emotionally, physically, and sexually.  At the time I didn’t understand why I needed to go through the things that I went through.  I didnt understand the doors that would be open to me later in my life and I continued to make decisions that were not the smartest of ones because of the relationships I was in.  Everything we do effects the future no matter what.

In the past I was never treated right.  I think about the things I was put through and I wonder how I made it through and how I could possibly be willing to give my heart to someone else.  Maybe it’s my Idealist personality that believed I would be treated the way I deserved sometime.  I cannot tell you how bad I wanted to find someone that fit the “profile” of what I thought would be my dream guy. 

Last night while I was laying with Tom watching the Steeler game at Sean’s house, I realized all the pain and heartache I have been though makes me appreciate him more.  I want to do everything I can to make him feel appreciated and not take him for granted.  In all honesty I have never been treated as good as Tom treats me.  I have never felt so special and “luffed” as I do when I am with him, well even when I’m not.  The past hurts were worth it to have someone so wonderful and so special in my life.  I see why I needed to go through the hardships and pains that I have in other relationships.  If I wasn’t treated so badly, I wonder would I appreciate Tom as much as I do?  Would I notice the little things as much as I do?   The way he looks at me makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world…I’ve never had that.

Looking back on the past I realize now how important it is to accept the bad that has happened in life and not forget about it.  I know I am never going to forget the difficult times in my life.  They have made me a better person and taught me to appreciate the little things in life.  Its the little things, the simple things in any aspect of life, not just a relationship that matters.

Thanksgiving

I know I said I would try to do this more often, and I kind of slipped away from it.  But I would like to get back into doing a weekly post of the things I am thankful for in my life.

Random txt messages from a wonderful boyfriend

The support of family

Being healthy and the things I learned from my diagnosis

“Pocket Sushi” “Hey hey hey” and other inside jokes with friends

The random sound of my cat purring at 3am

The smell after fresh fallen rain

Talents that God has blessed me with

Seeing progress in the children I work with

A church I don’t feel judged in

Meeting new people each and every day

There are so many things throughout life that we should be thankful for.  It’s hard to pull out just a few things.  I have learned through my hardships and difficult times that you need to find things to be thankful for and to look forward to having in your life.  What are some of the things  you are thankful for?

Who I Am

In a post I wrote a few weeks ago I asked myself who am I?  Who is this person typing these posts, who I see in the mirror?  It’s a serious question, one I didn’t take lightly when I seek out the answer, and I continue to search for the answer.  Its a never ending quest.  Not just for me but all of us, we are constantly learning new things about ourselves and new things about who we are as people and in the roles we play.

The roles I play are common: daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, employee, TSS, niece, grand-daughter, cousin.  But I am also a writer, poet, singer, avid reader, idealist and so much more.  I realized the other day that there is more to me than I give myself credit for let alone what other people give me credit for.  Who I am is made up of so many different things, it isn’t what I look like or what I do.  It’s who I am and how I present myself to others in a sense.  If I constantly mask who I am from the people around me then it is easier to lose sight of who the real Jenn is.  The real Jenn has always been compassionate, but I lost some of my compassion, patience and other things.

I have lost contact with who the real me is and I didn’t realize it.  It took something drastic and tragic to happen for me realize I needed to do something different and find myself again.  The past month or so I have been working learning myself once more.  I have learned new things about myself and ventured out to try new things to learn who I am.  And honestly I am happy with the person that I am, not the person I was.  I am who I am and I happy with it…

A Real Connection

I read something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  I stopped reading and sat back to start writing this blog.  What I read said “It’s a deeper life.  A life of connection to people on a more real level.”  I sit here thinking about the connections I have with the people in my life are they real?  Or something else.

The quote above is a part of a woman’s story of overcoming a hardship she had in her life.  I think many times we go through these hardships and hard times so that we can strengthen the connections we have with people.  Since being diagnosed with cancer and then told I was cured, I know my connections with people in my life have been different.  Some are so much stronger, deeper and as the woman said, more real.  We go through awful things to learn how to live a new life and become more connected with the people in our lives because we come to realize how important they are to us.

