Struggling

I read a blog on struggling and how it is actually good for us. 5 Reasons Struggling Is Good For You talks about different reasons why we need to struggle through life sometimes. We get depressed and struggle through the depression, but maybe that is something we need to deal with because it will help us grow in our faith and as people. Struggles teach us different things, and maybe we can learn something from the depression we all deal with. We all have stuggles in life and sometimes those struggles can lead to depression, and depression can get out of control sometimes and many times we cannot see that those struggles can change things. Could change our lives.

I think while we are in our depression, we tend to focus on ourselves and how we feel, but at the same time there are moments when we realize how much we mean to other people. For example Pastor said the church would be missing an element if I would leave, and that made me feel like I mattered somewhere. That maybe just maybe I am not a disappointment to God and those around me. 5 Reasons Struggling Is Good shows that while we may be dealing with a certain struggle, God has a plan for the struggle and right now we may not see what it is. I may not understand what reason there is for me to deal with this depression is, but I know God can and will use it for good.

Struggling will always make us stronger, not weaker which is one thing that I am trying to focus on. I am going to pull through this depression stronger not weaker than I was before I entered it. And I think that is how it is with many of us. God will make us stronger through the depression, doubt, heartache whatever else we may dealing with at different points in our lives.

Mother Teresa: Depression

I was just reading Mother Teresa: Faith, Depression, and The Work of God, an article I found online. It talked about depression and how even Mother Teresa felt doubt within her faith and there were times when she didn't feel the presence of God. Even though she felt that depression and doubt she still persevered and did the work of God. She even questioned whether or not the work she did mattered or changed lives and I found that to be so amazing. Of course she wouldn't be immune to depression! She was human after all, but she still persevered through it. She pushed through the depression and doubt because of her faith in God.

The article mentions that the story of Mother Teresa shows us that we are human, we are subject to doubt, depression and these other feelings because the only person to every be immune to tat could have been Christ, but could there have been a time when he was depressed? But no matter, if Mother Teresa was still able to push through her feelings of distress to do God's work, why can't we do the same thing? Why couldn't we focus on God and His work because that is basically the reason we do everything for? She related the experience in Calcutta to being in Hell. How many of us do that with our own lives, and we havent seen the horros and things that Mother Teresa has seen?

Mother Teresa: Faith, Depression, and Gods Work is a short article but it spoke volumes to me. I have admired the works the she did with the poor and the sick, and to know she battled depression while doing it makes me admire her even more. She didn't do her work for herself, but for God and I think that is an important component to battling depression is live each day and do each thing for God.

Shutting Down

Lately I felt like I have gone into like a shut down mode because of all the stress that has been going on lately. I am already quiet, but lately I have gotten a lot more quiet and generally only talk to certain people. I just like retreated back into my bubble of solitude because it feels like I am dealing with too much right now, even though I know the Bible says God will not give us more than we can handle, but right now it feels like it's too much. The stress is really taking it's toll on me, I can't sleep, hardly eat, can't think though I am trying hard to LOL.

I have prayed, but sometimes it just feels like it isn't working or worth it to try, and I know that is so wrong, but I am having a hard time with everything. I am working my way out of this valley of depression and stress related issues. I am looking at different volunteer opportunities to help get me out of the house and doing things other than sitting here thinking everything over. It is so hard when it's like one thing after another in life and you feel so alone. I know I'm not alone, and God is there with me, but there are times that it feels like I am alone.

So I basically am sitting here in shut down mode, letting myself be quiet and just go through the emotions until everything works itself out. My friend Jason made me look at him on Sunday as he told me everything will be okay and I will get through this before he gave me a hug. Sometimes a hug is so helpful especially a strong hug from him LOL. oy vey. Just pray for me/with me.

Insight Writer

I was just reading a dear friend's (Jeremy) blog Insight Writer. If you haven't read it you really should because he is insightful duh hence insight writer right. But Jeremy was talking about being at a cross roads in life and he said something that I thought was really interesting and got me thinking. He said: Some of the greatest advancements of mankind have come through dreamers. Men and women who thought the present could look very different in the future. People who weren’t afraid to try. Many times we are so incredibly focused on the future that we allow it to effect the present instead of letting the present effect the future. Others tend to live in the past not wanting to walk ahead when faced with a cross roads of sorts.

