Backpack

Several years ago, when I was in my first year of college.  It was about December of 2001 or so.  My friend Heather told me she had the perfect guy for me.  He was sweet and intelligent.  We spoke on the phone a few times and agreed to meet up.  His name was Joe and he was a couple years older than me, I don't exactly remember.  When we were alone he was sweet and told me how sweet I was and all the cute things girls want to hear. Once with his family I was the perfect girlfriend. But when we were with his friends, it was different.  I was invisible.  Soon he began to make stupid jokes, hurtful jokes.  One was about me being a backpack: "the good kind though like a Jansport."  All because when we were together I liked to hold his hand or sit beside him when out to dinner.  He soon became a jerk; borderline abusive.  He was my first abusive relationship.  The first guy to make me feel terrible about myself and wish I was someone else.  First one to cause me to really second guess myself.

When I actually think back to when most of my insecurities began (despite the daddy issues I also have) I come back to this.   He was my first "boyfriend" so to speak if you can really call him that because we only went out when he wanted to, when it was convenient for him.  I wasn't good enough for anything else other than a girl that was there when he needed one.  I didn't see it at the time and I don't know why I didn't .  Maybe  I didn't want to think that he wasn't all that into me, that he was just using me for whatever weird purpose.

The Zahir

I recently read a book called "The Zahir" by Paulo Coehlo, one of my favorite authors.  Within it the author talked about getting rid of past stories in order for the energy of love to flow through our lives.  We hold on to a lot of things in our past and the in turn effects our present day lives and relationships.  In the novel he talks about how daily life and our past stories interrupt the path of love.  Soon conversations become "wait til tomorrow" things were something is always more important than the conversations of our loved ones.

There are things in life that we become obsessed with and those things overrule our lives.  I know for my self there are things that rule my life even though they happened in the past.  Things I wish I could get out of my mind and out of my life.  I wonder if as Coelho said in his book if I tell my stories enough and get them out of my system, my life then love would flow through better and easier.  I would understand love and life in a different facet than I already do because I am still holding onto those pains and stories of the past regardless of whether the stories are good or bad.  How can I move forward if I am still holding on to those things?  How if y past faults and insecurities are still ruling my life?

I think I am going to attempt to tell my story and open the door for the energy of love to flow and for me to understand love on a different level.  I want to see if Coelho is correct and I can get rid of the Zahir in my life and be able to focus my energy and properly love Tom without my past coming back to haunt me and mess with my mind.

Sun Swim

Next week one of the stores down here is doing a cancer event called Sun Swim, Athletes for Cancer and I volunteered to help out.  The coordinator Sensi asked me if I would be willing to give my story to the crowd that comes which of course I would be honored to do.  So I am sitting here at the bead shop thinking back, remembering and writing down things I want to say and honestly I don't know what to say.  How can you describe something to people that they don't experience?  How do you tell them about something that is different for every person?  I am finding that writing about my experience with cancer is one of the hardest things for me to do and I am not sure why.  I just cannot seem to put it all into words that I like how it sounds.  I think I am just going to say something along those lines.  That you cannot describe something to people like that but I will try and then tell them about the diagnosis and stuff.

Home

We have been back to the island for about 4 or five days now, and it honestly feels like we have never left.  Today I was driving to a different village and it just felt like something I do every day.  The way of life is more relaxed and carefree.  I do miss a lot of people back home in Pittsburgh, but I feel more motivation and happiness here.  Back in Pittsburgh, sure I was happy, but at the same time I was miserable with stress and uncertainty.  Yes we still have bills while we are down here, sure we have stress due to various circumstances, but it isn't as bad or unbearable as it is in Pittsburgh.   We both thought about moving to Wilmington for various different reasons and I wonder if the feel there would be the same as Pittsburgh.  How does one know where they are meant to live and be happy?  Trial and error?

