Fears

So we all have fears there is no denying that right?  Sometimes those fears are rather irrational and a lot of the time based on past experience.  Fear is basically a common element in life and there doesn’t seem to be a way around it or away from it.  Is there?  What can one person do to get away from their fears and get rid of them?

What can one person do about their fears especially when their fears seem to begin to eat them up?  I admit I have my fears about many different things.  A lot of my fears deal with the things I have been put through in the past.  Who hasn’t allowed their past experiences to cause them fears.  I admit some of the past hurts are affecting me and somewhat biting me on the butt.

In the past I have always been the back-burner, lost and forgotten.  Never important to someone.  But now….with Tom, I feel so important.  Feel like I am finally valued and important to someone.  I have to honestly say I don’t think a guy has ever treated me this way before, that I am the most important person to him. 

I love Tom with all my heart.  And I guess laying myself on the line and allowing someone to have all my heart and all my trust, being somewhat completely vulnerable; its hard to do that and not have fears.

Thank You

So each week or the weeks I remember (so bad of me to forget i know) I give thanks for the things that I am thankful for and generalize like friends and family.  This week I will do something a little different.  I am going to give thanks for specific people who I am thankful to have within my life.

My mom; her strength is amazing

My brother Brandon; I don’t know if he realizes it but he has helped me through so much

Daddy; here is a man who took in two teenage kids and raised them as his own.

Melissa: we are so a like in so many ways, she makes me laugh when I need to and is always there

Tom: he is the most amazing man I have met, I now know how it feels to really be loved.

Pastor Paul: he is such a wonderful spiritual leader that I know I can go to with anything.

Uncle Larry; before he passed away he taught me so many things and still does as I look back on his life

Donya: She is another person who has been there for me through many different things and means a lot to me.

Brian:  Even though we have somewhat split ways, he is still an important person to me and I miss his friendship

Lau: she is like my sister in a another country I learned a bunch of things from her.  I miss her so much.

There are so many people in our lives that mean a lot to us and we need to give them thanks from time to time.  WIthout the important people in our lives helping us through this journey called life where would we be?

Needing God

I have been reading C.S Lewis’ “A Grief Observed” this weekend, its not all that long, I started it Friday and I have it almost finished.  But there are so many things within it that Lewis says that makes a lot of sense when you read it.  At one point he talks about needing God when we are going through a hardship like grief (which could be grief over many different things).

He says “When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing him…but go to him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain…a door slammed in your face.”  What he said is right, too often when we are happy and have no struggles we don’t feel the need for God, too many people tend to put Him to the back burner and not come to Him until they are struggling.  The slamming door Lewis talks about, isn’t so much of God slamming the door on us, or turning his back to us.  It is more of us wanting a response right away, right when we turn to Him and not thinking or remembering that God responds  in His own time not our own.

Too often we think like Lewis was that when are in a time of need God seems to turn his back.  It may seem that way because of our own selfishness.  We commonly ask “where was God in my hardships?”  What we don’t realize is that when we need God the most, that is when He is with us the most. God is always there, and it makes me think of the poem Footprints when the man asked God about the footprints and He said “That is when I carried you.”  We think we are going through our hardships alone, but that is when God is carrying us.  Why is that we don’t realize that?

Giving Thanks

I know I have been lacking lately in the blogging aspect of things, but I have been so busy and I am working on being more disciplined in it.  There are things throughout live that I am thankful for and once a gain here are some of those things.

Cheesy as it is:  love.  Being in love and being loved.

More cheese:  being held in Tom’s arms, its well perfect

PuffPuff: she is so soft, and I love when she meows at me when I talk to her.

Festivals: they are so much fun and a lot of the time you can learn from them

Friends/Family: they mean the world to me and I don’t know what I would do without any of them.

Popeye:  Tom’s cat.  His energy as a kitten is so cute and the things he does makes me laugh

My Clients:  The kids I work with help remind me about the importance of being young and holding onto whatever I can to keep me young.

Fall: the colors are so beautiful and the weather is just nice

Popcorn….what is there to say yummy

Milk…does a body good….no really sometimes a nice glass of cold milk hits the spot.  and Tom makes awesome choco milk :D

ZombieFest

This past Sunday I got to experience something different…ZombieFest in Pittsburgh.  It is exactly how it sounds, people dressing as Zombies and pretty much hanging out for the day in Market Square.  Okay so there was concerts and contests at the end of the night there was a zombie walk also.  This year we beat the world record for number of zombies in one place: 4700 to be exact.

I went with Tom, of course.  It was a chance to do something I normally wouldn’t have done on my own.I got the chance to watch Tom do some of the work he does and be a part of it..I was his model and took pictures for his portfolio.

Normally we always try to do things that fit into our comfort zones and try to stay within them.  I don’t think it’s healthy to live that way, sometimes we need to push ourselves to break those zones and try something new, experience something different.  I had so much fun at the Zombie Fest, and knowing me….4700 people around me normally would mean a panic attack of some sort, but it didn’t happen.  The more I put myself slightly outside of my comfort zone the less panic attacks I have.  I grow as a person and in mental health so to speak.

I think we need to get out of our comfort zones, it’s not that bad of a thing to break out and learn something new.  If it is something that can help us grow then why are we all afraid of it?

Love

I heard something a little while ago on the show HOUSE, the details of the show I cannot remember, but that’s not important.  There was a line in the show where the husband said something along the lines of “shouldn’t you love her more today than the day you married her?” in response to a doctor saying that he loved his wife as much as he did the day he married her.

That line got me thinking about love and falling in love.  I don’t think a person completely falls, and that it is a constant process.  When two people honestly love each other I don’t think they ever end falling in love.  You may realize you love someone but everyday that love should grow more.  The more time I spend with Tom, the more I fall in love with him.  I see him for everything that he is. 

To me falling in love, and having fallen in love is the same thing because the falling never ends.  Either way you are in love with that person.  Maybe I have an idealist outlook on love and how it should be, but honestly I think love should just continue to grow and be like your heart is going to jump out of your chest until you tell that special person that you love them.