Sometimes I think we are always at a Y in the road each day because our decisions do make a difference to our futures. Like Jeremy says our decisions have consequences sometimes they are consequences that we want other times it is consequences that makes everything even harder. I think Carrie talked about this not to long ago too more of people being at their Y and just not making a decision. Like the quote above from Jeremy there are times when people are afraid of what the future may hold, and to honest I was there at one point in my life, sure it was when I was dealing with the cancer.

But Jeremy goes on to say the decision whatever it may be is his decision without any influences, and goodness how many times do we let outside influences effect our decisions and what we do? I know when I think about my choices I think about how it will effect others and they tell me their input but in all honesty like Jeremy said it always comes down to my choice. Sometimes we make mistakes, but those mistakes help us learn and make better decisions for what we do or don't do with our lives. I just love reading Jeremy's words, and I think you all should too.

Chasing shadows in the dark
Drives me mad; only to collapse
Blinded with tears; fears eat awayat my soul
Demons emerge in the night

My soul cries out, but no sounds
Dark abyss swallows me whole
Nowhere is safe
Fighting shadows; destined to fail

Desperate to be free; forever trapped
Demons cry out my name
Darkness engulf everything
Fears feed off each other

Lies penetrate hopes and happiness
Can't turn away; can't hide
Can I simply will the pain away?

Chasing shadows; demons hide
can't hide, can't close my eyes
nowhere is safe, destined to fail
destined to be destroyed; by my own demons

Random Messages

Today I came home and found a message on my myspace page from someone I do not know. He saw I was friends with Jeremy, Jason, Sarah, and Crystal and told me I had to be a strong wonderful person to be friends with them because they are great people which I totally agree with. There is no one better than they are. But anyway. He went on to say that he read my blogs and thought I had great insight and it showed my faith in God was strong and that he commends me on my faith and dealing with the things I have.

The thing is I have no idea who this man is. I have never met him, he only sent me a message because he knows some of the same people that I do. And...lately I have been feeling like I have been disappointing God. As if I have been a let down not only to Him, but also to everyone around me. It's not exactly the greatest feeling to have that you are letting down not just your friends and family but that you are letting God down. I know God has this ultimate plan for me and I know as of right now, I may not be living up to that plan and it does bother me. I have been motivated recently to change some things in my life and start doing some other things.

After talking to Jeremy the other night, I am taking different actions to get a good job and pursue my dreams. I am looking into other opportunities like volunteering at Acquire The Fire this year. I know those will not make these feelings go away but it is a start. I cannot just sit at home and think that I am letting God yet not do anything about it. I think there are times when God does something to poke us in the butt and say HEY listen up. I have a feeling that is what the random message was. God's way of saying I am NOT letting him down, that I just need to get myself moving. He does things like that in all of our lives and too often, I don't think we pay much attention when he does that.

Too often we are looking for God to do these big huge signs that he is around and still listening/caring about us, but maybe..just maybe we need to start looking at the small things. There can be more of God's actions within the small things throughout life than there are in the big life changing events.

Progress

This week has been so full of stress and heartache. I had my fears about somethings, and those fears presented themselves to be true. Someone who claimed to love me, didn't actually love me and used me for whatever purpose and I cannot figure out why. I don't have closure over the end of the relationship and at this point whatever. It seems cowardly to me, but some men are like that. It does depress me more and make me feel like a fool for allowing him into my life and my heart. I am tired of people toying with my heart and emotions. I am tired of being loyal and open and honest with people only to have it fall in around me. Why is it so hard for me to find someone who will treat me with the respect that I deserve?

Right now I am starting to feel like I am not good enough. That there must be something wrong with me to not be able to find someone who would treat me the way Song of Solomon says a man should treat a woman. Like when would it all end? When would I find the person that God has set out for me? I just want to be able to find someone to spend my life with and someone who will want to share his life with me, share his happiness the way I want to share mine. I thought I had someone who cared about me, said things to me only to have it all fall in around me, only to find out he lied the whole time.