While I am here on the island surrounded by water, I feel as if I am where I need to be, or at least close.  I know I am happiest when I am near water, and sadly the three rivers aren't cutting it for me, I need something more.  Maybe that was why I was willing to move to California for Jacob even though I knew I wouldn't be happy, or to Myrtle Beach with Nate.  Maybe those desires have lead up to this point of me wanting something more from where I live, some where that I would be at my happiest and not just going through the motions of daily life.  Moving to a different city is a tough decision let alone moving to a different state.  It is a decision that would not only affect me, but also Tom.  One that should not be taken lightly or make without thinking it through.   It is something that could change our lives forever, with no going back.

Life here on the island is more simplistic in numerous different ways, and I wonder if it would be the same if we lived in Wilmington, if not would we be able to transfer the simplicity to life in the city, wherever that city may be.  We will see what time will tell.  But I am loving life right now.

Love Is Patient

I bought the Love Dare today and decided that I am going to go yesterday and do the dares that are in it.  It is supposed to be an aid to help couples love each other better and follow what 1 Corinthians says about love.  I am at Day 1 for the dares and so far it already has me thinking about somethings.  Today's dare is to not say anything negative. As I read the dare I couldn't help but wonder how often do we simply say something negative to the one we love.   When we work to not say anything negative we work to say something positive and therefore the love in our hearts will be reflected.  We have a choice to be positive instead of negative.  We can choose the words that we speak.

Saying something negative especially out of anger diminishes love and stifles it,it doesn't allow love to grow in a natural way.  The Bible says "he who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick tempered exalts folly" Proverbs 14:29.  Today's dare is based on Love is Patient, when we are patient we are slow to anger and therefore slow to say something negative; something we would regret.  When we quick to anger in a situation we say things we don't even think about, things we end up regretting later.  Being patient and slow to anger show mercy and love.  We aren't judging or condemning.  We need to remember that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes; even our spouses.  Being patients helps us understand that and be able to forgive them of their faults.  It allows our spouses to be human and make amends.  Being patient during the small things allow patience during the hard times and bring us closer together rather than pulling us apart.

The author of the "Love Dare" states that patience is "a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing  your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil."  Patience is a choice to control our emotions which in turn allows us to control what is coming out of our mouths.  Today I am making a conscientious choice to think about the words that I say to Tom.  Are the positive or negative?  Am I allowing my emotions to control me, and how I handle things or do I have control over my emotions?   Saying something negative takes the understanding and affection out of a loving and patient relationship.  I know it will be a challenge to not say anything negative and to allow patience to rule instead of anger, but I am willing to work on it and become a better loving person because of it.

Something More

I stated before that I really wanted to move down to the island.  Spend my days as a beach mama because there is a sense if relaxation and simpliciry, whereas in the city its all chaos and stress.   I can see why my cousin just picks up and spends a few days in Myrtle Beach,  though I prefer OBX.

I was thinking and talking to Tom earlier today, I think my desire to move here is partly that I dont want to live in Pittsburgh, possi.cbly not even Pennsylvania.  Ive never really wanted to stay in there.  The tri-village on Hatteras Island has been the first place outside of Pennsylvania that I actually could see myself living and raising a family.

A downfall to that though is the job market is non existant in the  winter months, so what would we do for a job.  Im going to begin saving money and doing what I can to earn a few extra dollars to save.  Tom mentioned a few other pllaces we could look at like Wilmington, Nc which is close enough to the island.  We shall see what the future holds.

Thinking

The past week or so I have been doing a lot of thinking about my future in various forms.  Mainly though it has been where I will spend the rest of my life.  Do I really want to stay in Pittsburgh, or is somewhere else calling my name.   I have been considering living on the island.

There are a lot of factors that go into the decision to move here or stay in Pittsburgh.  Right now all Pittsburgh has that is drawing me is my friends and family.  I know I am more stressed out in the city, there is a simpler way if life down on the island, more relaxed and as I said simplified.  Sure there arw concerns like the hurricanes.  But it alnost becomes a way if life.

I know tom and I are both happier.  Once we got here for the weekend the way we look at each is different, there is more love.  We actually fell asleep cuddling last night.   I wonder if living here would not only change our lives but our relationship.   The more I think of it, the more I want to move here permanently.  Ive been told it would easy for me to find a good job,  possibly even as special ed teacher.

Im going to look into jobs around here just at the possibilities.  And of course discuss with Tom, but we shall see.