Our connections to the people in our lives get stronger get…more personal when we allow them into our lives during the struggles.  The people who were there every step of the way during my cancer are the people I feel the closest to while those who turned away the connection…doesn’t seem as real.  Even the connections I have made afterwards..there are some that feel like the level is more real than others and I’m not sure why that is.  It is easier for me to allow people in and get a better glimpse of who I am and what makes me tick.  Through all our hardships and happy times, it’s the connection to those around us that matters.  Even when we feel we need space and don’t want to talk to people…we need to keep those connections alive before the fade and become less real.

Spiritual Gems

 Alot of the time when we go through something we don’t realize the things we learn.  The gems we find within our difficult times.  The book I am reading says something interesting about the spiritual gems that we find throughout our difficult periods.  “Nothing that happens is to be ignored.  Everything requires attention and mindfulness.  There are spiritual gems to be recovered from the difficult challenges.”  We need to pay attention to everything we are going through whether it is good or bad.  I think too often we want to pay attention to the good and accept the good going on in our lives, but we never pay attention to the difficult things happening in our lives.

We all go through things in life, things that are difficult and hard to find the light through.  While we go through these things we need to look up and pay attention.  We need to stand strong and face everything head on whether or not we are afraid of what would happen or not.  We need to pay attention and see what we can learn from these difficult times through a mindful understanding.  The things we learn through our difficult times and the ways we change through them are spiritual gems.  Too often we try to hide and bottle the bad stuff up only to have it all explode on us ten times worse.  We cannot ignore things that are happening to us.  We need to accept things for the way they are   and accept it all as is.

We never know how important it is to surrender to the things life grants us whether it is good or bad.  We only understand the full importance when we go through a difficult period.  We will still try to hide things, but we will begin to learn the importance everything holds in our lives and we will begin to surrender ourselves to everything.

Fear

How often do we don’t do something because we are too afraid?  Too often we miss out on things in life because we are afraid to step out of our comfort zones or to try to do something out of the ordinary for us.  There is a quote from a rabbi “Fear is a sneaky thief; stealing away precious moments of life.”  If we allow it fear will take away so much of our lives.

We are afraid to try for that other job, ask that pretty girl out, try a new hobby, or even afraid of an illness we or someone we love may have.  While we are at home afraid to venture out, precious moments fly by.  We miss the possible memories we could be making.  Too often our struggles and hardships cause us to become fearful of various things in life.  I think sometimes when we go through a hardship we have a hard time bringing ourselves out of it because we are afraid of it happening again, of failing, or having to struggle all over again.

Our fears keep us from the finer things in life.  I have my fears with relationships because of my past, if I allowed my fears to take control I would have missed out on someone simply wonderful.  Fear cannot rule our lives and we can’t allow it to.  But how exactly do we keep fear from ruling our lives?

Better Nature

Sometimes through our hardships and struggles we learn things about ourselves.  We learn our true selves, who we really are like I mention in an earlier post.  I think a lot of the times we get so wrapped up in daily life, the things we NEED to do like work, bills, grocery shopping, etc that we lose grasp of who we really are.

A rabbi named Yehudah Fine made the statement the “even in the black depths of pain and despair, their struggles could give birth to their better natures.”  When we are in that depth of despair and heartache we struggle not just with whatever is happening in our lives but also with ourselves.  I think when we are in the black pit we are forced to see ourselves for who and what we really are, and a lot of the time we don’t like what we see.  The more we struggle the more we learn about ourselves and learn to accept who we are.  I think that is part of the acceptance that opens doors.  When we accept our true selves then more doors open.

We go through the process of being reborn through our struggles and tribulations.  We learn the true nature of ourselves and sometimes through the process of being reborn we become better people in some form or another.  We become a new person because of our struggles and hardships.  I know through my hardships I have learned new things and feel like I have been reborn into a better nature.  A better outlook on life, better understanding, better…well everything.  I think thats what all of our hardships do.  We don’t see it but they teach us things, sometimes though we are unwilling to learn.