Backpack

Several years ago, when I was in my first year of college.  It was about December of 2001 or so.  My friend Heather told me she had the perfect guy for me.  He was sweet and intelligent.  We spoke on the phone a few times and agreed to meet up.  His name was Joe and he was a couple years older than me, I don't exactly remember.  When we were alone he was sweet and told me how sweet I was and all the cute things girls want to hear. Once with his family I was the perfect girlfriend. But when we were with his friends, it was different.  I was invisible.  Soon he began to make stupid jokes, hurtful jokes.  One was about me being a backpack: "the good kind though like a Jansport."  All because when we were together I liked to hold his hand or sit beside him when out to dinner.  He soon became a jerk; borderline abusive.  He was my first abusive relationship.  The first guy to make me feel terrible about myself and wish I was someone else.  First one to cause me to really second guess myself.

When I actually think back to when most of my insecurities began (despite the daddy issues I also have) I come back to this.   He was my first "boyfriend" so to speak if you can really call him that because we only went out when he wanted to, when it was convenient for him.  I wasn't good enough for anything else other than a girl that was there when he needed one.  I didn't see it at the time and I don't know why I didn't .  Maybe  I didn't want to think that he wasn't all that into me, that he was just using me for whatever weird purpose.

The Zahir

I recently read a book called "The Zahir" by Paulo Coehlo, one of my favorite authors.  Within it the author talked about getting rid of past stories in order for the energy of love to flow through our lives.  We hold on to a lot of things in our past and the in turn effects our present day lives and relationships.  In the novel he talks about how daily life and our past stories interrupt the path of love.  Soon conversations become "wait til tomorrow" things were something is always more important than the conversations of our loved ones.

There are things in life that we become obsessed with and those things overrule our lives.  I know for my self there are things that rule my life even though they happened in the past.  Things I wish I could get out of my mind and out of my life.  I wonder if as Coelho said in his book if I tell my stories enough and get them out of my system, my life then love would flow through better and easier.  I would understand love and life in a different facet than I already do because I am still holding onto those pains and stories of the past regardless of whether the stories are good or bad.  How can I move forward if I am still holding on to those things?  How if y past faults and insecurities are still ruling my life?

I think I am going to attempt to tell my story and open the door for the energy of love to flow and for me to understand love on a different level.  I want to see if Coelho is correct and I can get rid of the Zahir in my life and be able to focus my energy and properly love Tom without my past coming back to haunt me and mess with my mind.