What Is Real?

There have been days when i have sat here wondering…what is real?  Is there any point to everything I try to do in life?  I struggle and strive just just a hint of happiness and it seems like when I have a small bit of it, it is just taken away.  Its like everyone and everything around me is fake, I even feel like there are times when I just act like things are okay when in reality they aren’t.  At least not for me.

Is there even such as thing as “real”?  Like what is it?  What is real?  Is it different for you than it is for me?  How do i know that what is real for me…is actually real?  There are times when nothing at all seems to be real and like I am just going through the motions so to speak.  Whose to say what I feel isnt real.  I mean who’s to say what my clients says she sees isn’t actually there just because we cant see it?

How can one tell the difference between reality and perception of reality?  One of my favorite bands Identity X full length album is titled “Perception is Reality.”  Could the guys of Identity X be right that whatever you perceive to be real, is in fact reality?

Thanksgiving

Its that time of year again.  Thanksgiving where we sit around the table and eat til our hearts content.  This is this season where the pounds pack on because of all the food we eat from Thanksgiving dinner to Christmas cookies, to hot dogs and saurkraut for good luck of course.  That being said, I thought I would go through the things that I am thankful for, since I said I would do that weekly anyway.

My family first and foremost

Laughter of small children

the softness of my cat

my health…I could have lost it all

Friends who care

Talents God has granted me

Music…

Literature and the ability to read it

The luxury of owning my own car

A warm home and food on my table

Meeting new people.

What is it that you are thankful for and that keeps you going day after day?

Comfort Zone???

I am going insane with how I am feeling right now, I just want it gone.  Sometimes it is hard to break free from the clutches of depression just like it is hard to break free from dancing with the devil.  If we stay in the dance with the devil too long, the darkness that follows him will undoubtedly envelope us as well.  We’re trapped.  Sometimes….sometimes it feels like I don’t want to break through, that I feel comfortable in a depression, more like myself…but thats not a good feeling to have, not a good place to be.

I have to ask myself why would I want to remain in a state of depression? What does it do for me other than make me feel worse? But at the same time if the things I think are what I am used to believing…it’s almost like a comfort zone thing.  Like I don’t know who I am when I am not depressed.  Is that part of staying in this dance with the devil?  The longer I stay spinning with him, the more natural it feels.

The maddening thoughts in my head are things I do believe about myself so when I try to tell myself differently, or others tell me differently it’s like a lie.  Like its hard to grasp what is actually true, what others say or what is being said to myself.  It goes back to my comfort zone thought, I am comfortable with what I think, it’s what I know and how I deal with things.  To me things appear one way, when I guess in reality are different….or are they?

Dancing With The Devil

At one point or another in all our lives, we all dance with the devil.  We have kind of a tango going, he leads and many times we follow.  We listen to the tune he strings and tend to tune out the song God sings in our ears/hearts.  We let him in and we dance his dance throughout our lives.  Sometimes we wake up and stop the dance with the devil and dance with God instead. 

There are times when we allow him to spin his lies about our lives, our walk with God, about our motives and so much more.  We allow him to tell us lies about ourselves and what we are worth.  When we dance with the devil and he spins us around in his lies.  I think right now I am dancing with the devil which fuels my depression.  When we get into this dance it can be hard to forget the footsteps and walk away.

Depression

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, a lot of contemplating over things.   I will admit that this week depression has been really knocking me down.  I have been doing okay with fighting it and dealing with it, but this week it has been really attacking me and knocking me down. Its starting to feel like I am failing.

I look at the things I have been through, so much heartache, pain, and struggle.  I have had moments of happiness but for some reason those moments were taken away from me. It almost like I am not meant to be happy.  That I am doomed to live in heartache and be alone...will I be the crazy cat lady with like 20 cats..okay maybe not that many but still a crazy cat lady in the least.

I cant seem to make anything work lately.  Nothing.  I look in the mirror and see nothing of worth.  What do I have to offer?  I feel like there is a void that I cannot seem to fill, i dont know really what would fill it either.

Can I make anyone happy if I can’t seem to make myself happy?  Could Todd have been right that I am for some reason unmarriable? Why do I keep failing at even the simplest of things like making some of my easy dreams come true?

Putting Yourself Out There

Sometimes there comes a time when you wonder if you put too much of yourself out there.  Too much of your heart on the line only to get hurt.  Do we sometimes just set ourselves up to get hurt?  To have our hearts broken by putting ourselves out there, but our hearts on the line?  Just hoping that it wouldn’t be taken for granted to broken.

Its like you put yourself out there, but for what reason?  I know there are times when I should be guarded especially towards one person in particular, but how can you be guarded, and protect your heart when you just keep putting it out there.  Keep showing your heart on your sleeve so to speak.  When you love someone how far is too far out there, too far on the line to put yourself?  How much do you risk being hurt, to be with the one person that you love?  Are the tears worth it?

The Oath

I just finished reading an interesting novel by Frank Peretti called The Oath.  The jist of it is that people became so controlled by their sins that it manifested itself into a dragon.  When they became too far gone, and made excuses about their sins, they were “hooked” through the heart and the dragon killed them.  One man found out the best way to kill it was to have Jesus in your heart.  So the more he prayed the higher advantage he had, but the more cocky he got, the more hooked he got and closer to death he got.

The book got me thinking about our own sins.  How often do we forget about God when we are “engrossed” in our sins.  We make excuses for why we do things even though we know it’s a sin.  We try to justify things only to have it grow larger and larger until we are “hooked” by it. Maybe we don’t have a visible stain on our hearts, but God sees it.  What would happen if our sins manifested themselves into something like a dragon? Would we be able to stop it?  To defeat it with trusting in God and asking forgiveness?  Or will we need more?

I think too often we think  that if we make an excuse then that makes it better or makes it not a sin.  Does that really work?  What purpose does it do other than make us feel better about something?  We try to make one thing into another thing.  We think one small thing stays that small but it only snowballs into something bigger and becomes a dragon like Peretti has in his book.  What do we do when it snowballs?