Forgiveness

I did something today that was incredibly hard.  Something I didn’t think I would be able to do and took all the strength I had  in me to do….I forgave my rapist.  I needed to let go of the pain and hurt that still haunts me after so many years.  It was the hardest thing to do.  To say I forgive him for raping me.  Forgive him for taking what was not his.  By no means am I forgetting it or saying that by forgiving him it was somehow okay.  I just forgive him….and honestly I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Testimony

Today in Bible Study we were talking about testimonies and some of the people there talked about theirs.  One lady found Christ through her son’s death, one pastor found Christ while injured and more, but that got me thinking about my own “faith story” as Pastor Paul called it.

I grew up knowing God and learning about him from mom and granma lute.  I thought I was strong in my faith with God, but I came to realize I wasn’t.  When I was in my freshman year of college I was faced with many trials at once.  I had girls who were trying to make my life harder by spreading rumors, lashing out at me, one girl even had a private detective following me.  Before all of that happened, I was raped.  A man who I thought cared about me spiked me drink and took what was not his.  I felt worthless, unlovable, dirty, used, tainted, and more.  I blamed myself, hated myself and couldn’t feel God with me, when in fact I shut him out.

The church I was going to at the time went to a show called “Heaven’s Gates, Hells Flame.”  At the end of the show I realized I have never accepted Christ into my life, and it brought me to tears…

Weekly Thanks

Its that time again.  I think I am going to make my weekly thanks post, on fridays, so you can expect friday’s posts to be about giving thanks and things I am grateful in life for.  Today I am going to do something different.  Sure it is good to see what I am thankful for, but what are some other people thankful for?  I asked some of my friends what they are thankful for and this is what they had to say:

that I have the love of so many wonderful people like you and my kids and others despite my flaws and weaknesses” – my friend Terry

my husband” – my best friend Donya

My three littles and YOU” – Casey

Cheese” – my brother  (ok cheese is good and you can be thankful for it)

Family -- Daddy

God and facebook” – college roomie and friend Lindsey

My healthy children” – My friend from high school Shannon

Public restrooms and soft toilet paper – my friend Chris (yea small things make him happy)

My children, husband and church – my momma

Alot of the people in my life have chosen the same thing: family in one shape or form.  Others like my brother and Chris choose more simplistic and albeit odd things like soft toilet paper.  But its those things that you can be thankful for and appreciate.  Imagine if you didnt have toilet paper let alone soft.  When you did get it, you would appreciate it all the more.  Just think about that a minute….

 

Trusting God

There are times in our lives when we don’t trust God.  When we try to do things on our own or, we simply just don’t put our trust in God and what he does for us.  I know in my life there have been times when I didn’t trust in God.  But one thing that I keep realizing over and over again (I don’t know why I don’t remember it I should by now) is when I don’t trust in God things never go right, things fall apart, and my life is everything but relaxed and easy going.  It seems like its one thing after another, one worry, two stresses, and countless sleepless nights.

Then the moment I say “ok God you take the wheel” everything falls into place.  Things work themselves out and things happen that are unexplained or surprising.  For example my current job has three different wages depending on what I am doing.  Travel gets one wage, being with the client is another and training is yet one more.  Well I am still in training so I was expecting the training/meeting wage.  I have been worried about finances the past few weeks because I am going from one job to another.  Today I found out the hours I worked are not considered training but billable, the wage I get when with a client simply because no other TSS is with him.  So I get 3 hours at a different rate giving me a little bit more money, and the same goes for my hours next week.

I gave my finances up to God, and it worked out.  I thought I was close to being in the hole this week and when i checked last night I had enough to pay for bills I needed and then have money left over for gas.  God is providing for me in one way or another, because I am trusting in him.  Because I am giving him control, glory and honor in all things of my life, just not the places that I want him to be in.

True Love

There was a time in my life that I have felt that I would never find true love, that I wouldn’’t find the kind of love that I read about in Song of Solomon.  I honestly was beginning to lose hope.  I didnt think I would find what I was dreaming of.  Then I stopped looking.  I decided to try and focus on myself and becoming a better person.  Then I found it…in Casey; everything we have is waht I have been looking for in a relationship/man.

The purpose of love and relationships aren't to get what you want, but to do what you can to please the other person even if it means sacrificing something of yourself. Compromise is so important in a relationship. Its a solution that makes both parties happy, other times relish in doing something the other wants...is that so bad to endulge in something your lover likes to do? Support...be supportive of one another. Song of Solomon says we should be a refuge place not a place of stress for someone we love. We should be the one person our true love can come to and depend on and trust for strength when they are weak.

