Selfish Friendships

So I was reading my dear friend Terry's comment on my last post and his comment got me thinking. He said "The ability to forgive a friend shows you remember what the foundation of a friendship means instead of having a "what have you done for me lately" attitude." Too often that is the attitude we have towards our friends. When a friend asks for a favor, how often do we respond "you owe me"? Why is that no matter who we are around or what we are doing we think of only ourselves? Isn't the point of being someone's friend is to be there for them when they need help? Shouldn't we be willing to lend that helping hand without asking for anything in return?

I know I definitely had some friends that are selfish and made me feel like they were trying to figure out what they would get out of helping me or even hanging out with me. Those are the people that when they get hurt no amount of apology fixes it because THEY got hurt, never mind how the other person in the friendship felt. Yesterday I talked about forgiveness within friendships, and Terry said a lot that goes with what I said. Being able to forgive a friend is understanding we are human we all make mistakes and need to forgive each other. We would want to be forgiven if we make a mistake with a friend right?

It all goes with the selfishness of some friendships. They hold onto the grudge and fester on their own desires and wants that they don't even think about how their actions affect their friends, and whether or not they will lose said friends. Friendships are so much more than what we can and cannot get from them. I think some of us needs to stop and re-evaluate our friendships...I might be doing that.

Friendships

First off let me say I know the picture is from New Year’s but it suits what this blog post is going to be about.  Friendships.  If I had a good picture of me and Melissa or even me and Terry I would put it up but alas I don’t so you get me and Kate. 

But I digress.  Over the past few years I have learned a lot about friendships.  The different kind of friends, the level of friendships, the trust, loyalty and forgiveness one gives to friends.  Throughout the years I have lost many friends, some aquaintances and some very close friends, but I have come to accept that that happens as time goes and lives go off into different directions.  Throughout my journey on my Path of Hope, I have met awesome people like Melissa, Terry, Kate, Sean, Tom, and so many more.  All have taught me many different things.

I have had people ask me why do I continue to forgive friends who have caused me pain (mainly verbally not like physical pain).  I forgive because that’s what friends do.  We will not always have moments of sunshine and unicorns, we will fight and not agree on everything.  And as with all aspects of life things will get said that you regret.  So a true loyal friend…forgives.  Or at least I think so.  I lost a friend recently because he couldn’t forgive me for something I said in August, something I already apologized for.  To a point it bothers me that he would have let something hat was said (in anger and pain) ruin a good friendship especially after I apologized numerous times.  I have accepted that I lost his friendship along with others, I have done what I could.

My friends mean the world to me.  I don’t know where I would be without my friends, some even saved my life: literally.  How can you not be loyal to that?  How can people not be loyal and forgive their friends?  I don’t get and maybe I never will.

Teachers Thanks

A few weeks ago was teacher’s week for Liberty Tax, Teachers got their taxes done for free.  As a substitute I talk to many teachers and some honestly don’t care about their students, others are driven to help their student achieve the Pittsburgh Promise.  I sat at my computer just thinking of the teachers I had in the past and have to say I had some really super and awesome teachers.

I am thankful I had teachers who pushed me to achieve the best that I could.  Teachers like Mr. Nevin, Mr. Amos,  Mrs Bertocci and Mrs. Krupa who went above and beyond what was required of them to make sure their students were learning and healthy in all aspects.  I think back to Mr. Amos reaching out to me when I was depressed and realize I owe a lot to that man, same with Mr. Nevin who may not know it.  Mrs. Krupa gave me the thrill and enhanced my love of literature and writing.  Mrs. Bertocci gave me a love for the French language to learn about another culture other than my own.

Teachers are what shape the future and seeing how kids talk to their teachers (and principals I heard a kid call a principal a B***h), there is no respect.  Some teachers have even said substitutes get more respect.  I can’t believe that with the things I deal with as a substitute teacher (thats for another day).  What happened to kids respecting their teachers and simply wanting to hang out with them the way we did?  I remember always wanting to go hang out with Mr. Nevin. We respected our teachers and thought twice before doing anything disresctful.  Our teachers care about us and tried to steer us in the right direction and noticed when things bothered us.  Now…its not like that anymore. 

So for this week’s post it is a HUGE thank you to my teachers in the past, elementary through college all my teachers get a thank you:

THANK  YOU!!

Trust

In the novel series I have been reading: Dark Hunters, the lead characters always had something happen that makes it hard for them to trust other people.  Throughout the story one person or another is trying to get the other to trust them through their actions to show that they are worthy of being trusted.  I have always thought it was hard to trust someone completely.  To me that enables you to be more vulnerable with them, to let your guard down around them.

For years it was hard for me to trust people.  Then when I began to trust and let my guard down, people showed me that once again trusting someone takes such hard work and the ability to trust not only them but myself.  I think moving in with Tom took a great deal of trust not only for us, but for my parents.  My parents need to know they can trust Tom to take care of me and allow nothing to harm me.  He’s proving that tenfold. 

Sometimes I wonder how Tom and a few other people in my life like Terry and Melissa managed to get me to let down my guard and trust them the way I do.  Its hard for me to let down my guard and allow people into my life regardless of what some people might think.  Trust is not something that I give away easily, and it is also something that can be taken away from me so easily as well.  When I trust people I have high expectations of them I think.  Maybe thats where I go wrong.  I expect people to not do anything that would cause them to loss my trust…is that wrong?  Is that asking too much?  If a person trusts you, shouldn’t you do everything you can to live up to that trust? and honor it?

Appreciating life

I finished reading Veronkia Decides to Die and it really got me thinking. No not about suicide, though in the past I admit I did.  In the novel Veronika tries to kill herself for various reasons,and ends up in a mental hospital.  While there she is told she will die from heart issues; she learns of a new zest for life.  She learns to appreciate the little things she took for granted such as the love of her parents and the love of another.

In the past when I was a teenager, i was unhappy with a lot of things and like Veronika thought the only way out of it was to die.  I did things to hurt myself and yes I am ashamed of those things, but they make me stronger and the woman I am today.  Throughout the years I have learned to appreciate life, especially after being diagnosed with cancer.  Things have a new meaning and I think back and sometimes wonder why I couldn’t see the good things in life before?  Things that are worth living for.

Much like the characters in the novel, I have decided that I don’t want to go on living as if I am afraid.  What do I really need to be afraid of?  Yes is have panic attacks but those are manageable easily.  But what should I be afraid of?  Nothing.  I have a great life, one full of  plenty of things to be happy about.  Instead of thinking about the not so good things in my life I am going to try to focus more on the things that I should be happy about.  The things I appreciate more than anything.

Taking risks

Throughout our lives we are presented with various opportunities.  Alot of the time we by pass those opportunities because we are afraid.  But what are we afraid of?  Failure? In Paulo Coelho’s book Veronika Decides to Die one of the characters says the we “don’t take the first step, perhaps for the fear of being called insane.”

I think too often we are afraid of what other people will think of us if we do something that is unexpected or considered risky.  I know I have heard people ask me “Are you crazy?” simply because I decided to be a substitute in Pittsburgh or that I am living in Pittsburgh.  We pass up so many opportunities to better our lives because we are afraid of what other people would say or that they would consider us crazy.  we worry too much about what other people think about our actions, as if other people control what we do and how we act which shouldn’t be the case.   I wonder sometimes how many great opportunities did I miss out on because I was worried about other people thought.

But if we don’t take risks how will we break out of our comfort zones?  How will we grow as people if we stick to things we know and refuse to do anything out of the ordinary simply because we are afraid of what other people would think?  I think in order to grow and learn new things about this world and ourselves we need to step out and take that first step without worrying about what other people will think of us.  Where would we be if other people didn’t take a risk?  Think about it.  What are you missing out on because you were too afraid?

Opened Wounds

Last night I found out that my birth father passed away.  It has been over 14 years since I have heard or seen from him or anyone from his family. Other than one random experience the time frame is much longer.  Throughout my life he was a ghost, non-existent.  I realize I have abandonment issues because he was never there, every child needs their father there for them.  Until I was 13 or 14 I never honestly had a father until my mom married the man I call Daddy.

Last night all the old wounds resurfaced and I cried.  Cried away my pain, my past, my hurt.  Letting it all go because I will never have the ability to confront him and tell him all the pain he caused and let him know how he hurt me and the damaged he caused all those years ago.  I do not want to care that he died.  But I do.  Its always sad when someone dies, but I never thought his death would effect me as much as it is.

I kept thinking what if I have half siblings?  Shouldn’t we have the chance to get to know each other or would they be like him?  Why after all these years of hearing nothing does his family think it is so important we are there?  Where were they all when I had cancer or when my brother was dealing with all of his heart problems?  No where.  Everything that deals with them in my life has been nothing but heartache and pain.  I understand he was my father and there is that part of me that still wanted to know him, but at the same time he was never the father I needed.

There is so much pain that it’s hard to get it all out.  I am not going to the funeral, one because I don’t consider him my father any more. and secondly because I don’t think that I could handle it emotionally.  It could potentially destroy me, so Im being smart and not put myself in that situation.  In time it will get easier to let go because I have no other choice.  Why hang on to pain?  why was I for all this time?