Song of Solomon also address the subject of sex and intimacy. Solomon says "Promise me....not to awaken love until the time is right" (2:7). Love creates emotions a desires that are natural, but too often people are in a hurry to build a relationship and have a certain intimacy that takes time. We need to take the time to get to know someone to love them for who they are learn what it means to truly love another as God loves us. Love needs to grow before one turns to imtimacy which is way God designated something so imtimate as sex for marriage alone. We cannot force that level of inimacy or rush it...it needs to come naturally and slowly. Not at our pace like everything else in this world.

Answered Prayers

We all pray to God for one reason or another.  Some things can be big prayers and other simple like getting a new job.  There are time when God does not answer our prayers and when he doesn’t it may seem like he isn’t listening to us and our cries.  But he does answer prayers in his time.  I have prayed for a new job for a few months and finally got a good one that is better suited for me.

There are other things in life that God has answered prayers for, some small and miniscle.  But there are other ones that are life changing.  I have been looking back on my life and I have been seeing the things in my life that have been answers to prayers even if I knew it or not.  Everything happened to me for a reason and I know that.  I see things were answers to my prayers.  Just because I wanted something and I didn’t get it the way I thought doesn’t mean that my prayer didn’t get answered. 

I tend to think that prayers are never unanswered but answered differently than we expect.  I pray to find the man of my dreams and that I’d marry one man.  I didn’t marry him, but years later I find someone who is a better fit to the dreams I have.  I didnt get a new job months ago because the right one wasn’t open yet.  Prayers get answered, but just not the way we expect.  When we look back on things we’ll see that things are answered in different ways.

Weekly Thanks

Time again to look at my life and give thanks for the things in my life no matter how big or how small.  Doing this I have learned a lot of different things because I have looked hard at my life looking at things I take for granted and realized that I take a lot of things for granted, like having hot water to shower with.  Things like that that we don’t think of but we should be thankful for.

Clean water to drink

Smile on a child’s face

My car..being able to pay for it

Smell of fresh cut grass or new fallen snow

Stars twinkling in the sky:  shooting stars

Parents who love me, a brother I’d do anything for

The softness of my cat’s fur (I love when she curls up near my head when I sleep)

Music…just in general…life would be boring without music

My best friend…to elaborate would take too long

Memories: good and bad

My boyfriend: no words can describe why I am thankful for him

My mistakes….I’ve learned from some, others..not so much.

I think too often we have a hard time looking at our life and being thankful for everything we have.  This is the perfect time of year to just sit back and think about what we are thankful for.  Things we tend to take for granted, and not appreciate.  When we do that, I think half the things wrong in life don’t seem so bad when we realize what we truly have.

Resolutions

Every year people make new years resolutions and there was a time when I did too, but not so much anymore.  Many times when people make resolutions it is something to improve themselves, change about themselves, but I don’t want to change anything about myself.  I am happy the way God made me.  So instead my resolutions, or rather hopes for the new year are a little different.  I strive to make life better, not just for myself but for those around me.  For example I want to make more memories with friends and family.

Sure I want to get a little out of debt this year (appears I can get my credit card paid off this year).  But while I am in debt I am happy, I like paying attention to the little things, so one of my resolutions is to stop and smell the roses more…literally.  To enjoy the sunset more, fine ways to show Casey he matters.  Most of all one of my resolutions is to walk closer to God.  To see his hand in all aspects of my life, not just the ones I want to see, or can plainly see.  I plan to pray more, read/study more, question more, research more.  I believe when I focus more on God and his plan for my life the other things will start to fall into place once again.

Everything seemed to get disheveled, and I am starting to think it is because I took my focus off of God.  Its time to get my focus back to where it belongs.  Things are already looking up they can only get better.

New Year

It has finally come, the new year.  Last year seemed to have come and gone pretty quickly and was overall a good year.  Sure there was some ups and downs, but what year is always good or always bad?  Sometimes you just need to take the good with the bad and realize that it is all worth it in the end to look back and reflect on how it has changed you.  I know the bad things in the past year happened for a reason; some I saw the reason short-terms others will have long-term effects.

This past year I have made so many new memories all the way til the very end of the year 2009.  Sure there was heartache, depression, stress, frustration and more, but those are all a part of life and don’t ruin what the year held for me.  I think back on this past year and see so many things to be thankful for rather than things to be upset over, and why be upset over it rather than leave it in the past?

I am looking forward to this coming year.  I look forward to what blessings God will provide this year, the happiness and memories that will be made as well as the stress I may have to endure and the heartache because it is all life, it is all what God intends for us to go through each day of our lives.  Happy New Year to you all and may it be as wonderful as the last.